Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Is it normal to have an edgy/morbid phase at 18-19

Cw// mentions of animal abuse (note it's of drawings and fake animals stuff but still) When I turned 18 I started digging into communities like 4chan and sites like it to look at the art that was there which ranged from bizarre disturbing furry r18 content to little cute ponies being hurt, idk why but I was drawn to it, like it freaked me but was drawn to it I never hurt or abused anything nor wanted too, like I would stay up might upset if I saw stuff of irl animals being hurt. But I git so desensitised to the internet, it wasn't until mid 2021 that snapped out of it started staying away from those sites. Ironically enough I later got into happy tree friends Either way I regret being looking at and interacting with that side and gen wish I can take it back

zyanya

Date posted: 2y

Hey, I just want to say although i know it feels so completely bizarre to be curious about those things it’s probably a universal experience, I’ve stumbled across a lot of scary things that to this day I can’t unsee because of my curiosity.

Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

man hopefully, I really shouldn't act like I am or anyone else is a freak for this stuff, really it's universal but always different for everyone, but yeah

zyanya

Date posted: 2y

@Vay Vay For sure, I think I get you though. You’re ocd is probably trying to make up a dumb correlation between the two. I’m sorry 💔

Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@zyanya - yeah me too rip, damn you mental illness

Markap

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I will reassure you that this is so common and being desensitized doesn’t mean anything (go talk to doctors and EMTs - many are totally desensitized and perfectly normal people), but please know that to improve you must be ok with the remote possibility that you’re some deranged psycho. (I’m VERY familiar with this theme as it dominated my early twenties.)

Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Oh, I gen didn't want to be a psycho but is it a bad thing?

Markap

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Vay Vay Nobody wants to be a psycho but we people with OCD have to be ok with having those thoughts. That’s what I had to do. Now when I think “tomorrow I might kill a bunch of people” it doesn’t phase me. But getting to that point takes time and practice. The only alternative is to continue compulsing and feeding OCD.

Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Markap - Ah okay I get what you mean now, as much as I don't want to be one constantly thinking about my past is doing the same thing that and I was raised online and morbid curiosity kept getting the better of me, but I gen never hurt real animals and dont plan too idk i guess this is just mental illness

Markap

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Vay Vay I totally understand. I grew up with rotten.com and am now disgusted at what I saw. But it doesn’t derail my day or week anymore when I think about it.

Markap

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Markap (Anybody reading this: do NOT go to that site, if it even still exists)

Vay Vay

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Markap - Oh god, really this is just a example of the internet and access to the scarier sides I just hope we can move on past and making sure it doesn't define

Markap

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Vay Vay We can! I have and I know you can too

Help Seeker

Date posted: 26d

I’m kind of going through something like this too

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

genicrop09

Date posted: 19w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 12w

Distressed 18+

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

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Is it normal to have an edgy/morbid phase at 18-19

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