I have three drink blackouts in my life that have created three what I hope to be, false memories. They feel so real like they actually happened and I always feel like I’m just waiting for the cops to come and arrest me. I’m scared to be happy about anything because then it means it will all be taken away from me because I did these horrible things that I cannot even remember. I don’t know what to do anymore.
That’s me as well. Any time anything good happens, my OCD gets 100% worse
@Catlove9 I also cant forgive myself right now for blacking out when drinking those few times.
@Catlove9 Timely reminder... My dear friends, Even though there are days, I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, there's a reason a rear view mirror is so small and a windshield is so big. Where you are headed is much more important that what you left behind. If you don't leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for the promise and possibly of today, not what yesterday has taken away. You can’t climb a mountain if you are looking down. You’re loved Merrill That's something one of the guys posted this morning on a group chat I'm in. Hoping it'll encourage you :-)
@Catlove9 You, and me, are worthy of love, grace, and forgiveness. OCD tells us opposite, not God, who is truth. You are valuable and loveable, and forgiveable. 🙂
Wow. That was awesome! I love that. I need to keep that as a reminder to myself!
Please do! I knew you'd like it! Have a good night tonight. You're a blessing to me! Thank you for being a friend here!!! 🙂
@Someone99 Thank you! And right back at you. Goodnight!
@Catlove9 I struggle too with past mistakes and that's where my most debilitating OCD stems from. I'm finding as I'm learning to manage the thoughts, I can allow the real and healthy emotions to help me learn and heal. It's not a bad thing to feel bad about a past mistake, how else would we learn and grow? OCD makes it impossible to move forward properly. I hope you're have a wonderful Friday morning! And celebrate a little bit that it's Friday! 🙂💕
@Someone99 Thanks! You too! I’m trying to find a way to give myself grace. And it’s funny that when other people make the same mistakes I make, I give them grace but can never give myself grace.
@Catlove9 Isn't the interesting! We're so much more forgiving and graceful to others than ourselves, I'm the exact same!!! We're so much alike, I'm beginning to think I'm talking to myself. 🤣
@Someone99 Hahaha! It’s ironic for sure! And idk about you but dating is very hard. I recently started seeing someone within the last month but of course I want to know where his head is at but I’m scared to ask because I don’t want to seem too eager or anything. It drives me crazy.
You’re not alone! I’m in the same boat. And I’ve had some of the same intrusive thoughts for years and years. It’s troubling. You’re not a bad person at all. You wouldn’t be concerned if you were. And progress isn’t linear. We will have ups and downs. My harm ocd is the worst when I’m happy because it makes me feel like something bad will happen to take it away from me.
Thanks for the encouragement and reminder. This is the worst at times. 🩷
@Someone99 Yes. It certainly is. Especially when it makes you question who you are.
@Catlove9 I know, right? That's certainly a common symptom. For months I had no idea who I was. How often do you see your counselor?
@Someone99 It’s once a month right now but I may need a sooner appointment.
@Catlove9 Good morning! I'm at every other week with ERP therapy. Next one is tomorrow. I actually had a good night sleep and feeling refreshed this morning, hard to believe for a Monday! How are you this morning?
@Someone99 Pretty bad. The intrusive thoughts and feeling are overwhelming at the moment but I’m working and pushing through.
This is concerning, but I think you don't have anything to worry about. How long ago were these incidents?
@Someone99 One is 5 years and the other two are 3 months. What do you mean by concerning?
@Catlove9 I should add that I quit drinking for 2 years and then decided to try it again over the summer which was a bad idea because now I have two new false memories 😔
Drinking until you black out. I've done that a couple times a long time ago, it's not good. That's why I said it was concerning. That being said, 3 months, I'm sure you can relax as far as thinking you'll be arrested for something, it would've happened by now. So, time to manage your thoughts as what they are, thoughts that OCD is causing you to hyper focus on and react to. How much do you understand about OCD and how it's affecting you?
@Someone99 I definitely understand a lot but I feel like the more I understand, the more I doubt. It’s honestly impacting me a lot. I feel like a terrible person and I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I fixate on it a lot. I have had it pretty much my whole life. I’m 35 now.
