The longest story

@Meggiemeggles0783 After myself you is a typo

@Meggiemeggles0783 Thank you 😢 It is very hard to share this because it is so disgusting. I am really upset because I feel like a failure. I don’t want to call off tomorrow but I know if I don’t and don’t clean everything things will spiral out of control. Because of the cost of my medical issues I still live at home and that is the root of 90% of my issues. Because if I lived on my own I would be very upset but I would take care of everything TONIGHT. But since I live in a house with my family and everyone is on different schedules I can’t clean the bathroom at midnight.

@Cat_attack My mom had told me before what happens is between you and the bathroom body etc. It’s so hard though being triggered that way. I get it! It sounds like you cleaned well. Is it your ocd that’s wanting you to keep cleaning because you knew contaminates were present even though it’s clean?!

@Cat_attack You are not a failure! I understand because many OCD’s I feel I have failed too. We get many opportunities to keep dealing with this. For me too often I say is this really my reality. Anytime I am uncomfortable I wish I was in Heaven with Gor and Jesus. I know it’s awful!

@Meggiemeggles0783 God

@Meggiemeggles0783 For me its not clean ENOUGH. Soap is not disinfectant enough for me. I need to use cleaner and clean everything in the shower “properly”

@Meggiemeggles0783 For me the unfortunate thing is my OCD causes a lot of anxiety to the point where I get physically sick. I start to get lightheaded and my vision will go black. My sugar will spike terribly too.

@Cat_attack Sounds like apart of the contamination ocd telling you this. This is very common! I’m so sorry! Ocd is a bully!

@Meggiemeggles0783 And regardless of my OCD episode, I would never think cleaning the shower with soap was enough after a 💩 episode 😭

@Cat_attack Oh no! That’s terrible! I have bad anxiety so the two mixed with triggers is a lot! I have thrown up from an ocd event too. If I am very triggered I will fall too. I do not faint but fall and I cannot control it but I learned to put my hands out to break my fall so I never get hurt. It triggers pains in my fibromyalgia sometimes. I have dealt with this since I worked at Sephora in 2008. I have a boss that works with me. I know ideally working from home one day and doing something different where I am not dealing with so many triggers would be good.

@Meggiemeggles0783 Yes it makes it impossible to practice exposure therapy. Which for me truthfully I don’t think works. Like I said I will only get heightened anxiety and when it reaches the point where therapists explain “you realize it can’t hurt you” no, thats usually the time I faint. I used to have panic attacks and fainting from my OCD where my parents would have to call 911

@Cat_attack Oh my gosh really! I am so sorry! I get panic attacks! Yes I have collapsed many times from my triggers, anxiety, lack of sleep, etc.. I do not faint but my body gets in a fight or flight or I get I overwhelmed, & often filled with anxiety. It becomes way too much! I don’t like when I have falls because it usually triggers pain or my fibromyalgia flares. You have to break down any kind of ERP work slowly. The good news is any professional won’t push or force you to do something you are not comfortable with. I expressed ones I will not do as I have done plenty with seeing blood every day at work & that’s high. I see improvement but I feel it’s mostly a spiraling rollercoaster at my job. Outside my job my group counselors want me to focus on for exposures. I was trying to do exposure work on my own before my group and it got way out of hand. Unneeded guidance. So important to do what you enjoy! I’m here for you! Hugs

@Meggiemeggles0783 I mean my counselors want me to do exposure hwk outside of work because I have done many at work & they know it’s very high there! For some huge highest triggers I will not suffer as much as I do. Hopefully someone works slowly with you. I know it’s a lot & exhausting. Hope you have a job that does not cause your ocd to get too high!

@Meggiemeggles0783 Thank you for that! That helps 💜 Its just unfortunate because I just got back from medical leave and was off for 2 months. This is my second week back so I really didn’t want to call off but this is looking like I don’t have a choice. I know how things are with me and if I ignore it it will only fester in my mind and become monotonous

@Cat_attack Sometimes work or doing something else can be a good distraction. Can you share with a family member how distressing this is for you?

