Is there anyone here with HOCD that actually enjoys or has enjoyed gay fantasies, or that has felt aroused by their gay thoughts? I know there's nothing wrong with having gay fantasies, but I would like to learn more about how they experience their OCD. I don't mean to trigger anyone, specially those who confuse stress with feeling aroused. I've been battling HOCD for some time now and it's so debilitating and frustrating. And actually experiencing arousal to some thoughts makes me feel like its not hocd at times and makes me cry so much.

I have before about men and trans women. I have also questioned whether that means I'm gay and don't have HOCD. I'm in a good place with all that at the moment though

A pornhub survey showed that lesbian porn is the most watched category by women.

Yeah, I know. Even so, ocd always makes us feel like an exception. As if the obsession we experience is what we really are. That's awfully scary.

I relate Eddieu. I guess that's how ocd makes us think. It's never mentally enjoyable, and sex is sex, humans respond to it... sexually. Now I feel depressed most of the time. It's just sad, you know?

@Lavander Yeah, it's pretty sad. But hey, life still goes on right? We're still alive and well, and if it feels forced to like something, it's because well, you don't and you shouldn't force yourself to do it; even though we can't do that because we're like living, repeating glitches for some reason.

Actually I'm not concerned for enjoying gay fantasies. I've enjoyed trans porn and I know I can enjoy fantasies with them even though I don't like to choose those fantasies voluntarily. But I'm more concerned for the way my hocd makes me "play this fantasies". It'not just images where I have sex with people outside of my sexual orientation. It's the "script" my hocd adds to the thoughts. For instance, I could think about myself doing oral to a penis, and in the thought I'm telling myself "Maybe I'm discovering my sexuality now. I want to explore it and enjoy being more than straight and see where else this takes me". In the thought I actually get aroused and feel like I'm enjoying the idea of "exploring my sexuality (like more than being straight)". And after it passess I suffer thinking "but my god, I have never in my life at 27 yeara old felt any interest in exploring, discovering or feeling any desire to act or to engage in any "exploration" (in real life) beyond my desire for girls". And it kills me. It really kills me because then I think "now I'm enjoying not only gay fantasies, but gay ideas or interests and I have to accept them because if not I'm denying my "slight gayness". But i have never felt any interest or attraction to any of this in real life. All this is hppening in my mind and I'm nit confusing stress with arousal. I am actually feeling aroused with the idea and like I'm enjoying the thoughts. I just want to die... Please dont take this as a trigger for you. If it doesn't happen to you guys, don't start asking "what if's for your OCD"... is not what I want

I've also been experiencing hocd for many years so I relate

I have hocd, and I think that growing up in a religious home + having watched same sex porn and having been aroused by it is what made me have hocd. I've always dreamt about marrying a guy, growing old with one, but now everything is crumbling. Hocd tells me I have just figured out that I'm in fact lesbian, but this isn't who I've always wanted to be. It doesn't feel right for me. I've watched lesbian porn, yes, but it never meant anything to me. At all. I'd watch it and go on with my day, never giving it a second thought, except feeling gross sometimes afterwards. But I've never had any feelings towards a woman. So it's all so confusing, so terrible. I feel like dying every single minute of the day. I have dreams about my future, and ocd is destroying everything. I can't even see someone that's bi or gay without thinking that I may be one too, and that I'm just in denial.

Last night I enjoyed a gay fantasy but actually enojying it felt forced, I don't know how to explain it. Firstly I imagined it and felt nothing really. Then my mind told me that I liked it, and then I told my mind that I didn't, but then it told me that there's nothing wrong with enjoying them and actually feeling aroused by them, that it doesn't make you gay or bi. It's like I conditioned myself to get an erection to them. Then one thing led to another and I felt horrible and with the worst guilt of my life afterwards. It made me cry and it worsened my doubts, I have seen trans porn before and have been aroused by it and I had wet dreams with trans women too. I have only seen gay porn in images and some videos, feeling really disgusted by it, the experience destroyed me though but I do feel better now for some reason ? Rainbows and gay men checking me out still make me feel tons of anxiety though.

I have hocd, and had enjoyed gay and trans fantasy. I have also found some quite disturbing. I have watched trans too. I have experimented with men before and it wasn't for me. Although I admit I did find receiving oral from a man a pleasurable feeling. I feel comfortable comfortable expanding the boundaries of my sexual identity to include these experiences within my heterosexuality. I realised that although I didn't feel attraction to men, I did enjoy some of it on a physical level.

Thank you. Actually to me that's not a problem. I haven't received oral from a guy but oral stimulation will feel good physiologically. You shouldn't be concerned for that. I'm concerned for my mind :(

Yes I understand. For me, I feel like I'm making progress then something happens like today I had a thought that said you're actually gay and then I had a sinking feeling. Its like the harder I push forward the more push back I get