@Catlove9 Seem like a common thing in OCD, the guilt, shame, and being extremely hard on ourselves. It makes us believe we're horrible. I've actually told my family members that I'm the worst person ever and I deserve to be laying on a river bank hoping some scraps wash up for me to have something to eat. Lol. I can actually chuckle at that now as I write it, but in an OCD cycle, when thought aren't managed, that's my reality. I've had it my whole life, but just got diagnosed in June. I'm a few years older than you, so that's a long time! My teen years were a mess because of it and I never understood why. Now it kind of makes sense.
@Catlove9 So, you're not alone in your struggles. So many on here understand what you're going through, I do. I'd be happy to be here for you anytime.
@Someone99 You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I try ERP and I try sitting with the discomfort but it just feels like nothing is working for me.
@Catlove9 Well sometimes it helps to talk with someone about it. :-)
@Someone99 Did you ever deal with false memory OCD?
Mostly real event, but my OCD twists memories to false event. I was freaked out once over a "memory" of my Mom saying she wished she would've had an abortion when she was pregnant with me.
@Someone99 Oh no. That would have been a rough one. I’m sorry you experienced that. False memories have been difficult. That and harm ocd for me.
Thanks. I'm sorry you're struggling the way you are as well!!! ERP therapy has helped me get through my most recent situation. Have you had therapy from a trained counselor?
@Someone99 I have. I guess I need to try harder.
It's work. Sometimes having a friend who understands you helps too. *hint, hint* 🤭 lol
@Someone99 I agree! I have told everyone around me not to give reassurance as well.
@Catlove9 Do you have family and friends who have an understanding of OCD? I'm on my own in my circles.
@Someone99 Somewhat. My sister also has it, but not to the extent I do so she thinks it should be easy to just shrug off the thoughts, but it isn’t for me. No one in your life gets it?
No, I'm the only one in my family who's had it, or knows I do. So I'm trying to educate those around me so they may understand a little bit. Most think it's made up or just an excuse. It's frustrating at times
@Someone99 My mom sometimes doesn’t get it. She will say “trust your gut” and I have to tell her it doesn’t work that way with OCD.
No it certainly doesn't. I can't trust anything in my mind or thoughts when I'm in an OCD crisis. Are you married or anything? Does OCD make it difficult to be in a relationship?
@Someone99 I’m not married and I’m single but I’ve been newly hanging with someone but OCD makes it very difficult because I am always worried all my ocd thoughts are real and my happiness will be taken away. How about you?
Divorced 5 years ago. OCD was the problem and I didn't even know it. It definitely makes it a challenge even with friends, let alone a romantic relationship. I'm hoping now that I'm aware of what it is and have learned some tools to manage it, that hopefully someday I'll be able to have a relationship
@Someone99 I think you will! I’m sorry about the divorce. I know that is not a pleasant experience. It definitely helps to know what’s actually going on.
@Catlove9 I know, right? This OCD thing is the worst. I hate why it did to me and I hate what it does to all the wonderful people on this app. I always try to encourage anyone o can. :-)
@Someone99 I agree. Me too. It sucks that we all feel like these horrible people. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m the worst or most evil person. And it’s all in my mind
@Catlove9 I actually told a family member that I'm worse than adolf Hitler. Lol. I can giggle at the extreme things like that now, but it still hits me like a wave every now and then. And my heart breaks when I read posts on here and people say those things about themselves especially young people, even in their teens. I try to encourage them because I believe there's purpose in pain we go through, it's to help others go through it too.
@Someone99 I always try to tell the younger ones how awesome it is they are getting help early because I wish I would have gotten help in my early 20s. But we didn’t really know a whole lot then. Because I think I always thought oh, it will just get better with age. But it actually just got worse and worse.
@Catlove9 How incredibly true that is! It's like time and getting older just adds more layers of stuff on, and OCD mixes it all up and makes a bigger mess of things. You're an awesome person for seeing that and reaching out to younger people that way. Too many people just move on. I think God wants us to help each other out through challenges. Not sure if you have any thoughts or belief in God or religious stuff.
