Offensive intrusive toughts

Yeah! Even if it happens when i'm happy or smiling, that smile disappears and i start to get stressed, because in addition to distress me, my mind tells me that if i don't do it then i'm the monster that i fear to be. Then it becomes a cycle, where my mind forces me to stress more, because not doing so would mean that the thoughts are real.

Honestly i am not diagnosed because this started happening to me recently due to a real event, thoughts of that event were triggered, and others too. I go to therapy, it's not specialized in OCD, but i think it is worth mentioning. Also, i feel that my therapist is very experienced.

@mononono_ Definitely worth mentioning! Does your theorist think you have OCD or at least expecting OCD at the moment?

@mononono_ Experiencing*

@JordTheNord As we have a not very favorable economic situation, we paused the therapies a lot, so i need to tell him about everything that happened to me recently. But since long before i had a lot of anguish for fear of not being a good person, even without knowing it, i've told him that normally when i have a fear i am very obsessive when searching for things on the Internet. Likewise, it has been a long time since i learned what problems he thinks i have or had, including social phobia, impulse control disorder (trichotillomania, and anxiety/anger attacks), dysthymia. My therapist doesn't like to talk with me about my diagnoses, but i am going to tell him everything that happened recently and ask his opinion. He normally describes me as someone who is very hard on herself and on others, therefore. He says that as a mechanism for the events of my childhood, victimhood and cognitive biases became ingrained. Since my problems started in a bigger way, those closest to me say that i've become more neurotic, complaining, and fearful. I overreact to the smallest stimulus of stress or anxiety, and that's where anger or panic attacks come from. I don't know if it's because of everything my parents have told me throughout my life, or the teachers, the people around me, but I'm afraid of being mediocre and my pride is hurt when i am not the best at something, not as a reproach to others, but to myself, and that is why k am very hard on me. I am excessively perfectionist in many things, but that's where my biases come from; By exploiting myself so much i hope that the world will give it back to me and be fair to me, but obviously it's not like that, so i'm trapped in a stress cycle.

@mononono_ Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻 saddens me to hear you deal with all that and all the pain you must be feeling. Definitely does sound like you could have OCD and of course amongst other things as you mentioned. You are an expert on yourself. Sucks when finances get in the way of healing. You’re still very strong for dealing with all you have! Hope you get to talk to him soon! If you’d like to answer; can you share what you like about yourself?

@JordTheNord Thank you for your kind words! 🙏 In fact, i like that i am quite curious, and in some ways i am more accessible and open to understanding myself. I have things that i'm passionate about, like art, but unfortunately many of the things i would normally enjoy are overshadowed by this need to be the best, or else i wouldn't deserve good things. When i'm not being afraid, i'm charismatic and joyful.

@mononono_ That’s awesome! You sound pretty great to me and I definitely understand how perfectionism overshadows our great qualities even though I know it’s not directed at others it’s directed at yourself! I have felt the same way before and I’ve learned that on top of just wanting to grow and be better I know I wanted to be the best to feel safe.

@JordTheNord Tysm! You sound like a pretty great person, a person who understands themself a lot. I really appreciate your words and that you listened to me. I relate to what you said, very much; Trying to be the best to be safe, in my case it is almost as if the myth of meritocracy had become deeply rooted in my mind. What distresses me most of all is that even when i see that other people don't treat me like i do, i get very angry inside. I don't express it and i don't complain to them, i immediately realize that it's very irrational, but the frustration stays there. I feel like i have a lot of things in my subconscious that hurt me a lot. It's even like taking the role of a martyr, sacrificing yourself hoping that the world will be fair because of that, when in reality you are just becoming bitter and making life miserable because life isn't fair anyway. But you know what? Instead we can make life enjoyable, so that we are happy even though it's unfair. Do what you want, be authentic in your limits and abilities, no matter what life throws at us.

@mononono_ Wonderfully said and thank you so much. Greatly appreciated 🙏🏻. We are here to assist our kin in the greater community of the Human race. Of course at times we get annoyed and see atrocities of our brothers and sisters and of course we get in the way of ourselves and contribute to pain of the world by not being ourselves. VERY VERY hard to do though especially with multiple factors and circumstances stances affecting everyone everywhere all at once (great movie lol). We must keep moving forward though not only for ourselves but for others because we are connected and we are a part of the world community down to a little house with family. True happiness is when we serve others which in return serves ourselves. And the last bit of what you said is exactly what we all must do and be kind to those who have fallen off the path because just because one has strayed away doesn’t mean they’re lost forever.