It's the worst feeling knowing what you need to do to help yourself but not feeling able too, not being able to find the help you so desperately need. I can't do it alone I've tried and failed. I need professional help and can't wait for the stupid NHS for another year. The state of the mental health service in the UK is something I feel so strongly about, it needs sorting but no chance with bloody Boris Johnson and this tory government. the guy is an idiot.

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

Sorry for the long post but I really need to vent. It’s really not a good period. It hasn’t been for a year now. There have been highs and lows, but the truth is I never addressed my problems, never tried to solve them but just pretended they weren’t there. I reached my lowest point this time last year, my OCD had never been worse, I was extremely burnt-out and couldn’t study anymore. And since then, I haven’t been able to study. Everytime I try I get a panic attack. OCD gets better then it gets worse. I probably have ADHD as well, and my parents probably still believe I’m making it all up. They tell me to “try harder” but I really, really can’t, and I’ve tried. And let’s add to all this all the people who have broken my heart, both exes and friends; and they just go on with their lives like they didn’t break me. I also had to quit my job (where they treated me like crap) and had to listen to them tell me that I’m an egoistic person and other awful things I will not say. Yeah, this last year has been the worst. I have come to the point where I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t pretend everything is fine. I’ve come to the point where I can’t leave the house without having panic attacks and fearing I’m going to die. This Monday I have my first appointment with a therapist. I’m a pessimist person usually but this time I feel hopeful. Maybe because I think it can’t get worse than this.

I'm drowsy, which is a frequent problem in the motel room I live in, but I want to get something posted. I don't have the energy to post everything I need to say. I need someone who can help me navigate forms and processes to do several things, not all of which I'm going to post right now. I'm in an abusive relationship (not physically), and many agree, including The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They said I'm also being financially abused. I have no friends or family IRL, and I'm alone. For years, my only socializing has been giving servers my orders, paying cashiers, discussing services, and talking to my boyfriend (which usually doesn't go well, plus we mostly avoid conversation with each other, because it's best). I can't leave because of OCD, panic disorder, physical disabilities, and finances. I'm severely obese, which has caused a lot of difficulties. I get out of breath just reaching for some things and I deal with a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't walk stores. I often eat at one restaurant (I try to eat as healthy as I can there), but recently, I have to ask for a table closer to the bathroom. They often don't understand how difficult it is for me to walk from further away. I get exhausted and sweaty when using the bathroom and people stare at me. Once in awhile, people ask if I'm OK. I sometimes worry I will have to sit down before I get back to my table if it's not close enough. Using the bathroom takes me an embarrassingly long time, partially for physical reasons, partially because of OCD. I suffer from urge incontinence. I literally have to live my life around it. I've begged my boyfriend to order the much better-fitting, more comfortable, and more absorbent underwear I tried samples of, but he doesn't. The cheap underwear doesn't come in my size and is worse in every way. The OCD and panic disorder are insinuated in pretty much every part of my life, including the disabilities. No one gets it or understands. No one who can help me takes Medicare here. I get overwhelmed easily and my head gets foggy, and I don't have the energy or can't think right (racing thoughts) trying to call resources, and they sometimes rush me, cut me off, or seem impatient. Yes, I am on medication and have been for most of my life. I've been on many medications, and I have a very different opinion of them and the mental health system than when I was young. I'm 57 and I've been dealing with this since I was 10. I have severe dental problems and it affects how I eat, look, speak, and feel. It's humiliating. At the same time, what I eat in general affects my body in unpleasant ways sometimes. Soft foods aren't always the best, but I can't eat really hard foods. My boyfriend and I have lived in a motel room for about six years, plus bounced from hotels for awhile before that, after my boyfriend lost his house. It's hell. I'm not getting into what some label "politics." I have things I need help with regarding that. I could say SO much more, and there's so much I haven't gone into (like the abuse). I need someone who can help me, not just make me feel better because we talked. I need someone who can help me make changes.