This could be OCD?

I was doing some research and saw about the narcissistic traits that OCD can create. Is this after the person knows they have OCD? Because I always knew I had it. But it was the classic one, with little quirks. Years later I developed false memory and intrusive thoughts whit my present theme. I was reading this because I was thinking about attraction. And I think I'm only attracted to two people in this life. But I remember from times by I had the feeling to please people. Without any interest and without even having the intention to do it, it was very automatic. So I was constantly focusing on how I was apparently being. I never acted like I was interested, but it was always like I was dealing with people's focuses. To tell you the truth, I've noticed that I do this even in other social interactions. I feel like I'm being watched all the time and so I have to act the way I'd like to be seen, like a sweet and delicate person. To be honest, I thought it had to do with my childhood issues because I was very careless and that got me bullied a lot when I was little kid. So I thought I was super focused on my appearance because of that. And I thought that the agaradar came as a consequence precisely because I was always seen as a grotesque girl because I took little care of myself. I even remember that the compliment that made me happiest was when someone said I was delicate. It made sense to me that it really was that. But after researching more, I realized that there are a lot of impulsive and repetitive things in my actions. And never with any intention. But in a very strange way. So much so that when I was younger I swore that I had some kind of personality disorder because it was very common to act one way one day and another way the next day. Maybe I was just an unstable teenager? Thank u for the help!

I am a man from the Netherlands and I am in my early 40s. When I was 36 years old I became diagnosed with ADHD. At that period of my life I already have had treatment for borderline personality disorder. I might have an impulsive nature due to my ADHD, though unlike many people with BPD I don't act impulsively but I am hindered in my life by indecision and perfectionism. It wouldn't surprise me if I turn out to have OCD. Thanks to a blog from NOCD in which transgender OCD was described it became more clear to me my doubts and anxiety of possibly being a transgender + a coward because of remaining in denial for that, is more likely the cause of OCD. I noticed as well I made progress during the years, because of course it didn't take my doubts away, however I was able to believe dealing with uncertainty probably contributes more to my well-being than finding the answer of my doubts. This specific type of OCD keeps coming back, because it is a fact that I as a homosexual man am very insecure about my masculinity. I had experienced an unsafe childhood with emotional neglect from a mother with autism and also emotional abuse from a father with definitely traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. As an only child who also turns out to have ADHD I felt chronically lonely and grew up with the belief I was a complete failure: not only my actions were wrong, but also my thoughts and emotions. At school I was an outcast. I felt unsafe everywhere. I often escaped into daydreaming and fantasies, because for me it was the only way to bare the reality. As a child I was introvert, anxious and feminine. That's why I developed a feminine alter ego of myself in which I could escape in my fantasies. However I didn't develop an identity align with my biological sexe. When I hit puberty I became worried about it. I was convinced I eventually have to come out of the closet as a transvestite or transgender. I really didn't want that; I wanted to have a stable self-identity align with my biological sexe instead of regularly pretending to be a woman, because I am not a woman. However as you all know very well the suffering is about not having control over yourself. When I was 17 I decided to look for a psychologist, because I definitely didn't want to waste precious years of my life. I assumed a psychologist can help me, because I definitely am not the only homosexual man struggling with his masculinity and sexual orientation. I felt so much ashamed of myself I repeatedly held myself back explaining my problems, though I forced myself to speak up my mind; after all he can't help me if he doesn't know what it's all about. I was very disappointed he replied with "What are you complaining about? Count yourself lucky you live in the Netherlands where you can be yourself." He was bringing up my perfectionism: in my perception he did so because he refused to admit he couldn't help me, so by bringing up something else he still was able to profit about my suffering. Looking back to it now I can understand why he responded like that. Still I think it's disrespectful, because I feel treated in such a way like a disobedient dog that has to learn to obey. I have had a lot of therapists and they regularly responded similarly. What I find striking is that my perfectionism and worrying is one of the first things they notice, but it doesn't occur to them that I may have OCD. I have now signed up for another treatment and at the intake I indicated that I suspect OCD in myself and am open to following exposure therapy, but so far they just don't seem to take it seriously. Over the years, my fears have become less strong. By that I mean that it no longer leads to panic attacks and street fear. The more confident I feel, the more comfortable I feel with my masculinity. But when I feel less good about myself, I get doubts again and especially shame and guilt. It makes me hesitate going to the gym (in the past the gym was too much confrontational) and I cannot at myself in the mirror. I am quite sure my so-called borderline personality disorder at least partly refers to complex PTSD. Actually I don't care anymore which name is assigned to my problems. I just want to be helped. I understand bringing up fears like "Am I transgender or not?" doesn't help me. However it doesn't help me either if they refuse to respond to me. Then I feel like it's some kind of test to observe if I am able to figure it out on my own, and if not then I cannot get better.

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help