Hocd and religion

@68273 Oh wow. That’s tough. Was it because you don’t agree with that decision or because you do but are afraid it applies to you? Mine kind of was bad already but lately my church had a vote for whether they were going to allow lgbt people to be pastors there. It caused me to be anxious every Sunday at least.

@68273 Yeah I don’t know. I should maybe go more. I used to go twice a week at the begging of treatment. It’s mainly the cost (I used to pay full price and now I pay a 30 dollar copay bc of better insurance).

@Anxiousaddie If it was free I’d probably do it as often as my schedule and therapist showed

@Anxiousaddie Allowed *

@68273 I understand. Mine too. I personally believe that biblically it’s a sin but what if I’m only straight because of that? What if I’m only straight because of my church and family’s possible judgement if I wasn’t? What if i only believe it’s a sin because of them? There’s just so many layers. And then I just saw a TikTok of somebody who’s Christian saying they believe marriage is for a man and a woman and someone replied to them saying “just come out of the closet, you are homophobic and gay” and that triggered me too. I absolutely would NEVER try to hurt ANYONE regardless of what they believe or practice of course. I know so many people who choose that and I would never hurt them or try to judge them for it. I just don’t want that and don’t think I ever have (my ocd tries to say I def have though)

@68273 Wow I can’t believe it hahaha. I’ve never found someone with the same thoughts and hocd triggers as me hahaha. Not that it’s good but feels good not to be alone lol. Do you have an IG, Snap, or anything? If you don’t want to hand it out that’s totally cool too! No worries 😌

@Anxiousaddie I don’t go on social media as I was using it as reassurance. Actually, I’m not even suppose to be in this blog because my therapist and I have seen how I use it compulsively. 😪

@68273 Oh I totally get that. I use it compulsively too :( no worries. It’s such a hard theme with all the added layers especially.

@68273 I have heard of him actually but I can’t remember if I’ve seen his posts or not. I have feared that I bi for a long time. Before I knew I had ocd I saw a girl and I felt like she was pretty and my Brain said I was attracted to her (I was ab 15 I think) and it freaked me out and then kind of sent me into more fears later when I loved this one female celebrity and thought she was so cool and pretty and my brain said I had a crush on her. And this one time when I first heard sexuality was a spectrum from someone and was like “!” Am I 100% straight? And then I was like well maybe not a 100% because of the girl I thought was pretty and that thought freaked me out so I tried to figure out if that was true by ruminating. It’s so tough and hard to talk to nonchrisrians about it because they don’t agree with me that it’s a sin. And it’s hard to think about from a Christian perspective because I know a lot of Christian’s who believe in same sec attraction just not acting on it and I agree I think but it scares me that that is me

@68273 Sorry I rambled. I just don’t have a lot of people who get it. Please tell me if I annoy you ahahhaah

@Anxiousaddie Same. Everything you said it’s right on point w my situation as well. I’m also married . Are you working w a therapist? I’ve spoken to so many ocd therapist. They’ve also told me the same, it’s my ocd. I’ve been doing erp on and off. I did intensive outpatient therapy and I was exposed to so much and then I knew I was heterosexual so I stopped doing erp. But then, it got bad again and here I am. I’m doing therapy once a week with nocd

@68273 I’m not married. Not sure if this would make me more or less obsessed and anxious. I am working with a therapist. She’s really great. She’s not a Christian but she a ocd therapist on this app and she’s really helpful. Although she pretty much tells the same stuff every time (reduce compulsions, etc) and then I don’t listen 🥲🤣 I mean I will for a while but then someday I’ll give in and blow everything out of proportion again. It’s sucks. It doesn’t help that mine is also real event/false memory based. Because one day I had a memory of me accepting I was bi. Or being fine with it and accepting it just thinking I’d never act on it. Which I do remember thinking “maybe I like girls but I KNOW I like boys so I’m just going to date h them” but idk. There was so much to the memory. And then I just HAD TO GO CONFESS and call my mom 🙄 which made things so much worse and complicated. Because I wouldn’t tell her what was bothering me but said “I don’t want to tell you because im afraid youll say it was fake (because she wouldn’t want that for me) and I feel like it wasn’t” which now is “PROOF” im in denial. Like I feel like I literally admitted it. Sometimes I feel like im good and it’s obviously ocd and other times I think oh my gosh who am I kidding? There’s no uncertainty in this! It’s certain you accepted the thought so it’s certain!! And I really thought I did when the memory came in but then my mom said I didn’t even seem sure and I realized inconsistencies later with the memory and all.

@68273 I just wrote a book again. I’m sorry. Feel free to read as much or little as you’d like. I’m mainly rambling lol. Maybe i should stay off the app too. I meet with my therapist next week and I’ll ask what she thinks about that. I think I’m making ocd bigger and asking for reassurance too much on here.

@68273 Mainly scripting and imaging what would happen if it all came true is what I’ve been doing for erp form my therapist. Also some reading articles about people being in denial, or leaving religion and believing it’s harmful. In the past she’s told me to watch riverdale as well bc of some content that triggered my OCD while watching it but that was a little while ago

@68273 Good luck!! It’s hard but not impossible!! You’ve got this 😊

@Anxiousaddie How long have you been with nocd

@68273 About 2 years so a good while

@Anxiousaddie I asked my therapist, can ocd recovery take years? She said typically she sees clients for one year. I think I need therapy for the rest of my life. I’m having a hard time today. It was nice in the morning, I went out on a date w my husband but then my brain keeps saying, that my thoughts are real ☹️

@68273 Awe I’m sorry. How long have e you been doing therapy? Sometimes I question whether I really have ocd since I’ve been in therapy for so long. To be fair though I did take a break and wouldn’t go much but then I had that memory come in and it really made my ocd come back full force again unfortunately. Although I would say a lot of it’s my fault for giving into compulsions.

@68273 Exactly. Mine felt so certain. Didn’t even feel like I could accept the uncertainty because I didn’t feel like their was any :(

@68273 . She’s kind of said to think of it so black and white like that. Like it’s absolutely certain or not. So I try to think of like that

@Anxiousaddie Not to think of it so black and white I meant. Sorry

@68273 Hey, are you on the app rn? I wanted to ask you a question