@Someone99 I do! I can say it definitely helps at times. But I try not to use it as a compulsion because I know that will inevitably make it worse.
@Catlove9 True. You're very wise. :-) Glad we're talking.
@Catlove9 I found I was very compulsive in my religion, but now since doing ERP and managing my thoughts, religion is a good place for me. :-)
@Someone99 I wish I knew why ERP isn’t working. I’m wondering if it’s because I’m still trying to fight the thoughts. Does that make sense?
@Catlove9 Yes, fighting the thoughts is exactly what we're not supposed to do! And actually the hardest thing to change, because we want to fight the thought, get an answer, figure it all out. So it kinda feeds itself. I never realized ruminating like I was, was actually making it worse. But sure enough, when I learned to respond differently to my thoughts, as unnatural as it seemed, I began to experience freedom
@Someone99 So rumination is my worst compulsion. How were you able to fix that? It feels like I can’t stop.
That's mine too. To the point of running traffic lights, missing exits while driving and rolling around on the floor for hours at night instead of sleeping, when I'm at my worst. For me, it was a matter of just stopping. Self talk without turning it to a compulsion. So much to tell you!!! Can't we meet for coffee and talk?!?! Lol. Mine is real event, so my ruminating is in the form of replaying moments, having conversations over again saying things differently or things is should've said, etc. So, when the thought would hit, I'd literally say, no ruminating, I can't change the outcome, it happened, I don't like it, but it happened, maybe, maybe not, I feel uncomfortable but I'll let it be even though I don't like it, and sometimes, I'll think about this in 2 hours, or at 8 o'clock. Some tools I learned to apply. Sometimes uncertainty worked, sometimes delaying work. I'd like very much to try to help you through it you'd let me. :-)
@Someone99 Thank you! That is super helpful! I try that and I get to the point where I just can’t tolerate the horrible thing. Like I get false memory (did I do something horrible) and harm ocd (will I do something horrible). False memory has been hitting me the hardest because when I was blacked out, I can’t remember what happened. Everyone has told me nothing happened but I don’t trust what they say. And then I get wrapped around the axle and it starts feeling like the bad thing actually did happen and that my life will be over and then I start panicking.
That's OCD, we actually exist in a fight or flight mode in an OCD crisis. I'm so sorry you're stuck. Try also saying "I don't know what happened, I'm not responsible for knowing". I'd really like to help you through this! It's frustrating I'm sure.
@Someone99 You are helping me more than you know!
@Catlove9 You're a blessing to me too! Now, be prepared. When a thought comes, name it as a thought, just a thought. I don't know, I don't have to know, I'm not responsible to know, no ruminating, and I'm going to wait to think about it, it's just going to be there... I'll be your coach. 😁
@Catlove9 And please, let's keep in touch. I'll be thinking of you. And may I pray for you?
@Someone99 Thank you! Yes definitely. Let’s stay in touch. I REALLY appreciate all your help. I would be honored if you prayed for me!
@Catlove9 Praying now!!! 🙏 I'll check in on you tomorrow. Please sleep well (not sure where you are in the world, it's getting close to bedtime here) 🙂
@Someone99 Same here! And you sleep well, too!
@Catlove9 How are you doing today?
@Someone99 My false memories are killing me. How are you?
@Catlove9 I'm doing ok. Remember, separate from the memories and thoughts, allow yourself the freedom to not need to figure it out and find answers. It may feel weird but it'll help
@Catlove9 Actually my thoughts were hitting me hard in a meeting here at work, I was hardly paying attention because of thoughts about my previous job that sent me in to an OCD crisis.
@Catlove9 My challenges are a daily thing too, we're in this together. 🙂
@Someone99 What happened at your previous job? Does it cause a lot of anxiety?
I was fired because of OCD. Then afterwards I had major intrusive thoughts about every conversation and everything that happened leading up to it. It was bad. I was only out of work 2 weeks and have just as good of a job, but my intrusive thoughts were extremely bad months afterwards, so I knew I needed help and found NOCD.
I didn't know it was OCD at the time
@Someone99 I am So sorry you went through that. How could they fire you for a mental health issue?
@Catlove9 It doesn’t seem fair.
@Catlove9 It was almost unbelievable. I spoke to the eeoc and a lawyer and they tell me there's nothing I can do. :-( So, I'm working to move on and better myself, find real meaning and purpose in my life. I think it's to love people and help anyone I can through tough times. :-) Thank you for your kind words
@Someone99 Well I’m glad you were able to find something else! And you’ve already helped me!
@Catlove9 Is your day going ok?
@Someone99 Hey sorry. Work got so busy. It was okay. Has a few freak outs. My harm ocd really gets the better of me some days. My themes switch so quickly.
@Catlove9 Yeah, it's amazing how shifty it can be. Just please don't be afraid to reach out when you're struggling. 🙂
@Someone99 I’m just not sure why I keep treating every thought as important. You would think by now I’d realize this is OCD but it’s almost like I won’t allow myself to take the chance.
@Catlove9 When I began ERP, I actually had myself convinced it didn't work by the time my next appointment came, then my therapist walked me through it and I was like, wow, this really does work
It's what your brain knows as normal, how we've been thinking all our lives. It's amazing actually, because the brain actually creates pathways based on repeated thought patterns. So how our brain thinks today is how it developed over the years of our lives. That's why ERP is so difficult because it seems unnatural.
@Someone99 It does feel unnatural. It feels like I’m this horrible person and by doing ERP I’m just lying to myself. Does that make sense?
@Catlove9 It does make sense. That's OCD's biggest lie, we all believe we're the worst person on earth. It's so not true! So, we need each other.
@Catlove9 Because OCD also makes us want to isolate, it does me, like I'm too horrible to have friends, experience joy and happiness.
I haven't even attempted dating in over a year! 🫣 Just hoping to be able to do so many things better next time. That's exciting for you! Just take one day at a time and enjoy this early stage of the relationship. And ... manage those thoughts! I know, easier said than done. Lol
@Someone99 Hahaha so much easier. Because now my OCD is screaming at me. Have you ever dealt with intrusive feelings or urges?
@Catlove9 Yes. And with my relationship OCD, my compulsions are driven by those feelings and urges. Like I'm incredibly needy and become annoying, it seems. Trying to work on that. Lol
@Someone99 How do you treat urges? They are the scariest to me. Especially with harm ocd.
@Catlove9 By identifying the thought that caused them, maybe? I can definitely see that as being a concern. Do you get urges to harm yourself or something/someone else?
@Someone99 It’s mainly the thoughts and then when I ruminate it feels real. Like it feels like something bad will happen. I think that’s pretty standard I guess.
@Catlove9 Yeah. Gotta control that ruminating. How are you doing today?
@Someone99 I’m spiraling. I feel like I tackle stuff and then the next day it just feels different and threatening again.
@Catlove9 My therapist said my famous line is “but this time it feels different.”
@Catlove9 I have seen that in some of you comments. Kinda cute. :-) But yeah, that's the OCD playing games on you. It's like it's deceptive and tricky. And also, we actually want to do the compulsions because it's our "normal". I was awake several times last night and started ruminating over my ex job experience. Actually took a while until I fought it off, I wanted so desperately to go there and do things over differently in my mind. But I had to force myself not to. We actually fight ourselves, does it feel like that for you sometimes? It does for me. That's why practice and homework and staying the course is important, we retrain ourselves.
@Someone99 Yes. It feels that way now. I’m literally having a panic attack because it’s making me feel like I want to hurt people and I don’t and I’m freaking out. Legit freaking out and I hate this.
@Catlove9 The amount of anxiety and panic coming through feels like I can’t handle it. Even though I know I can. I’m terrified.
@Catlove9 Ok, thanks for telling me. Are you home?
@Catlove9 Can you identify a thought creating the feeling to people?
@Someone99 I’m not home. With the person I’m newly dating.
@Catlove9 Ok, that's a good thing! OCD is probably sneaking in because of nerves, insecurities, etc. It's not real, what's outside your mind is real, things you see, color of the carpet, the smells, the temperature, etc.
@Catlove9 Be present in the moment.
I’m going to try. But then my brain says “well in the moment you’re going to do xyz.”
