- Username
- somebodyelse
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y ago
I can’t stop.
I can’t stop researching, I can’t stop googling, I can’t stop fantasizing, I can’t stop checking, I can’t stop my groinal responses, I can’t stop thinking I want to hold a child’s hand or touch them as I’m walking by them, I can’t stop thinking about how I loved my relationships in the past and how I loved the sex but I could never orgasm unless I was watching porn, so I thought that it was my porn addiction that didn’t make me feel a lot of attraction towards adults when having sex. Then I started working at the daycare and I loved hanging out with the kids and I loved taking care of them whenever I could. I knew that I was always good at babysitting and that I thought that maybe my career path was meant to be a teacher. Then I started to wonder if maybe I liked hanging out with kids to much. If maybe I liked their hugs more than I should. What if I wasn’t having a teacher student relationship with them but if I wanted something more. It got so I bad that I broke up with my boyfriend and I made it very adamant to him that it wasn’t his fault and that he deserved more. Then I wondered if I liked the relationship at all. Then I wondered if I liked hanging out with the kids more than my boyfriend. As soon as I found an out I quit my job. Now all of my thoughts are coming in as groinal responses and urges to test myself to see if all of these are just thoughts or something more and I can’t believe that I wanted to hurt kids like this. Everytime an adult looks at me now or asks me questions I keep thinking they are just looking at me because they want to laugh and point at me when I’m not looking. I never liked people my age or of any age and now I’m convinced I only like children. I hate this I hate this so much but now I’m wondering if I always liked it and I’m just forcing myself to hate it or if ocd is an excuse so I can go and test my attraction and I don’t want to. I keep hitting myself in hopes it will help me want to stop but now I can’t tell anymore. I really want my life to be over I can’t handle this.