I feel like I' back at 0, and im dissapointed...

I know I have to be kind to myself, i just write this down so i can vent cause its frustrating. For half a year of working on ocd recovery and now im back feeling the same, reacting with fear to every thought, every emotion i feel, and i want them to go away, i cant do anything while they are there, and the worse is that i know what i have to do, i need to ignore them, but somehow i cant do it...even that i did it in this half year alot of times... I get desperate and im afraid of thoughts, emotions and becoming depressed, I get frustrated over this, and while i want to focus on my life, I cant enjoy it cause all of this takes away the enjoyment so then i start to rumminate about do i really love these things i do... I had the same reactions before when i didnt know anything about ocd and its a crap feeling that i learned so much things yet i got back here...And i feel stucked... The emotions scaring me and im afraid of these emotions cause if i let them out i will feel depressed and then thats triggers my suicidal ocd and being already tired mentally, its not a good place to get hit by suicidal ocd... i will believe again that im in danger. I know its the fear of falling back and not recovering but if i expose myself to that and say maybe i will not recover then decide to live my life, i start to worry so much to a place where i cant control it and i go to rummination and do everything that just makes me feel worse... its dissapointing... the only thing I can do is to wait and do what i can then i will se where i did something wrong so then i change it. This helped before,but sometimes youre tired of always waiting

s_____

Date posted: 1y

Same bro. I’ve been doing so well with my ocd but last night I went back to square one. I hate it so much.

nrtaewh

Date posted: 1y

its same with me, don't worry you are not alone🫂

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Sometimes i question if i can really recover from ocd but if others did it I can too... i just cant find a strenght to do it with 100% power and accountability...

nrtaewh

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 You can, you definitely can recover. It's hard but not impossible, so never lose hope🤍 (another thing try to distract yourself if you're too busy with these thoughts which is so disturbing try to spend time with your family or friends ,it really helps. When I replied you before I was so not feeling good then got busy with family and now i feel much better, it will distract you)

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@nrtaewh Somehow my mind always goes to" you do this to avoid ocd" so distraction is always seems like avoiding ocd... i know its not but ocd never gives up trying...

nrtaewh

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Be confident and don't let ocd tell you what to do I know this shit is disturbing as hell, but keep trying then slowly these thoughts will seem less convincing, just don't avoid or argue with them. It gets better with time...

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@nrtaewh Yeah sometimes i cant decide if im avoiding them or just dont give attention to them... i need to learn that

nrtaewh

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Same bro, it's hard but don't worry. I haven't been feeling best today but I know I will get through it, so you will

httpet

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I feel the same way but all that matters is you keep trying, healing is not linear at all

monte333

Date posted: 24w

Back to struggling

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

Afraid I won't recover

I'm going through a rough time. I used to think medication would brighten my world, but if anything, it's muted it. The physical anxiety is less, and I felt okay(ish) for a while, but things are getting bad again. I'm so afraid I'll never get to a point where I feel safe in my body and in my mind. Today is the first day I've cried in... I don't know how long. But I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. Initially, I did, but it morphed into dread, and now I'm sitting by myself, trying not to panic. I really want to begin seeing a therapist for OCD, but I don't know how much my insurance covers. There's just so much on my mind right now. A whole bunch of old themes are resurfacing. I wish I could've been given a different path in life. I'm trying to stay strong. It's just really difficult. I feel like I'm being sent back to square one :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I feel like I' back at 0, and im dissapointed...

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community