- Date posted
- 2y
I feel so guilty
Sorry if i use sensitive words, but i wanted to get it off my chest, and i just want to stop feeling like such a horrible person. It should be noted that i am not diagnosed with OCD, but i have seen quite strange signs in me, especially with what i'm going through these days. I have read that trichotillomania may be linked to OCD, and i have dealt with trichotillomania in the past. I've also read that feeling disgusted while cleaning for fear of getting your hands or body dirty or full of germs is also something that can occur with OCD. I am not self-diagnosing, on the contrary, i have been to therapy, but lately my mind has tortured me a lot. This thing that has been torturing me was triggered for something i did years ago, for which i feel immense guilt. I was about 10 years old, it should be noted that i had a bad relationship with my sexuality as a child, since i was exposed to pornography at the age of 7. From that point began a kind of addiction, i began to see something more "taboo" content, and that's when that occasion came. I don't even remember how, or why, but i searched for pornography related to bestiality, i think for morbidity. What tortures me the most in my being was that i masturbated to it. Years have passed since it happened and i have never seen anything like this again, when i'm with animals i've not even thought of anything related to this, nothing. I have never done anything like that to an animal. But, the guilt just doesn't go away. I didn't even remember it, but weeks, or even a month ago, i saw a video about zoophilia, and suddenly this memory came, out of nowhere, like an explosion. My heart raced unbelievably, and i just burst into tears. My mind did not stop thinking about this, and even my self-esteem dropped significantly; Since then, every time i look in the mirror and think that I'm pretty today, that I'm smart, my mind reminds me and reminds me "Don't you remember what you saw and what you did? How can you feel pretty after that?" I have thought that i'm not normal, that i am sick, that i am corrupted, and that a normal girl would never have done that. Everything began to evolve to what is happening to me these days, after that month; My mind began to turn it into an obsession, in which i have intensive thoughts, and even test myself to see if these images of bestiality in my head turn me on. When i see an animal in series or movies, in real life, this begins. So when i test myself like this, I have sensations in my private parts, as I looked up this is related to OCD, and it has a name. Basically, your mind deceives you to the point that you have a false arousal, i suspect this because every time that happens or I see something related, i have thoughts of disgust and self-repudiation. This feeling makes everything worse, i cry, it gives me terrible anxiety. I just want this to end and be a good person, i would never do something like this, but i still have a huge fear of being a zoophilic or a corrupted woman.