- Date posted
- 1y
Sometimes I like to think I’m being delusional
I used to believe in twin flames and soulmates and some form of ‘destiny’, and it never got me anywhere in life. I want to kill myself but I know I’m not going to, I just feel tired of waiting to get better. I’m really close to God and sometimes I just tell Him that I’m tired, sometimes—I even like the anxiety, or maybe I just like to feel something. But I have therapy in two days and I do not feel confident telling my therapist about my false memories and my real event scenarios, she’s not even an OCD therapist, she’s a therapist from school but I’m taking things one step at a time. I’ve practically been locked up in my room, I haven’t eaten anything, and I’m just watching movies and going on TikTok. I’m literally terrified of the future, I can’t trust that anything good happens even when I try to. I would love to trust God, I would love to be more optimistic about my life, but I just feel like it’s not going to end well. And if it doesn’t end well for another year, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to say I’m going to kill myself, but I would sure feel like doing it in the future. I’m just losing hope and I’ve been so patient for so long, sometimes I try to threaten God to make my life better just so that I can feel like He’s hearing me. Whenever I make a mistake in regards to my mental health, I don’t take it lightly, I get worried, and I get scared that I’m going to go to jail or my parent/guardian is going to jail, and I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to trust a therapist with everything that’s on my mind… I know it sounds miserable to say it, and I know I feel miserable, and I know I’m not supposed to according to my religion (which is pretty good actually), whether it’s being scared of jail, being scared of not choosing the right major, being scared of being indecisive, or being scared of not healing, or being scared of everyone judging me, fear of God setting me up for failure, my mind will always find a way to get me alerted onto something. I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t live with this fear eating me alive, I don’t want to be afraid. Maybe I want to be uncertain about things, maybe I don’t want to feel responsible for everything, and maybe I want to go back in time and live life the way I used to with everyone calling me ‘sensitive’, maybe I hated it, but this is hell. If I was called sensitive now, maybe I’d feel insecure, but I would do something about it as if I’m swatting a bug or something. I went through my first week of school contemplating what I was going to do if I got sent to jail for something that I realized later on wasn’t even bad, it was actually normal. My plan was to just kill myself when I’m in jail, I wouldn’t even trust God anymore. I always see posts about a need to trust God’s plan, but I see it as seeking reassurance about feeling some form of safety or comfort, so I avoid it. And the more I avoid it, the more I feel like God won’t help me. So maybe I’ll just say that God has a plan for me, cause He knows I’m not leaving anytime soon. I almost did when I thought all hell broke loose and that there was no hope for me, and now I’m here still giving it a shot because I’m just too hopeful and too optimistic about God and about life. I hope it’s going to be worth it, or else I’m going to feel like God never wanted me in the first place. I just don’t want to feel like I’m the only person carrying my own burden while God watches me try my best to make my life better because the only way He can help me is if I try, but I see it as just doing the right things instead of trying to do them. I have a habit of doing things with good intentions only to find out MONTHS later that it was all wrong and I feel like I have to start all over again. So I’m hoping it’s not going to turn out like that again. I just want to feel support from Him, feeling support from people is fine, but I’ve trained my mind to depend on his approval of my life. I depend my whole life on God, if I’m around someone I KNOW He doesn’t like, maybe I’ll be nonchalant about it, but eventually, you best believe that I’m going to avoid that person. And if He’s mad at me, you already know I’m dead meat and that there’s probably no going back (but only if He wills.) I’ve prayed this prayer of a better life multiple times that when I think of doing it, it almost becomes a compulsion for me. I was supposed to wash my hair today, and I didn’t because I was depressed in my room and I didn’t feel like getting up to do anything productive. And I have a meeting at 5 and now I’m going to have to go on the call with my camera off while I try and do my hair. I wish for the best and I hope for the best, and I don’t want to be sassy towards God again, but I NEED my life to get better, I need it to be easier.