Human Fuck'in Being

Tw* abuse / coercion I recently broke up with an ex we were on and off five years. I woke up this morning with disturbing memories of things that he did. Previous of my ex I dated a guy in 9th grade who took advantage of me he asked me to perform an ( oral act) I didn’t know how to do. I agreed and he was rough with me eventually I told him to stop multiple times and eventually I was able to break myself free from him. Now my ex of 5 years we made out a lot but we hadn’t made it to a certain part. In public he would always groupe me and when we would go back to his car to make out ( I was 14 he was 17). As teenagers I didn’t have a problem about the making out we were both horny teens but my issue was this one night. I remember the exact date we made out but he was more aggressive then he usually was and he wanted to take things further I told him no I’m not ready for that. Every time I said no he would make out with me more aggressively to change my mind and at some point we both ended up in our underwear. He then kept begging me to basically ( continue with the rest of it ) I told him no multiple times until I eventually gave in and said yes because he wouldn’t budge to me saying no and every time I did he would make out with me more aggressively. Once I said yes the rest was history. I remember that night I layed in bed crying and my skin felt disgusting like I wanted to rip it off. I slept there with no blanket without changing my clothes because I felt shame. Now that I left him finally I still get disturbing memories of that night and the other times after that he would beg me to do acts and if I kept saying no he would grab me aggressively or groupe me aggressively. I have never told anyone in my life this story because idk how they would react to this. I feel like I was sexually coerced and abused and he will do it with another girl. And I blame myself for thinking he would ever change. Prior to me breaking up with him we would make out but even when I told him no he would start kissing me aggressively until I gave in and when I denied it all together he would act like a baby. I hold myself accountable for us making out but sometimes I didn’t want to and he would ignore that. Other times he would groupe me in public and make out with me then beg for head. Sometimes I wish I had someone to guide me and teach me about people like this because I am an older sister of sisters. I have a father that I am not close with and he’s narcissistic like my ex. I just hate the memories because they literally come at any part of the day. I feel like some of the things he did to me I forgot some of them and that’s why they come back.

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

Huge tw I’m so scared I’m a r*pist people have told me I am. I wanted to lose my virginity when I was 19 I felt embarrassed and ashamed I hadn’t. I decided to get drunk and find someone in a club to lose it to. I don’t remember much other than I was happy it was finally happening and remember thinking my plan had worked. I was told by friends that the other person was drunk and possibly on drugs. I must be a r*pist as I knew what I was doing and instigated it, I took advantage and used someone. I feel sick and don’t deserve to move on I can’t even apologies as it was a complete stranger what if they’re living with trauma because of me.