Does anyone else screw up doing compulsions and now you’re scared something bad will happen? Like sometimes I mismatch my “safe phrases” in my mind, and they turn into an unfortunate pairing of words that only fuels the OCD to torture me more with “haha, see? you just said it, you meant it.” I’ll give an example for clarity (not a real one, to avoid triggering) Intrusive thought: You like that person Me: No, I did like them but now I- Intrusive thought: You DID??? You know what that means- Me: No! I meant to say I NEVER liked them, and I DON’T now!! It’s the biggest “And I oop-“ moment ever. (If anyone knows that meme lol). Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

This is really complicated but it isn’t just intrusive thoughts, however I didn’t directly do the prayer. I’ll do my best to explain. I’ve been having an obsession over prayers. There have been a few bad prayers I’ve almost done and meant that are not good. A week and a half ago, I was feeling desperate and I had the genuine urge to pray for my parents to die in a way which somehow wasn’t my fault (I couldn’t be morally responsible for the prayer was another condition too), because if I attempted suicide, it would devastate them. Thankfully, I stopped myself, but that mindset stuck. If I was worried about it, it could actually put me back in that mindset where I wanted to pray for it. I know this sounds crazy. So it followed me around sometimes. OCD has found loopholes to actually doing the prayer. I have prayed to pray for certain things, meaning I am indirectly praying for it. This was sort of like that, except my mind designated that blinking while thinking of it a certain way would be a prayer. To me, this actually meant it was a prayer because of magical thinking. I ended up blinking while thinking of this, and I did regret it right after, but in that moment, I meant it. I essentially blinked during that moment to magically agree with and do the prayer. And to me, it was doing the prayer. I meant it while doing this too, but didn’t care afterwards. To me, stepping back, it does feel different than directly doing the prayer. This probably doesn’t make much sense

This is probably related to ocd, I don’t know. I’ve had obsessions about doing bad prayers. It has led to me doing some as tests I think or actually doing them. It got so complicated that I decided “I will do any prayer good or bad that comes into my head,” and I basically started constantly doing every bad prayer I could think of, thinking of why I’d want it, etc. I feel crappy, because I believe I meant some of them, which I wasn’t supposed to care about when doing this. It makes me feel like a bad person. This could be erp too, I don’t know, but I basically just compulsively let my mind go to the absolute worst places it has been and can go with no filter

Not necessarily asking for reassurance and I know I’ve mentioned this here before but my OCD has been affecting my cognition seemingly. I’ll forget small things or put things in odd places sometimes, or mix up words - things like that. Obviously this triggers me to be like “Alzheimers/dementia.” Can anyone relate? And if you recovered what did you do for it?