So so tired

Hi everyone, I really, really could use some support and encouragement today. I had the same thought stuck in my head for the last 3 months. Literally thought about it while I was giving birth 2 months ago. I ended up confessing it today because I didn’t know how else to explain to my partner what was going on. He struggles to understand why I obsess if there isn’t something bigger going on. It’s so hard that others don’t understand. It’s so hard that the thoughts feel so real even when we don’t have evidence for them. It’s so hard that I resisted confessing for three months and still had the same thought. It’s so hard that I confessed, and as predicted, another thought took its place. Now he goes back to work next week from his paternity leave and I will be home with a 2 month old all day every day. I’m so scared I won’t be able to handle this.

I got triggered today and spent a big chunk of the day trying to sit with the discomfort. I started to feel better but then I gave in to my compulsions. I think it was about an hour or so of doing it. I’m exhausted now. I feel like I’m going mental. Details below.. skip if you can’t be bothered to read.. I just fixate and struggle with every little thing I see on my son.. like are these white marks on his skin related to the condition I read about. Are these brown marks related? His black hair has browny red through it, so my thoughts were what if these patches turn white per symptoms of this conditions? What if this happens? What if that happens? While he slept I spent the hour combing through his hair trying to see where it was lightening to see how light it is in case it turns white. He has two strands of hair that did this. So my mind connected the dots incorrectly and is running wild thinking more of this will happen thus indicating he has this condition. Anxiety/ocd is about accepting uncertainty but I guess today is just a hard day for me, and this makes me feel hopeless and sad. Could use some advice especially from parents who’ve been through something similar

I don’t really know how to keep pushing anymore. Today I went out and I went to the arcade which was fun, but then as soon as I pulled up to my driveway I just felt a wave of sadness because I knew that I had to go back in my house and deal with my thoughts. I feel like that every time. I’ll have a small moment of distraction then I’ll immediately get sad because I know that after this, I’ll just have to go back to sitting in silence and dealing with my thoughts. They just feel so real and it’s so overwhelming. It’s so draining. I dont know what to do anymore. I’m scared that I’m using ocd as a “cover up.” I’m terrified of my thoughts ever being right. And I’m terrified of living like this forever. I was just okay a few months ago. But now I’m stuck in this seemingly incessant loop of suffering. It’s so painful seeing everybody happy because these past few months, I’ve felt anything but happy. It’s like I can’t be happy anymore. All I can feel is stress and anxiety. I just suffer in silence because I can’t talk to anybody about this. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m scared that I’ll feel this way forever.