@Meggiemeggles0783 My family does not and will never understand

@Meggiemeggles0783 Well whats odd for me is yes work does help distract me! But when I come back home the anxiety will be there with a VENGEANCE. It doesn’t disappear

@Cat_attack I understand! I feel it be worse if we were dealing with something like this that happened at work. At work we can try to focus on work, interacting with kind people & showing our true self that ocd does not define us as. I have low self esteem & low self worth too so it is horrible at times. Anxiety doesn’t disappear. I wish it would!

@Meggiemeggles0783 This! If something bad happens to me at work I used to have to go right home. I would pretend I got sick so i could leave. Through working through my feelings I was able to reach a point where when bad things happen at work I can work through it. It doesn’t bother me anymore. But with things in my home its so different 😔

@Cat_attack I understand! Also when we spend time thinking so much about our thoughts, feeling bad for every little thing etc it is going to be hard. I do this even without my ocd and lucky for me I have ocd too & other things. I feel I have suffered enough and deserve more good times then bad. I had someone tell me they couldn’t support my ocd loop hole, loop train 🚂poop train when I wasn’t even mentioning that specific. I am replaying loop train poop train in my head. I’m cruel enough to myself & if someone says something I can respect it but there’s ways to say it without sending a 2 page novel. I hate though that if I keep repeating this that she said to me it’s added another ocd to my 100 +. Must be nice for people to not understand and deal with something like we do. Being bullied 1/2 the time. Many people can talk too but I don’t often see them doing anything about their situation. Used to others putting mine down. Right now going to try to focus on myself best I can and taking space from others that add triggers even if not intentional. It’s becoming too much and I came here today and it’s helped me when I think of what she said.

@Cat_attack You sound like you are working hard and you will get through this incident. Remember presently it is not happening right now :). I am working to try to be present. I’ve isolated many times. Sometimes it can be good for me to take time for me & I rather not be around anyone anyway over being around someone to make me feel bad. I’m good off that! Be kind and loving to yourself. Affirmations help me!

@Cat_attack No one will ever understand unless they are in our body and minds and some may understand and learn a little about our ocd if we educate them. If not that’s not our problem. We are only responsible for ourselves. ❤️🙏🏻💪

@Meggiemeggles0783 I completely agree with all of that

@Meggiemeggles0783 I’m having so much anxiety, I have been up since 6am. And truthfully have not been cleaning. I did one load of laundry and took a shower but now I need to deep clean the bathroom and take another shower before I can even put the laundry in the dryer and start another load. I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety

@Cat_attack Oh I am so sorry! I’m here for you! Breathe! Take it easy! Is there a show, movie, or anything as a walk you can take or do something to calm the intensity down? Last year there were days I didn’t sleep at all and my ocd ptsd was replaying. A story I created way more in my head and doing it I didn’t do this etc that wouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t have encountered your phobias if you let go or walked away & didn’t give it so much attention. I have daily nausea and I have it happen at times from nerves. Resting is very important to quiet your mind. I hope you can take a nap or something. Hugs

@Cat_attack I also have some of the just right ocd. If I thought about things more I probably would be adding compulsions. It’s hard for us to remember that what’s a huge ordeal for us others it may not be or they don’t want to hear about it. It’s awful to feel so disgusted by what our body does but I understand cuz there are times I am disgusted by everything from me. We need to learn to accept this is how we function and stay alive & we do our best :).

@Meggiemeggles0783 😭

@Cat_attack It’s so hard! My triggers, nerves & compulsions are going. Don’t feel the best either. Just going to try to relax. Breathe etc. I had a great work out & just need to do something I enjoy!

@Cat_attack Hugs

@Cat_attack We have beautiful souls. Our minds get stuck on things that make us feel bad and uncomfortable. Again no one will ever understand our world. I try to keep most things for professionals and I have isolated before. Also feeling I don’t deserve good things. Inner work that seems never ending. Affirmations! ❤️🙏🏻Hope your day got better!