I’m doing a little better but now I’m questioning why it feels this way and why this has happened. Why does it feel so real and why did I have these thoughts.
It's amazing how real it feels. I got fired from my job because I was 100% sure a few guys were bad mouthing me to a female coworker I thought I had a good friendship with. I was convinced I was noticing all this proof and even that God was revealing these things to me and wanted me to fix the problem. I was in fight or flight mode at work and snapped one day. That's just it, we react as if it's a real threat. I understand what you're going through.
@Someone99 Will this moment ever end?
@Catlove9 It will. I'll be here with you through it if you'll allow me
@Catlove9 Thing is, you don't need to know why you have these thoughts. They're just thoughts.
@Someone99 I am happy you’ll be here. I’m so terrified.
@Catlove9 I won't leave you. Are you still out?
@Someone99 No I’m back. Have you gone through this?
@Catlove9 It sounds very similar. Did everything go ok?
@Someone99 It’s going okay. It just feels like this will never end and that I finally have turned into this horrible person.
@Catlove9 Actually you're an amazingly kind, gentle, person. I can guarantee it without knowing you in person. Another OCD thing. Makes us feel like the most horrible person in the world. I don't know if I told you my name yet? I'm Mike. I pray for you every day. I wonder if there's not something in your past like some kind of trauma that may be causing this. I know there is for me.
@Someone99 I’m Carla. I think my past is my parents always making me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
Hi Carla! Yeah that seems to be a common thing. I was ignored among other things. I'm glad we're friends, this has been good for me too
@Someone99 I’m glad! I just wish I knew why today was happening! But I guess that’s me ruminating
@Catlove9 It was. We need to work on that. :-) I mentioned I had a rough night. Today hasn't been the best either. Gotta do my homework.
How are you doing today?
Hi Carla! I'm not doing the best. For some reason the past event memory/thoughts are hitting me. Sunday is usually tough
How are you doing today?
@Someone99 I know what you mean. I’m doing okay but it’s touch and go. It feels like I am now the bad person I’m always scared I am so it’s hard. Harm ocd is super super rough for me.
@Catlove9 Not sure if you’ve experienced that theme.
@Catlove9 I do, but it's a self harm thing, and usually resulting from other themes. You have mentioned that many times. You're not a horrible person, just the opposite. That's what OCD does it attacks us where we value things the most.
@Catlove9 Are you located somewhere in Europe? Seems like you're several hours ahead of me just guessing by the time of our conversation. :-)
Sorry! Nope. East coast of the US
Oh, well, I'm not as smart as I thought. 🤭 Lol
Today has been an interesting day. I'm concerned how much my intrusive thoughts have been there the past couple days. And I've been ruminating more than I should. I feel like a hypocrite with my "conquerer" badge on days like this. I'm feeling like a bad person today too, Carla. I hate this. I hate what it does to us. Wish you were here with me to talk to. :-(... Sorry 🫣
Does your harm OCD spoke in stressful situations? Is it noticeable mostly in social situations? How about when you're home alone relaxing?
spike, not spoke... Lol
So sorry to hear that. Remember to try to separate, you are not your thoughts. They're just thoughts. I know we hear these things over and over, but I need reminders, we all do. 🙂
@Someone99 I agree. It’s so hard right now because it feels like it’s not OCD anymore. Like it feels like this is who I am now. I think I know deep down it’s OCD but it’s scaring me.
@Catlove9 I really thought by age 35, I’d be in so much better shape with this but it’s not the case.
@Catlove9 Well...I'm older than you. Seems like it doesn't get better if it's not properly managed, maybe because there's more stuff added on to complicate it more, or because we reinforce our compulsions more as years go by?
@Catlove9 Or a combination. Lol
@Catlove9 Did you ever try laughing at your harm thoughts? For me, part of my ruminating over a real event was thinking about revenge against one of my ex coworkers. I was planning on physically attacking this person. I thought of hitting him on the head with a baseball bat then blowing up his car. My therapist had me write thoughts like that down, I used notes on my phone and typed it. But being able to see it in front of me and read it over and over again, after a while it became funny to me. I'd actually start laughing as I'd read it in ERP session. It was very helpful doing that.
