False memory torture

I am at the point now where reassurance no longer helps. No compulsion helps. I fully believe the horrible thing happened to the point where I’m living as if it happened. I hate myself because it’s something that is so out of character for me. I feel like there’s no other explanation that I feel this way other than it must have really happened. It makes me sick and disgusted. I want to turn back time and not drink to where I can’t remember. I hate myself so much. There’s no way out it feels like and I feel like I’m this different person now all because of one night. It really sucks.

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 1y ago

I know it’s hard but the way out is ERP therapy and doing everything your therapist says to do even if it’s terrifying.

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi, sorry that you're going through this. Take some deep breaths, hit the SOS button on the app (life preserver ring bottom right). I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it may be a good thing to be where you are. When I got to the point where I couldn't get any relief from compulsions (I didn't realize they were compulsions initially) this is when I started to accept that just possibly my "problem" was not what I imagined but OCD. I got to the point where I was so miserable that I thought "what do I have to lose?" either this horrible thing is true or maybe I have OCD. I started to eliminate compulsions (with the help of a therapist) and eventually clarity did come. Have you reached out to NOCD for therapy? You don't have to suffer like this. I highly recommend NOCD therapy. If therapy isn't an option Jenna Overbaugh offers a masterclass that I've heard is quite helpful. Kimberly Quinlan also offers CBT School which is also very good.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I do see a NOCD therapist and met with her today. She said I need to make a decision. Either treat this as if it were OCD and use my ERP tools or continue to live the way I am believing this to be true and allow that to dictate my life. She said I cannot live in the middle. What is hard is the fact this feels so real. Like I’m convinced something happened (even though everyone told me nothing did over and over). But it doesn’t matter. The feeling is something I cannot shake because it has be convinced.

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

My therapist said the same thing to me, and after a lot of stops and starts, I finally did make the choice. It's a choice I have to make everyday, but let me say this, it does get easier. When I look back over my year of therapy with NOCD, there were times where it was SO hard to make that choice. Believe me, I would cry, I would be miserable, I would think that I was making a horrible mistake to "let it go." An interesting thing started to happen though. When I truly said, "OK, I'm making the choice" and took the risk, with all the horrible feelings that accompanied that choice (without doing any compulsions) clarity came. Initially it took around 4 or 5 days. I couldn't believe it. I actually felt better. LOL, I'm 63. I had untreated OCD for 35 years. I truly thought there was no hope for me. But therapy works. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I still use my tools. It is the best thing I've ever done too. My life is so much better. Hang in there, it's a process that takes practice. There are a lot of people on here rooting for you. Wishing you all the best.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

@VGH Thank you for saying that. I’m 35 at the moment and I feel it has never been this bad. It has just gotten worse over the years. I really want to make the decision to give it my everything but it feels like something is holding me back? Like maybe this isn’t OCD. Which I know is an OCD tactic. I just keep getting pulled into the feeling something bad happened. And of course this time it feels “different.”

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

This video helped me https://youtu.be/utcVdssO9KM

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you so much!

Username: chamomilegirl

Date posted: 4y ago

I have Real event ocd about things I did as a kid at 12/13. It’s killing me because it really happened but I feel like a different person now completely. my actions disgust me and it makes me feel like i don’t deserve to be alive. I constantly have flashbacks about the events and it sends me into a state of panic, I feel as if my younger self has traumatized my older self. i’m so scared that things I did make this true, i really am a bad person, even though i’m an adult now and would never never ever do that again. I’m so scared. All I want is to be a good person but I keep remembering gross things I did and now I feel like the biggest fraud to friends and family and everything good in my life.

"Pure" OCD

Username: cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

Username: ck99

Date posted: 1y ago

Horrible feeling

Utterly convinced that no matter what, I will forever feel this way and what is the point of living if that’s the case? I can never forgive myself and I’m pretty sure anyone who understood what went on in my head wouldn’t either. I can’t recall ever feeling this horrible in my life

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False memory torture

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