Intrusive urges

So I don’t really no what this is or if I deal with it completely or how to deal with it. Obviously if it’s an intrusive urge it’s something unwanted but is it possible to “semi” act upon it? Or of curiosity? (But not do something extreme) like if anyone else saw it wouldn’t look like you did anything terrible but you know that you did it? I don’t know if I’m making sense… but does anyone ever get curious about the bad thoughts and urges? And does that mean it’s not ocd but it’s something else/worse that needs to be dealt with? I really want a therapist to see this lol I also feel relatable to my curiosity I had as a kid when it comes to being kind of aggressive. Like one time I pinched a baby just to see what would happen; I feel bad for it now. But i worry about stuff like that within myself that may not be ocd because I don’t want to turn in to a monster that does terrible things to kids or people. But I feel like I’m looking for excuses to keep doing little things. Even thought I don’t want to want that. I want to be normal. I think. I hope.

Idkwhattosay

Date posted: 1y

I also feel like I want to hear that it’s ocd so that I can just keep on doing things that I know I shouldn’t because I know it’s not ocd. And I don’t want to do that either. Because I’d like to think the other part of is good and wants the reassurance because I don’t want to stay on this path and I want to know there’s hope to get better.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

There is hope. You're not the worst person I'm the world. 🙂

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I think what we, including me, often overlook is that we're as normal as everyone else on earth. I'm a Christian for 27 years since I received Christ. I've just been diagnosed with OCD in June of this year after a major OCD crisis so bad I don't even know who I am anymore at times. OCD causes us to hyper focus on thoughts that are common for everyone, however we give them meaning, fueled by fear and shame. Sinful, well yeah, but it's also a physiological thing, like wiring in our brains. ERP therapy aims to teach us to retrain our brains to respond to thoughts in a healthy way. Having experienced moments of healing and sobriety from the OCD thought pattern, I can once again experience grace, which is something OCD does not allow us. It's a deceptive condition, it distorts everything. Do you have any chance to do ERP therapy?

Idkwhattosay

Date posted: 1y

I really appreciate you responding. I’m seeing a therapist on BetterHelp right now actually but I’m not wanting to continue on that platform I’d really like to find someone here ASAP. Can I ask if there’s a therapist you’d recommend?

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Therapists need to be licensed in your state so it'll depend on that. I'm sure there's several in you state to choose from. I'm in PA. :-)

Idkwhattosay

Date posted: 1y

Aaanddd lol (I hate that you can’t go back an edit your original post on here) I feel like part of it is just being a sinful human and not the ocd; and I know if that’s the case I’m not hopeless either; and I don’t want to get worse. But apart of me feels like I want to stay stuck and not put in any work to get better. But I don’t want to want to be that way?

Idkwhattosay

Date posted: 1y

@Idkwhattosay Or maybe I just don’t want people to think I’m that way

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Idkwhattosay Do you feel pressure being an associate pastors wife and struggling with this?

Idkwhattosay

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 I think maybe a little

tayanominous

Date posted: 24w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

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