- Date posted
- 2y
OCD is so paradoxical
I want to stop feeling anxious. But I need that anxiety to make sure I know I don’t like the thoughts I have. I’m so tired of it
I want to stop feeling anxious. But I need that anxiety to make sure I know I don’t like the thoughts I have. I’m so tired of it
Sorry to hear you’re struggling. ERP will help you to not be bothered anymore by the thoughts you have. I know that that may sound scary but as an example: I had harm OCD in the past and was terrified. But now, whenever I have an intrusive thought related to harm I’m completely emotionless about them. I think “oh an intrusion” and move on with my day. I know intrusive thoughts are normal and that it’s OCD that makes them multiply. So it’s important that I don’t do compulsions like analyzing if I want the thoughts or why I’m thinking the thoughts in the first place. I hope you can get to that point soon too! ❤️
@hen7 That’s so true…. I’m experiencing the same…. ERP done wonders on my harm OCD
@hen7. Thank you. I've been doing ERP for about 2 weeks for scrupulosity. The thoughts and feelings are rough. But hearing your story encourages me. Have a blessed day.
@R. Byrd I’ve had scupulosity as well. When it was particularly bad I felt God tell me “I know you don’t want these thoughts.” And that gave me the permission to treat these thoughts like the others. Like OCD intrusions and simply let them be there and not react in any way. It might take a while for them to dissipate but they will as long as you don’t engage with them in any way.
@hen7 @hen7. Therein lies the problem. I engage. My thought is that God has abandoned me and the feelings are there with it. So it's hard not to think about it. I go about my day and do the things I need to do but those thoughts are just there all the time. But I still do my ERP. I know it will take time. I just discovered I had Scrupulosity a few years ago. It started when I was 8. I'm 56 now and getting therapy for it.
@hen7 And one thought that came to me the other night just out of the blue was, "The things you are believing are just not what the Bible says. For some reason that brings a little hope inside of me.
@R. Byrd Glad to hear you have therapy. Keep at it and it will get better. God did not abandon me and He will not abandon you. That’s just not who He is. When your OCD has been dealt with I pray you’ll experience His love for you. ❤️ I know after that whole thing I grew a lot in my faith and began to rely on God’s faithfulness. At one point (and it might take a while to get there) I was like “if God wants me then He will save me.” - I realized I never had control over my salvation. It was always going to be based on God’s mercy and love and the work of Jesus. Not based on me. That helped, strangely enough. Because it showed me the flaws in my thinking. One thing that also helped me a lot is to say “your thoughts above my thoughts” - Knowing that my thoughts, especially when they feel OCD-ish, are often incorrect. This will not take the fear away, but it helps to remind myself that I can’t always trust my brain because I have OCD.
@hen7 I listen to Jaimie Eckert at Scrupulosity Solutions and she says what you said, "God is just not like that!" I do appreciate you sharing your experience and answering people's questions and concerns. I hope one day to do the same for others.
@R. Byrd Ran into this and thought of you: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwH8JzThHAW/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
@hen7 Thank you
@hen7 That's beautiful ❤️
If you dont want them you dont like them
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.
Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insane😢
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond