VENT ABOUT TOCD AND GENDER

Is anyone here non binary or just know a lot about gender because maybe you can help?? I’m feeling so fucking scared, because I feel like a lot of my past has aligned with being trans and it makes me think I must be when I don’t want to be. The thought of being a trans man makes me so uncomfortable and gives me a feeling in my chest. Yesterday I did a compulsion where I went on Reddit to check for “signs you were transgender before knowing” and it was a mistake because I related to quite a few of the things. I started hyperventilating and stuff but I came to realise that most of the stuff I related to was from just non binary people and I felt a LOT better because I’m not scared of being nonbinary and I am only scared of being a trans man. I already kind of am leaning into the non binary identity because I’d always considered myself GNC and somewhat agender. I read some more on nonbinary stuff and I related a lot more and I felt comforted. But then I started feeling really uncomfortable . Of course I think I may be nonbinary and that’s a possibility I have explored many times in the past (I even used she/he pronouns but then forgot about it) but I got scared that I’d be nonbinary in a way that I don’t wanna be. In the past when I’ve questioned it I always concluded I don’t wanna change my pronouns or anything I’m just gonna be me and look androgynous and I wanna be gender-ambiguous in the same way for example hange from aot is. But then I saw something about being trans in denial and thinking “I can be non binary without changing anything” while being in denial about it because they didn’t think they could be trans. It scared me because I had that exact thought process. I even think I thought like “gender isn’t real so I don’t have to change anything about my body!!” or something along those lines And that just sounds like denial so much. I was a masculine and androgynous person . I also basically went through this thing where I got a haircut I didn’t want and I felt really uncomfortable in it. It was a very short haircut which I can only describe as like a nonbinary transmasc teenager haircut?? It made my face softer and i just hated it. It freaks me out how I hated it because it made me look more feminine even if it was stereotypically more androgynous when before that I had a cool androgynous-feminine haircut that I liked a lot. Second thing that really scared me was the question if I would still be nonbinary if I was born male. I feel like the answer is no because I just don’t see that happening. I generally feel like I don’t wanna think about that and I don’t really like thinking about being born male (denial???????). Idk who I’d be if I was born male but I can imagine he’d dress and present himself like I do now. I feel worried that my reasons for being scared of being a trans man is internalised transphobia. I don’t like thinking about becoming male idk if it’s because I value my female body a lot since I am sexual and I like showing it off to my boyfriend. I never really liked my boobs until I met him so that scares me. The rest of my body is fine tho. I also am scared that my intentions are to not ruin my perfect body I’m scared that I only value that and inside I really do wanna be a man. I am with my boyfriend and I’m comfortable in my sexual relationship with him and I’ve always liked showing off to him and doing stuff like that so what if I’m not transitioning because I really value that???????? Because I am generally a masculine person but I like being feminine and sexy to him. And also what if I am holding back because I don’t wanna come out or I don’t wanna go through an awkward in between stage?????? I’m so fucking scared how would I know my intentions. I used to be sure of who I was………… When I think about all this transgender stuff i get a pain in my chest I don’t know what to feel or what to do.. help…

