- Date posted
- 2y
I compared myself and now I’m freaking out
It’s 3AM almost I gotta get up early but my heart is pounding and my mind is absolutely consumed by comparison to friends on social media. Is it jealousy? Is it envy? Of course I want my friends to succeed but I also feel worthless and a like of piece of shit because I’m not succeeding and I feel like a failure. I have a lot of fears and I hold myself back. I keep falling back into bad habits on my phone social media. Pornography and masterbating ( can’t spell it) I’m disappointed in myself. If I’m alone and stressed I fall back for podcasts, YouTube, and self pleasure which doesn’t bring happiness it’s just to numb myself and distract myself. I don’t have therapy or haven’t had therapy in a while my guards are way too high for therapy it’s been a while. I feel like shit I hate going on instagram and immediately seeing something I don’t have or haven’t done or feeling behind for my age. I still haven’t got over this. I know everyone has their own path, I know I got my own goals, life, etc but I still struggle with this emotionally. I think this stems from me wanting to be seen, accepted, to be worth it in the eyes of others or validated. I want to be recognized and respected I think I like having attention and feeling number one which is all my ego. I don’t think I had proper love or validation from my parents and I was compared to other cousins from my parents and even my own father saying he’s scared to mention me to my uncles because I haven’t done something great. I don’t feel enough but I don’t admit that or realize that. Even being aware and saying this out loud still doesn’t solve the damn issue and help me move on.