This is kinda OCD related in the sense that it’s an uncertainty and an open question that gives me anxiety. I doubt it’s a common one but still. I just don’t know what to do. I worry that a lot of my happiness depends on food. I enjoy eating so much and it’s come to the point where I’m worrying if that’s the only thing I enjoy in life. I’m scared. I don’t want to be eating healthier, and then as a result, get really unhappy because there’s no ‘joy to life’ or whatever. I remember a couple days ago after I got high and paranoid and started to feel weird and disconnected... I was sad that food lost it’s taste. I hate that that was the first thing I worried about. I want to find joy in other aspects of life, I just don’t know how to. I find with a lot of things that I enjoy, there’s a pattern and they’re all ‘bad’ things. Getting new clothes. Showing off. Parties. Feeling pretty and confident. Do I even like spending time with the people I love? Do I like music? Reading? I’m scared. I’m not overweight. I’m okay for my height, but still, that’s hardly the point. I just want to find happiness in more meaningful things.

There is nothing wrong with loving parties and beauty! Makeup gurus practically make careers off of it! I, for one, do happen to compose piano music and enjoy reading books, but just as much as that I like fashion and looking good and flossing on everyone. You shouldn’t feel bad about that! People deserve to feel confident and humans deserve to get attentions And if you have to betray your genuine interests just out of fear of seeming one way or another, that isn’t fair to yourself :/ narcissistic people don’t keep themselves in check like you do and lack your awareness.

Ahhh just to elaborate a tiny bit more - My whole life I’ve gotten ‘excited’ for things that I know will involve food. Restaurants, car journeys, hanging out with friends etc. I worry that I don’t care about the actual PEOPLE, and only care about the food.

It sounds like a unique form of identity OCD mixed with ROCD. People who have HOCD, for example, fear they are gay and obsess over their identity as a straight person (if they’re straight.) They take an interest they have- let’s say theater- and start to panic that maybe it means they’re gay. People who have ROCD are afraid that they do not belong with their significant other, but also that perhaps they don’t belong with anyone. They constantly question and interrogate their true feelings about their love for their partner to a point that’s obsessive and irrational. There is also forms of OCD where the person fears being evil, a bad person, etc. Usually we see this take the form of morality ocd, where someone will get a bad intrusive thought maybe about rape or murder and have to cancel it out by praying etc. Do you think you seem to be worried about A) your fixation on something you love and what this means for everything else about your reality; which is typical of HOCD. B) your relationships with others is actually the root cause and you fear you aren’t invested in others and OCD uses something- in your case food- as a way to superficially channel these fears; which is typical of ROCD. Or C) You fear your status as a genuine human/good person and your OCD is trying to cite arbitrary reasons- like your love of food- to make you feel like you’re a terrible person

Wow. Thanks for all that! Since around March, my obsessions have been entirely morality based. It began with the fear that I was or could be a narcissist, and that fear grew. It’s still going on to new things every day: jealousy, self gain, lying etc. All the uncertainties left for me to dive into. But I guess A), B) and C) all just link in? It’s like: ‘hmmm I love food a lot, maybe too much, does this mean I’m using people for food? Does this mean I don’t love my family or friends and only use them for food? Does this mean I’m incapable of love? Does this mean I’m a heartless monster?’ You see the point! I just don’t know what to do. I keep checking things. Like my family; I love them with or without food. I mean, we don’t always have food in the house but I still love them. I hope! And one of my close friends I can mentally confirm I love for reasons beyond food (because we never really eat together). But two of my other friends... I worry I DO. And that’s where I spiral. At the root of all this, I want to not have food as the only thing that makes me happy. And that’s not only because the health risks, it’s more that I just want beautiful normal things to make me happy. I want a whole range of really lovely things that I can value. And I just don’t know how to do that.

Well this definitely all sounds like ocd and I really think your illness is using food as a prop for some bigger fear. Are you absolutely certain you, as Eden, don’t have interests outside of food? Or is your ocd just making you think that you don’t?

I’m just so clouded with doubt. Food has always been a comfort and escape for me. It’s make me feel good when my brain made me feel scared and shitty. So I guess I just depended on it for that good feeling. There are of course other things that make me happy. I just feel like they’re not ‘good’ things... if that makes sense? Your average person is made happy by books and art and music and all these beautiful things. For me it’s feeling really pretty or getting attention or parties etc. So with food as-well, I’ve realised that the things that make me happy just aren’t sustainable and aren’t ‘kind’ I guess? They all make me feel narcissistic which links in with that obsession.

It’s all just so scary :(

Thanks for that. You’re right, maybe it is okay to like certain things :) I guess bottom line is that I just want to find happiness in spending time with my family and friends. I want to love them and enjoy their company and stuff, ya know? I find I get excited knowing there’ll be food at a meet with either family or friends. But would I be excited if there weren’t? I feel horrible. Oh also before I forget, thank you for all that you’ve said so far and talking the time to write and think about everything. I appreciate it a lot!!

I just hate this, I hate all of this so much. I want to enjoy spending time with the people I love WITHOUT the fact that food could be involved. Do I not love them?

I’m sorry that I keep going on and ranting. I’m just so afraid