@Someone99 My sister told me she’s able to laugh at the thoughts now. I haven’t tried that but maybe I should? It’s a little scary to get it down on paper because it makes it seem like it’s more real but I guess that’s the point of doing ERP.
@Catlove9 Yes it is. And it helps me to get out of my head when I write things out. That's why when I read posts on here from so many people suffering with this, I just want to reach in and pull them out, so to speak. :-)
@Someone99 That makes sense. I’m glad you suggested it. I’m going to try it.
@Catlove9 How are things with the gentleman you're seeing? Is OCD still making that difficult?
@Catlove9 Let me know how it works 🙂
@Someone99 It’s still making it difficult because I’m happy and because I’m happy my OCD is hitting me hard. Sometimes it’s almost easier to not be happy. If that makes sense.
@Catlove9 It does. For me it seems like as everything in my life gets good, I'm just about to get thrown to the dogs. Lol. Like my previous work situation. I often wonder how nice it would be to date someone who fully understands. My therapist is female and sometimes I catch myself imagining what it would be like to date her. 🫣 That's bad. Lol
@Someone99 Hahaha I think that’s pretty normal. How old are you? Have you tried any sites?
Mid 40's. A couple years ago I did. Not recently. Lol
@Someone99 It’s a crap show honestly. It’s hard to find people. OCD doesn’t make it easier. And it’s hard to find people not using apps. And I don’t drink anymore so I don’t want to go out and find someone that way.
@Catlove9 I agree. I was never in to the bar scene. I actually have an interview in Texas on the 27th of this month, so I may relocate. I have family in Houston and Dallas area. Getting tired of the long winters here too. Lol
@Someone99 I don’t blame you! That would be awesome if you could move. I’ve heard Texas is nice. I grew up in Alaska so I’m kind of the opposite. I miss the snow!
@Catlove9 Alaska!?!? Wow, that must've been neat, are you an Eskimo? 🤭Lol. I love the change of seasons here in PA, but it's rough on allergies and the winter gets depressing. We'll see.
And it's getting way too built up here and everyone seems to be in a hurry and angry all the time. The time I spent in Virginia, the Carolinas, Florida, and Texas, everyone seems so much nicer in the south
@Someone99 Hahah! I’m a military brat. I agree. It’s way too congested here. I was actually thinking of moving to Maine at some point.
Oh yeah you did mention you were a military brat. 🙂 I've never been to Maine. I'm sure it gets cold there. Maybe if things don't work out with the guy you're seeing, I'll buy you dinner. 🫣 lol
@Someone99 Hahaha! Site unseen? That’s gutsy!
@Catlove9 Good one though! 🤣
Lol! Well, the older I'm getting, the more I'm realizing that the eyes can be deceiving. Lol! I've often wondered what it would be like to fall in love as a blind man.
@Someone99 That’s an interesting perspective. I wonder if it would be more meaningful. I’m not quite sure. Going blind is a huge fear of mine.
@Catlove9 Not saying I'd ever want to be blind. And hope I didn't trigger you!!! But it's more about connecting, being able to talk and share and hurt together. My marriage was so empty that way. So, hoping to not make that mistake again.
@Someone99 You didn’t trigger me! It’s okay. So you got divorced? I’ve been there as well.
Yeah. You haven't mentioned that before. Sorry, it stinks. OCD had a lot to do with it for me even though I wasn't aware that's what it was
@Someone99 My OCD is what led me to get into relationships I shouldn’t have but also made it hard to be in relationships before.
@Catlove9 It does complicate everything! It's very refreshing talking with people who understand. I've always felt so different from everyone else throughout life. I always said I wouldn't even fit in on the island of misfit toys. If you're a Rudolf fan. Lol
@Someone99 Hahaha I am. I use that expression all the time actually. I always felt the same. I always felt different. Other people could always go and have fun but I was always so cautious. Everything has always scared me. I was always very good in school and my career. I guess that’s one positive.
@Catlove9 It is a positive! What type of work are you in? I'm the same way, driven to be the best at my career. That's one reason why getting fired back in May almost destroyed me. Had nothing to do with my ability to do my job, I was doing excellent at it.