Transgender OCD

hollypop

Date posted: 2y

I'm nonbinary and this fear used to be a big theme of my OCD but I've identified as agender for 4 years so I've had a while to really think about these things and process it. I have a few points about different themes/worries in your writing. 1. Nonbinary dysphoria hasn't been recognized for very long so it makes sense to jump from questioning your gender to thinking you MUST be a man, even for people without OCD. For a nonbinary person this causes a lot of discomfort and stress. I realized my identity at the height of transmedicalist youtube so I bought into a lot of these ideas and am still unlearning. 2. You don't have to change anything about your body to be non-binary and it is natural for dysphoria to fluctuate over time. I too experience facial dysmorphia in the typical transmasc nonbinary haircut and have fluctuating feelings about my breasts. I like being feminine & sexy for my girlfriend even if I feel uncomfortable with it outside of our relationship. I had a moment similar to you where I had doubts about my identity because I'm ok with her using feminine terms for me but nobody else. My personal theory is that roles within a long-term romantic dynamic are somewhat separate from gender roles within public society and people can have preferences that don't seem to align, ex. a feminine person who is the "man in the relationship" or vice-versa, unexpected sexual preferences, etc. The fact that yours don't "match" doesn't mean you are holding back, they are equally important. Also something to consider when thinking about your nonbinary identity is there is an idea that all of us hate our bodies and want to change them even if we won't admit it but that is not true. Most nonbinary people do not desire medical intervention, while most binary trans people do, and they do not have intrusive thoughts about wanting medical intervention because it is a true want, not a fear. A loved one is planning FFS and an HRT increase right now. I asked her if she was nervous about liking it but she is very excited! 3. The question, "would I be nonbinary if I was AMAB" is useless as it is a hypothetical and you can never know the true answer, only speculate. It's better not to think about it and dismissing it isn't denial, despite what the enbyphobic views you've seen online could lead you to believe. Also, a little bit of gender theory here but men are seen as the default in society and are not gendered as much as women. (Ex. Masculine interests being considered universal, "normal/unisex" and "women's" products sit side by side in every store, etc.) This could contribute to the blur between the desire to be androgynous and the fear of becoming overtly masculine, or at least it did for me. 4. If you feel uncomfortable with the trans label it does not mean you have internalized transphobia and neither does a fear of being a trans man in denial. Nonbinary people are constantly invalidated and being put in gendered boxes is very dysphoria-inducing for us so it makes sense an OCD theme would be formed around a gender role that is pushed on us. Also questionnaires and content that aim to tell you if you are a certain gender or orientation are just another way to try to fit us into roles and boxes. They can only affirm you through confirmation bias but will otherwise confuse and worry you. Something that helped me was to just identify with whatever feels right at the time and not worry about it changing. Usually our hearts are correct. Congrats on your gender journey and let me know if there's any way I can help!

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

@hollypop Oh my goodness, I almost cried reading this (positively). I feel so seen, thank you so much. Because most people who have TOCD are cis and gender conforming people who suddenly worry about being trans, and I cannot relate to a lot of them. I relate to their thoughts and fears but the fact that gender wasn’t prevalent before for them really worried me. I don’t like putting myself in a box and wish I could just let go sometimes so I like the agender label. It fits me and I have always thought it might, because you can just go with your instinct and flow without connecting it to anything while agender and I think that’s amazing. I guess I do realise nonbinary people are put in either one or the other box. I just wanna be me and live my life. My biggest worry is that I’m denying a part of myself by being this way, but I guess that’s the nature of my OCD and the reason I am going to therapy. I can’t thank you enough. You’re so nice, thanks for letting me know my feelings are valid without giving me straight up reassurance. And I’m sorry about the massive paragraphs I just felt the need to vent it all out. ❤️❤️❤️

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

@hollypop Do you have an Instagram or anything else like that?? I just sometimes feel so confused and you made me feel a lot more comfortable and secure.

xoxoacid

Date posted: 20w

How do I get rid of these thoughts or calm down

I've been really overwhelmed with thoughts of detransitioning even though I don't want to like thinking I'm not a boy. It's been making my anxiety go up like crazy but I've never had this problem this much before, and I've always felt so proud of who I was and stuff but I don't know why this is coming up all of a sudden and I'm scared. I don't want to detransition but these thoughts won't go away. I often have feminine interests and have been trying to get into a better mindset and I feel like those things are making me feel more feminine and I don't want to feel that way.

gwen_weaver

Date posted: 16w

am i trans or am i confused?

My boyfriend is ftm, and I’m very supportive of him and his journey with gender. It opened a lot of conversations between us about each others gender/sexuality. I’ve known for a long time that i’m pan, but I’ve struggled a lot with my own gender. My OCD causes me to doubt myself a lot, one day i feel hyper feminine and have no desire to identify as a man, but the next day I am extremely dysphoric about my body/hair/voice and wonder if I’m ftm as well? and then it goes away the next day. Some days I don’t even feel feminine OR masculine. I spend a lot of my time ruminating over if i’m trans, and abt the possibility of me spending the rest of my life either not knowing, or settling for whatever’s easiest for myself and everyone around me. I don’t know if I actually believe I’m a man, or if I’m pretending, or if it’s just in my head. Its like I don’t know what to trust since my opinion is different every day, and it feels like I can’t trust my own intuition. It’s starting to affect my sex drive, my sleep, my self confidence, and my self image. It’s really confusing me and I’m wondering if anyone can relate or has some advice. Thank you:)

anonymous00981

Date posted: 12w

Can someone talk to me please

I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!

Sexual Orientation OCD

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