It's the worst feeling knowing what you need to do to help yourself but not feeling able too, not being able to find the help you so desperately need. I can't do it alone I've tried and failed. I need professional help and can't wait for the stupid NHS for another year. The state of the mental health service in the UK is something I feel so strongly about, it needs sorting but no chance with bloody Boris Johnson and this tory government. the guy is an idiot.

I'm drowsy, which is a frequent problem in the motel room I live in, but I want to get something posted. I don't have the energy to post everything I need to say. I need someone who can help me navigate forms and processes to do several things, not all of which I'm going to post right now. I'm in an abusive relationship (not physically), and many agree, including The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They said I'm also being financially abused. I have no friends or family IRL, and I'm alone. For years, my only socializing has been giving servers my orders, paying cashiers, discussing services, and talking to my boyfriend (which usually doesn't go well, plus we mostly avoid conversation with each other, because it's best). I can't leave because of OCD, panic disorder, physical disabilities, and finances. I'm severely obese, which has caused a lot of difficulties. I get out of breath just reaching for some things and I deal with a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't walk stores. I often eat at one restaurant (I try to eat as healthy as I can there), but recently, I have to ask for a table closer to the bathroom. They often don't understand how difficult it is for me to walk from further away. I get exhausted and sweaty when using the bathroom and people stare at me. Once in awhile, people ask if I'm OK. I sometimes worry I will have to sit down before I get back to my table if it's not close enough. Using the bathroom takes me an embarrassingly long time, partially for physical reasons, partially because of OCD. I suffer from urge incontinence. I literally have to live my life around it. I've begged my boyfriend to order the much better-fitting, more comfortable, and more absorbent underwear I tried samples of, but he doesn't. The cheap underwear doesn't come in my size and is worse in every way. The OCD and panic disorder are insinuated in pretty much every part of my life, including the disabilities. No one gets it or understands. No one who can help me takes Medicare here. I get overwhelmed easily and my head gets foggy, and I don't have the energy or can't think right (racing thoughts) trying to call resources, and they sometimes rush me, cut me off, or seem impatient. Yes, I am on medication and have been for most of my life. I've been on many medications, and I have a very different opinion of them and the mental health system than when I was young. I'm 57 and I've been dealing with this since I was 10. I have severe dental problems and it affects how I eat, look, speak, and feel. It's humiliating. At the same time, what I eat in general affects my body in unpleasant ways sometimes. Soft foods aren't always the best, but I can't eat really hard foods. My boyfriend and I have lived in a motel room for about six years, plus bounced from hotels for awhile before that, after my boyfriend lost his house. It's hell. I'm not getting into what some label "politics." I have things I need help with regarding that. I could say SO much more, and there's so much I haven't gone into (like the abuse). I need someone who can help me, not just make me feel better because we talked. I need someone who can help me make changes.

I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.

I don’t know how to cope, everything feels like too much, my medication isn’t working and I’m so tired with looking for the right one as it takes months between each appointment, and therapy is there too it’s just that I need all of what I’m struggling with to go away NOW, you know? on top of responsibilities like my TAFE course and all this other stuff I’ve got to get a handle on, it feels like I’m not cut out for life, I’ve been taking a sedative everyday just to cope with existing and I don’t know how to even keep going.