I’m in a regulatory position! Not a surprise because I love rules lol. How about you?
I'm tool/mold maker for a pharmaceutical packaging company. Yeah, I guess the precision work and close tolerance work is the only thing that makes sense to me. Lol! It's strange because just a couple years ago my chiropractor/friend told me about the Myers Briggs personality test. So I did one on 16personalities.com and I'm a INFP, which is the same as William Shakespeare and J.R.R. Tolkien. Seems contradictory to being in a technical field, but it was freakishly accurate when I read the description. Lol
@Someone99 That’s a very cool job! It sounds so interesting. I am an INTJ. i felt the same about mine. It describes me pretty well.
Very cool. Yes it was creepy when I read the description, I was like, how do they know so much about me?!?! Worse yet, you mean there's other people like this! Lol
@Someone99 Hahaha. Yah I know exactly what you mean. Can I ask you an OCD question?
@Catlove9 Of course!!! Sorry for the small talk. 🤭
@Catlove9 Are you ok today?
@Someone99 Oh small talk is great! When you started just accepting the thoughts and feelings and not fighting them, did it feel weird at first?
@Catlove9 Yes! It will because it's unnatural. We actually fight our minds learn response. That's why a it's very important to have someone, a therapist, and/or someone who understands (like me 🙂💗) with you, because you're going to doubt, you're going to question and you're going to want to give up.
@Catlove9 And it's not that you're accepting the thoughts to agree and give in, you're just accepting them as thoughts, they're there. But they don't mean anything, they don't require a response, or deserve a response, because they're jerks that aren't worth responding to. They're just there. They don't define you, you're a kind, gentle, wonderful person. :-)
@Someone99 Yah. I do have a NOCD therapist. I’m just starting to actually apply my ERP. I’m trying not to give the thoughts power but I’m finding it difficult because I feel like they are starting to scream louder and actually get scarier. So I thought I was maybe doing something wrong.
The first month was rough for me. It seemed to escalate, I doubted, etc. Then the time in therapy was helpful because my therapist just got me grounded and showed me how to apply the tools, and eventually I believed in them and it starts to become natural.
@Someone99 It’s starting to feel like it’s all more real. Probably because I’m not doing compulsions.
@Catlove9 Yes it will. Just tell the thought it's a jerk. Lol
@Catlove9 Thinking of you! Hope you're doing ok
@Someone99 I’m hanging in there!
@Catlove9 Good. I'm keeping my eye on you 😊 lol
@Someone99 Hahah thank you. I’m sitting with the discomfort and pressing on even though it sucks and I’d love to just sit and cry 😂
Good to hear you're doing the right thing. It does suck, it's not our normal, but it works and it'll get easier. And you can cry on my shoulder any day! That's what friends are for. 🙂
@Someone99 Thank you. I really appreciate your support!
@Catlove9 It's interesting how it helps me. Like when I can give an answer or suggestion to you, it's like it reminds me how to deal with this or manage. I'm not exactly over this myself. So I really appreciate you too! 💕
@Someone99 How long have you had OCD? I can remember tendencies all the way back when I was 4.
@Catlove9 I can see evidence of it just about all my life too. And different themes were more prevalent at different times too.
@Someone99 What themes have you had?
They kind of overlap too. Like harm for me is in the form of revenge towards others in my real event situation. Religious is a theme because I notice I've acted with compulsions in my spiritual life. Sexual orientation was big through certain periods of my life, and relationship OCD is a big one which is what caused my recent work issues. Do you see any other themes other than harm or notice any overlapping issues from OCD?
@Someone99 Yah for sure. I always had health and relationship ocd. That’s always been a given. HIV OCD was horrendous for me. Then I developed false memory OCD. then around 5 years ago harm ocd randomly came in while I was having a panic attack and truly threw me for a loop.
@Catlove9 I have had health OCD, and believe it or not, HIV was the main fear. I made a bad decision a few years ago that led to that one.
@Someone99 Mine was when I was 21 and I was dating someone and my mom said “you’re going to get hiv and then no one will love you.”
