i feel like i dont deserve love i am a monster and i just don't deserve to be loved but i dont even know if the things that are making me believe that are real but i am just so sad so sad i just wish i could be normal
You may benefit from some self-compassion work. Kristin Neff & Kimberley Quinlan are the queens of self-compassion. Kristin Neff has a lot of free content at self-compassion.org I've been using Quinlan's book "The Self-compassion Workbook for OCD" and it's been helpful for integrating Self-compassion with ERP. She also has a lot of great content on IG and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit. Self-compassion work has helped me tremendously. We all deserve to get well, to be happy, to love & be loved.
hello thank you for your words ir is very difficult for me to act like that but I will try I really don't feel like I deserve
ERP works wonders and can greatly help us in our healing process. Of course do it when you are ready. Therapists usually provide a safe environment for it and help as a guide. You can always do it on your own because well we can be triggered on our own.
thank you I really have to do it, do you do it by your own?
You are not alone in the feeling
Sorry to hear you feel that way because I used to too. You are normal. Normal is an odd and unfortunate term we use. Have you tried therapy or ERP?
hello thank you I am doing therapy but not ERP
@steleven Would you like to talk out how you feel more? If not totally fine.
@JordTheNord Hello I am sorry I went to sleep yes I can talk about it :) what do you want to know?
@steleven How do you feel after your sleep? Sometimes rest always helped me. However the thoughts/feelings you’re having is hard to shake. I experienced them for most of my life starting in my preteen years. Do you have any evidence of why these thoughts would be true? Do you have any evidence on why they wouldn’t? Because OCD for me was the culprit behind the thoughts. However, I also believe it was growing pains. Figuring out the world and being aware of myself and finding a purpose. Also, I wasn’t in a calm environment being raised either. Probably had a big effect on my mentality. How’s home life? What do you enjoy about the world? What do you think determines a person to deserve love and a good life?
@JordTheNord after I sleep I feel ok for a few minutes normally or it gets a little better. I know that the things occured (chatting with boys) but I am not sure of the time line (if I was dating or nah) I really want to believe I didn't do it. All the chats I could find that I was suspicious weren't during that time interval (when I was dating), but I have fear that the ones I can't access were because it has passed like 3 years or more and I just don't remember and I don't have access to the messages anymore. I feel like a cheater even though I don't even know if I actually cheated. I feel like if I tell that to any boy he would run away from me because I would do the same. But I am not sure and I just can't access them anymore it will be always a doubt.
@JordTheNord My big OCD event (when I first remember having it) was watching a movie it was during the second most dark time in my life (because the first was right after that) a summer when a family member would tell me death threats to my close family (the ones living with me). It was awful and I had to spend the summer with him (my parent). Now he doesn't do that and I understand that it was to cause fear but I am still so afraid of that when it happened I was just always on survival mode. I know now he wouldn't do anything just for fear I don't want to tell the police or anything because I know my family is safe and I just want things to be good. In home family is ok my mom and grandma sometimes discuss (it is kinda bad sometimes but nothing compared)
@JordTheNord My memory is kinda blurry because that year (first OCD occurence I recall) was hard. It was 2021 my grandpa tried to commite suicide and failed and came to live in our house, my relationship ended (it was already bad, but I was a bit codependent (my 1st relationship and only so far) and that shit of the death treaths I was like 18 almost 19 it was rough I never had so many shit happening and now my memory is kinda blurry. I am sorry for the vent
@steleven Thank you for your patience! Just have been busy and wanted to give you a full response. Hope you’re day is going well btw. So you have dealt with A LOT. That is a lot for any human to handle and at the very most handle even ok. Sorry to hear of your family’s struggles and sorry to hear about the instilling death threats for fear. I’ve experienced this before and actually just experienced it again this past weekend. So just wanted you to know you’re not alone 😊. So worst case scenario if you actually did cheat which we can’t fully bank on you did that does not mean you are a monster and don’t deserve love. Best case scenario, you didn’t cheat and deserve love. Ppl make mistakes. Ppl forgive. Some ppl do and some ppl don’t but we have to step up and take responsibility for our actions. Even if you did cheat doesn’t mean you’d do it again or just be a terrible partner. I know plenty of ppl who were young and dumb and hurt ppl but then got older and turned it around. The key is consistency. If you go around causing pain and sorrow well it will just be hard for ppl to love you as of course you know and feel the same way towards others. Also, don’t apologize for the vent! I asked. Also happy to listen and learn. Yea I do ERP on my own. I actually been doing it for years and had no idea I was doing it or what it was because I was undiagnosed for so long. The thoughts that are questioning you is OCD and it is hard to work through those but we all can do it and I myself have come a long way too! I felt the way you do even when I was a preteen.
@JordTheNord thank you for your feedback I feel comforted by the fact that I am not alone, but I still feel a lot of guilt. I just want to know because my brain is fucked up just sadness I have never thought of this before why did it came all of a sudden?
@steleven Idk why it came. Could be low self stem from the trauma you endured or ppl trying to constantly bring you down. Not sure why mine came about but I did have a traumatizing childhood as well. I understand the guilt though. I called my brother years ago and apologized to him crying about scaring him when he was a toddler. He was totally ok with it and even said I was just a kid too. Even though I was I still felt bad realizing it years later. So I just accepted hey I did some stuff I’m not happy I did and from this point on I’ll make sure I don’t repeat those mistakes and I’ll start doing good in the world. I, you, and no one should be judged based on past mistakes especially if they clearly feel bad and they are a good person. Our mistakes don’t define us. We have all this time to repent them anyways. Also, I would suggest learning to deal with uncertainty. You are being stressed out wanting to find out the truth. Whether it happened or not your still a good person. Ppl have done a lot worse (not saying it’s ok if that actually happened) but moving forward just be a stand up person and partner. If you did find out you did or didn’t what would you do In either scenario?
i feel miserable, i don't know who to turn to anymore. i had very bad periods in my life where i felt depressed and suicidal for years but nothing compares to this, not only i feel depressed but my ocd is at an all time high. idk what to do i Just want to cry. i feel like I'm a monster and it feels reasonable to see myself this way. im a horrible person who doesn't deserve any of the good things in my life
i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
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