Obsessing over unemployment

So I have been unemployed for about 4 years now, and it has taken it’s toll on my self worth a lot. My partner is the sole breadwinner in the house (and insists that she’s been fine with it the entire time), but I feel like such a user. We just moved into an incredible apartment, and I want to be excited, but I’m struggling hard because I did not earn this and I don’t feel I deserve it. Especially because I have done some truly horrible things (I’m not exaggerating at all- it was fucking BAD) in our relationship, and she has supported me during and after this time. I’m looking for a job now that we’ve moved, and I want to try to pay her back for some of these expenses. She’s ok with this, but I feel like that doesn’t even begin to make up for it all. I don’t know how to deal with the stain of being jobless for so long. Especially because she supported me during a time I was doing nothing but hurting her. God, I feel so worthless.

Real Events OCD

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

You’re making an effort to help carry some of the weight of your partner. 1) you’re very blessed that someone has been so understanding and loving towards you. 2) doesn’t make you a bad person. Just because we fall of the path doesn’t mean we are lost forever. Sometimes we need a little help and time. 3) accept the good things that have come your way and start making a new life for yourself where you are grateful and want to give back. 4) your partner seems to assure you that it’s ok and you don’t need to make up for everything let alone make up (which is amazing). However I get the feeling of wanting do give back and you will but you need to accept the blessing you have been given. Don’t waste it by not even accepting it. Your partner has forgiven you and is still here. Return the favor by doing what you need to do (even a little helps) and just showing her how grateful you are. The power to set the tone for this new you is right now. Don’t guilt yourself. Your partner surely doesn’t want that and would not ever want you to repay her in shame or guilt. You got this

garba

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord This deeply touched me, and is perhaps the most helpful thing anyone has said to me on here. I have been refusing to accept the gift she has given me because I’m afraid. Afraid I don’t deserve it, afraid I’m tricking her or have given her Stockholm Syndrome and this isn’t really what she wants, afraid that she feels like she couldn’t leave me because I’ve been so helpless. It doesn’t matter how many times we talk about it and I cry and ask her to tell me what she genuinely feels (which is so frustrating for her, because she IS telling me what she feels. CONSTANTLY. I just refuse to believe it because it doesn’t align with my view that I am inherently evil and unloveable). Unless I fix my mindset, I will just keep pushing her away. My mental health has already taken a huge toll on her (I’m really awful at resisting compulsions, especially reassurance seeking and confessing). I need to figure out how to get out of the shame spiral. It’s just so hard when every positive thing I have ever thought about myself has trickled away one by one, and now there’s nothing left but shame and self-hatred. I hope getting back into the workforce and helping provide for us will help a little. I have a big mountain to climb though. But you’re right, I’m not going to waste the opportunity she’s given me. Thank you so much for your comment and for listening to me rant :)

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@enola My pleasure. And it is hard to build ourselves back up! It’s easier said than done but you can do it. One thing to remember is a lot of the mental abuse you’re giving yourself is OCD. You keep coming up with doubts that you deserve love even though you made mistakes. So remember if you think your partner is amazing and she is reassuring you just remember she sees amazement in YOU. You can always try ERP and or talk with a therapist to work on building your self worth. Write positive things down and recite them. Plus if you been feeling stagnant I’m sure a job will help and literally just ask her what can you do to help and you can let her know even if it’s something so small (taking out trash) you will do it and that it will help you build yourself back up. There’s actually ppl in relationships that if their partner does EVERYTHING and doesn’t need anything the partner then can feel worthless when it has nothing to do with the partner. It’s kind of allowing each other to show their ways of loving each other.

18smackaroos

Date posted: 24w

I’m hurting my relationship

I would love some advice. I recently graduated from college in December, I will be attending law school in August of this year. There is an eight month gap for me to fill. I cling to things I know I can control like grades/work, focusing on them gives me comfort and takes away from the stress of things I can’t control. Right now I have no classes or job, i’m trying really hard to find a job for the time being, but i’ve been out of luck so far. This has left my mind is a constant search for control and reassurance. I’m beginning to over calculate every word I say and thing I do, it’s become exhausting. I’ve been calling out my Girlfriend for pulling away and not wanting me, when in reality she is just busier than me. I’m constantly looking for reassurance from her and if I don’t get it to the degree my mind manufactured, then I start a fight. I know the simple answer to my issue is getting a job, and i’m trying so hard to, but in the meantime, how can I keep my head on straight?

ThankyouGod12!

Date posted: 21w

Partner focused ROCD - partner’s job

Can someone help me? I am obsessing over partners job prospects. He’s going to go back to his job in car sales and I feel like I’m being a snob by thinking it’s not prestigious enough. I don’t wanna feel this way, I wanna just be happy with whatever he does. I know I will support him in whatever he chooses to do. I don’t have break up urges but only thoughts that oh his job isn’t prestigious enough and maybe he gets one, I would not be happy and I’d need to confess and then he’ll leave me. I’m on medication but I’m a mess currently and can’t afford therapy. Can someone please tell how to combat this? Do I actually need to confess? Is anyone in a similar boat as me? My bf is the best thing that’s happened to me. I don’t wanna be so caring over a job, I’m from South Asia so my social conditioning is that a job at pffice means a good job. My bf is from America so it’s different. I feel like I’m in a crisis right now and can’t stop crying. Please help.

oopiedoop

Date posted: 19w

terrified im a spoiled brat

im so nervous to post this i feel like this is stupid but i feel so gross rn grew up poor, lived in a gross moldy house infested with bugs & a gaping hole in the bathroom floor. my parents did everything they could to make ends meet while also balancing taking care of my sick little brother who almost passed away twice as a baby from a rare disorder & paying for his medical expenses. i spent a pretty big chunk of my life as a kid without my parents because they were with my brother in the hospital, & after he got out i basically had to be a junior parent at very young always so scared of him dying at any moment if i take my eyes off him (i am not blaming him in any way i would do anything for him i love him so much) fast forward to now im 21 & living at home unemployed with ASD, BPD, OCD, autoimmune issues & chronic pain, my parents make way more money, we live in a pretty nice house now & they take care of all my expenses. i am incredibly thankful for everything that we have & my parents deserve everything theyve worked for, but im terrified im just some lazy spoiled little shit that wont get a life. i do everything i can to help out my parents even with my health issues, of course because i genuinely care to help them but also so i can feel "deserving" if that makes sense. always helping around the house, running errands, helping take care of my brother (whos now 17 but still needing care for his disorder on top of his own ASD & mental health issues), constantly asking if i can do anything to help out, but i just cant get this veruca salt spoiled little princess type caricature of myself that just sits around being a brat out of my head. ive been finally working at getting my first job with a side gig on ebay but im beating myself up because i think to myself "do i even need this job? other people my age get jobs to survive. i dont technically HAVE to get one, my parents pay for all my necessities, i only want to work so i can have my own life & not rely on my parents forever." sure im not some trust fund baby born into wealth, we still have to be careful with money but i have so much more than so many people & im so scared that i dont deserve it. its been killing me to the point of me compulsively searching shit all the time about rich people, how much money is too much money, how to know if you're spoiled, etc etc. im terrified people in the job world will look at me like the little spoiled bitch that had mummy & daddys money & just scoff at me- but i feel too ashamed to even talk about this because im terrified of looking like some rich kid preaching "oooh but rich people have problems toooo we're just like you guys!!!" i just dont know what to do. my ocd was horrible when i was 17 but overtime i was able to what i thought was "defeat" it, i went a while with no intrusive thoughts, but now this theme has taken over my brain. i feel disgusting.

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Obsessing over unemployment

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