I'm just venting, but everything is feeling so overwhelming lately. Every day, I still find myself checking on my ex. I know it sounds obsessive, but itās not coming from a weird or stalkerish place. It just feels like I never got closure, and Iām stuck in this loop. I read that āclosure is a choice, not a conversation,ā and I try to believe thatābut part of me still needs to know what heās doing, like it gives me some weird sense of closure, even if itās just temporary. And I hate that Iām like this.
On top of that, Iāve been wanting to see my Pap, who is in the hospital in pretty severe condition but I never have time because Iām always working. My job is stressful. I try so hard, but my grooms donāt turn out the way I want, and I just feel like Iām failing.
Then there's my financial situationāmy car payment is $713 a month, plus insurance and other bills. I canāt save at all. Thankfully my mom pays the rent, but she constantly holds it over me and threatens to kick me out. Itās never felt stable at home, and now itās worse.
Lately, my childhood trauma is resurfacing, and itās affecting everythingāmy friendships, any chance of a relationship, even my bond with my pets. I feel like Iām falling apart, and when I finally get in bed at night, I just feel hopeless.
I look around and see people I went to school with thriving, and I feel so far behind. I used to feel ahead because I was already handling adult responsibilities, but now it feels like Iām stuck while everyone else is moving forward.
Iām losing control of my emotionsārandomly lashing out, struggling with angerāand I canāt afford therapy or even regular doctor visits. Sometimes I canāt even afford groceries, and itās frustrating because I work hard and still feel like Iām drowning. I just want a simple, peaceful life: a modest home, a normal car, a stable routine. I want a support system. I want to feel connected like my friends Jessica and Ashley, but I donāt. Itās just me, but itās still lonely. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I canāt get anything right. Like Iām always doing something wrong in someoneās eyes, and I have no one to turn to for help.