- Date posted
- 2y
childhood sexual experimentation OCD
I did something pretty bad when i was a child—bad for an adult, at least, but "normal" for a child who didn't understand consent, I guess. With a friend, I experimented, but I had to convince her to do it: she said no, i said she could do it first a couple times then I'd do it, she still looked unsure, so i said then we could play her game, and finally she agreed, looking reluctant. Thankfully it was pretty mild: just lightly placing my hand on her backside, nothing intrusive. This happened once more, I don't remember if i had to convince her or not, and a final third time, again I don't remember if i had to convince her. This third time she was laying down and I (this is going to sound disgusting, just so you guys know—please know I don't mean it to be) had to kind of grip her backside a little harder, placing it slightly between both sides. She did the same to me. The thing is that afterwards I remember an awkward moment where the two of us were both incredibly quiet, not speaking to each other (not bc we were angry, but I don't remember why we were quiet either: it could have been anger, I guess, but also discomfort, or because I was doing something else, like reading, while she wanted to play with blocks) and she went down, said something to her mother (unrelated to the incident) and later came up, and we continued to play. I keep worrying that she looked uncomfortable, and that was why she was quiet. Also, I was older by 3 years, though we were both under 8-9 years old, and I initiated all three times. Speaking to my close friends, I understand that kids don't always get consent, that these incidents were somewhat mild (as in I didn't touch her anywhere intrusive, thank god), and that though it wouldn't be okay as an adult, as a kid who didn't get consent it doesn't say anything bad about me. She herself has also reiterated many times that she's okay, she hadn't even remembered the incident until I brought it up, and that she didn't feel uncomfortable, so I guess that's that. I just feel bad. I shouldn't have done that. I don't know how to explain the guilt. 1.) I don't blame myself, because I was way too young to understand what was happening. 2.) I know she isn't hurt, though of course if she was I'd be more than willing to help however necessary. 3.) I am worried people would hate me, but at the same time I figure if people did hate me, I'd learn to be okay with it, since I was so, so young. I guess it's the fact that I did something so against my morals. I'm a giant anti-sexual assault advocate, and coercion (that gray area between violent r*pe and enthusiastic consent) is one of those areas I really like talking about. You know, no is obviously no, and you shouldnt' need to convince anyone to have sex with you; while it's not always traumatic, and I don't think it's AS bad as violent r*pe, it's just a place we need to educate more people about so that less people get hurt. But AGAIN, I was literally, like, 7. I have a seven-year-old sister; she doesn't even know how to tie her shoes, let alone get the intricacies of consent. So I don't really get what I'm feeling bad about. Sorry for that giant chunk of a post. Does anybody else feel the same way about real event OCD? Like, I feel terrible, but also why? It's just this vague, lingering guilt. I hate myself, but when I think about it logically I'm just like... please calm yourself lmao. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to rant. If anyone has any suggestions or sympathy please feel free to drop them, otherwise I don't really even need comments in response to this, since it was nice to just get this off my chest.