Mentally cornered

I don't know what to do anymore nothing I do to try and get over this real event ocd helps. My day goes like this - 4am, wake up in sudden panic attacks where it's near impossible to get back to sleep. - The I don't deserve thoughts start instantly eg I don't deserve to relax/sleep, I don't deserve to have thoughts, I don't deserve the sound of the birds outside, I don't deserve anything really. - Following this depression kicks off and because I feel down it makes the "I don't deserve thoughts totally believable. - I start to mentally punish myself - I try to break the cycle by doing this things anyway, but this takes so much energy. Something I have limited of in the first place due to lack of sleep. - The rest of the day continues with my moods going up and down like a roller coaster. - Later in the day I start to panic, as I know the anxiety attack that inevitably awaits the next morning. - I spiral into hopelessness wondering what is actually going to stop my head. I start looking for answers (do I contact the guy that I hurt?). - I try to be functional for my partner in life, but I fail and constantly break down crying. - I try to enjoy a bit of tv before bed before medicating and going to bed stressed knowing this is about to start again tomorrow. I'm not sure where to go from here people, I'm quickly running out of energy and will power to deal with this groundhog day effect, I need to see results!. My psychologist keeps trying to dig through my past and she doesn't understand ocd whatsoever. I'm tempted to go up the hospital, but they're just going to drug me up and send me home despite having no understanding of ocd as well... I'm literally cornered... I've got no options. I just wait around all day waiting for something to give and if I keep going down this path it's going to be my mind and body. Has anyone else been where I am and can offer some advice?

McDucko

Date posted: 1y ago

Sure. This is a common cycle for most of us. First off, I'd recommend getting on an effective SSRI. Not sure what you're currently on, but I work really well with Luvox. There's others that work well with OCD and I recommend you find a good one as they make these exposures easier. If these thoughts seem believable I'd recommend looking into some CBT exercises to change the thoughts. My therapist has me establish value in myself by writing one good thing about me per day on a post it note and sticking it on my mirror. You can also change the thoughts by showing that a thought can have a positive meaning. This is called reframing and it can go like this: "I can suffer from OCD AND still live a happy, fulfilling life", "I have made mistakes AND that's okay, everyone has", "I can feel hopeless AND still believe that things will be okay". You take a negative thought and use an AND statement leading to a positive outcome to show that both sides can be correct. Really focusing on building Self-Compassion can be a huge part of healing OCD. There's plenty of other exercises you can find online and a workbook specifically for Self-Compassion and OCD which I can't recall. But it's hard to heal if you feel you have no reason to get better. Breaking this negative feedback cycle can be key to getting out of this funk. When you go to bed tell yourself "I really hope I don't get any good sleep tonight" and really mean it every single night. When wake up early just start doing things. Get a gym membership if possible and go as soon as you're up. You're not going back to bed anytime soon. Trust me. If you don't have a gym near you go for a jog or play video games. Maybe start learning a class online. A bit of a reality check, I have real event OCD and it has made me feel like my life was over multiple times. I have so many events I cringe at and wish I could take back but I'm reality that's all they are. Cringe-worthy memories. We all make mistakes and yours are definitely not special. I have friends who have made much worse mistakes than me and they don't worry about them at all. That's because they don't have OCD. So when you're getting these thoughts you MUST say to yourself "these are OCD thoughts and I know what they're trying to do". When you get these thoughts just talk with OCD and say "sure, that's possible, but I don't have to figure this out right now" because that's true. You'll probably never need to bother with these thoughts as they're being blown up more than they'd ever matter to a person without this disorder. There is no actual danger. Keep that in mind as you interact with OCD. As your day goes on curse at OCD everytime it tries to remind you of anything. Get really mad at it. Direct all resentment you have to it like it is a toxic acquaintance that follows you around. Tell it that you've heard this all before and that it's wasting your life. Blame it for the issues you are having and get really mad at it. You can do this. It is an uphill battle but it only gets easier. Just make sure you tell yourself to stop each time you find yourself compulsing. Watch out for subliminal compulsions too which you may not realize you're doing. You can do this. Hang in there!

Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you McDucko, your advice has been top notch 👌 I'm currently I between SSRI's swapping from Lexapro to Zoloft. I'm hoping that these can level me out enough for me to recover. If I try to change the thoughts is that arguing with the OCD? It's something that's always confused me about treating OCD. With the sleep, I'll take your advice and give it a go. It's just a horrible feeling going from asleep to panic attack in a matter of seconds. With the event itself I'm struggling big time to accept, because I concussed a guy really bad. My OCD keeps introducing "what if" scenarios like what if he's got a brain cyst or something. I know I'm not supposed to ask for reassurance and I'm usually good at not doing it, so consider this my last time lol ☝️☝️ Again, thank you for the advice. It means alot

McDucko

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nate_093 Yeah, just don't react to the thought aside from passively accepting it. "Whatever you say, OCD". In reality we know OCD is being ridiculous but OCD only accepts you acknowledging what it says and not fighting it.

Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

@McDucko Ok will do It's ironic aye, we flat out recognise the ocd but yet it still runs our life lol (well tries too) Have you got any tips on battling the fatigue? Is there any supplements worth trying or something?

McDucko

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nate_093 I just kept going to the gym to ensure the blood was pumping when I needed it to. If you feel the need to rest I'd suggest taking 15 minute power naps at a time. If you're really tired then maybe an hour or so. Just be wary of going into REM during naps because you'll be super groggy and feel awful for a little bit.

McDucko

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nate_093 Luvox also really helped with my energy. SSRIs are a godsend.

Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

@McDucko Ok cool, thank you

annaran

Date posted: 1y ago

I understand exactly where you are, especially the regrets about past mistakes making you feel like you have to make amends or you'll never feel ok again. Which is probably not true, it would give us something else to worry about, OCD will always find a weak spot to attack. I'm still trying to figure it out myself, but you are not alone. As said McDucko, it helps to remember that we're all fallible humans and nobody has ever expected us to be perfect except ourselves. That doesn't mean we should go around wantonly hurting people and shrug "I'm only human", but that's not what we did at all. I'm working on the self compassion too, it's hard when the OCD is telling us we don't deserve it. But if someone else, maybe somebody who hurt you once in their ignorance, asked your blessing to learn to be a healthier, happier person, I have no doubt that you'd support them too.

Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

That's very true, I didn't think of it as if I was the forgiver. Gives me a bit of perspective, I hope it clicks one day

123g

Date posted: 1y ago

I relate a lot to this. Have you tried talking to a therapist on the NOCD app? That may help since they specialize in OCD and will understand probably more than your therapist now. Other than that, just try to give yourself some compassion (I know it’s a lot easier said than done), but try to remind yourself that the things you know now you may not have known when you made your past mistakes and you can use them to learn from. If you were truly a terrible person who deserved bad things then you wouldn’t be so worried about all that you think you’ve done wrong. I feel your pain and I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you!, I'll really try, it's so hard. Just hoping that one day something just gives way in my head and I'll finally be at peace again. I haven't tried NOCD yet, have you tried them? It's a little bit difficult since if in Australia so the time zones are off a little bit

123g

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nate_093 No problem! It is hard. I hope so too. I have tried therapy on the NOCD app but I only did a few sessions since I couldn’t afford it. It helped some but it was too soon in the ERP process to really tell if it was helping yet or not. I think it could help though. Oh I see.

Ironborn

Date posted: 22w ago

Is this beyond ocd?

I'm reaching out in hopes of finding others who might relate to my experiences or offer insights. I'm dealing with a complex interplay of OCD, depression, and existential anxiety, and I'm struggling to make sense of it all. Here's what I'm experiencing: I have OCD with various manifestations, along with episodes of depression. I find myself in a cyclical pattern where, after a few weeks, I start to remind myself about my depressive tendencies. This reminder seems to trigger a cycle that actually makes me feel more depressed or at least more aware of depressive symptoms. When this happens, I often experience feelings of nihilism and existential dread. I try to think about my family - my two young boys and my wife - to find motivation or a sense of purpose, but this strategy often backfires, making me feel even more anxious and depressed. I constantly check my feelings, wondering if they're depressive or anxious. At the same time, I fear that my feelings of anxiety and panic might spiral out of control. I think about my emotions and thoughts on a meta-level, which means I'm not just experiencing feelings, but I'm also constantly analyzing the fact that I'm experiencing them. There's an existential component to my struggles, a fear of depression and anxiety itself, and a sense that this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps most frustratingly, I often have feelings, thoughts, or sensory experiences that I can't explain or put into words. I feel like I've never heard of these before, which leaves me feeling deeply misunderstood. Does anyone else experience something similar? How do you cope with this complex web of symptoms and experiences? I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who've found ways to break the cycle of meta-cognition and self-fulfilling anxiety. Any insights, shared experiences, or strategies would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for your time and understanding.

Evieb123

Date posted: 15w ago

urgent help needed

Hi everyone, I’m reaching out here because I know this community understands the daily battles of living with OCD. Recently, I hit a really dark place and tried to take my own life. It’s been hard to admit, but I’m still here, and I’m trying to find a way forward. OCD feels relentless sometimes—the intrusive thoughts, the constant doubt, the cycles that never seem to end. It became so overwhelming that I didn’t see a way out. I know I need help, and I’m working on reaching out to professionals, but I also wanted to connect here. To those who’ve been in a similar place: What helped you keep going? How do you manage the darkest moments when OCD takes over? I feel like I’m holding on by a thread, but I’m holding on. Any advice, words of encouragement, or personal experiences would mean so much to me right now. Thank you for reading this, and for being part of a space where we can be honest about our struggles.

tlousluvr

Date posted: 14w ago

advice 🧸

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

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