Ugh, sometimes people don't realize how words sting and stay with us. I was in a very reckless state of mind after divorce and had an unprotected hookup. She assured me she was clean, but strange things happened which made me convinced i had it. Ended up having every test under the sun for the next 2 years and everything was negative. The app on my phone isn't working today, so I logged in on my work computer to write you. Do you have telegram?
@Someone99 I’m technologically deficient lol so I don’t have anything. Ugh. I know the feeling. I’ve been tested a million times for hiv.
We have way too many things in common! lol
Still have to use work computer. I open the app on my phone and the little circle thing just spins and spins. I get no community feed or messages. Like wtf? Lol!
@Someone99 Yah. That’s annoying. It’s happened to me before too! Today I’m struggling with forgiving myself for drinking this past summer. I had gone 2 years and then tried it again. I wish I hadn’t.
@Catlove9 Self forgiveness is a challenge, almost impossible with OCD! It's only possible once the thoughts are managed and I get out of the OCD spin cycle
@Catlove9 And I can log in on my phone again! Lol
@Someone99 Hahaha yay! That’s good. That’s happened to me before. It was probably good bc I wasn’t looking for reassurance
@Catlove9 No reassurance here! Lol. How was your day?
@Someone99 It was okay. I’m really working hard to not engage with the thoughts but it’s just making me feel so weird. How was yours?
@Catlove9 It was ok. Intrusive thoughts about ex job were hitting me on and off again today. I find I want to entertain them but know I can't so I apply the tools when I can.
@Someone99 I got an order from JCrew today and there was a pair of kids pants in there by accident and it made me think “what If this means xyz.” And freaked out
Am OCD mind assigns meaning to a thought, hyper focuses on it, research, figure it out, relieve distress through compulsions... But you didn't do any of that, you allowed the thought to be there, allowed the uneasy, uncertain feelings and left it pass. Maybe? 🙂
@Someone99 Yup! I did my best! I called my sister for reassurance but told her not to call me back bc it was just for reassurance.
@Catlove9 Good! Keep working on it and it'll become natural in time. I'm happy you allow me to be part of your journey. 🙂
@Catlove9 I'm flying to South Carolina tomorrow for a wedding this weekend! Looking forward to a 4 day weekend!
@Someone99 Wow that sounds awesome! That should be a good time. I hope it’s nice weather. Hopefully you’re able to let loose a little.
@Catlove9 Thanks! Looks like some rain there Friday, but Saturday looks nice. It should be fun. So you said you like rules, is that because you like keeping and enforcing them, or do you like breaking them? Lol!
@Someone99 Haha I like enforcing them. I’m a rule follower.
@Catlove9 Well that's good. How are you today?
@Someone99 I’m really having a hard time with my one false memory. It frickin sucks. How are you?
@Catlove9 I just got your message! I looked a few times throughout the day and it wasn't here. Just got to my hotel in South Carolina and got your message and it says it was sent 15 hours ago. 😕
@Catlove9 Hey you, where are you? And how are you doing?
@Someone99 Hey! I’m doing alright. I’ve tried staying off here as much as possible because I feel I use it for reassurance 😔
@Catlove9 I know, I question that in me sometimes too. I missed you 🥺 lol
@Someone99 Yah it’s definitely a fine line of reassurance and help!
@Catlove9 Very true, especially with the mental compulsions, so tricky
any advice for when you get false memories that feel really real? especially something that had JUST happened, it’s like ur brain distorts it. i feel like i do something wrong 24/7 then i get over it and ocd latched onto something new
So. I was in a traumatic relationship. for a long time. it was filled with gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, cheating ect. I would OBSESS over finding out where they were, what they were doing, who they were talking too. but I couldn’t leave. I tried so hard but I never could. they would call me names, physically hurt me, throw things, break things. because I would question them all the time. but I just couldn’t leave. no matter what I knew. they would manipulate me. I fell for their childhood trauma. it’s like I lost all logic. but I also feel like I have a pretty good memory with memories. not all the way, but remembering a lot of the traumatic things. especially now that I’m no longer with them. I keep remembering things that’s happened. even from my childhood. one time way before I even started dating this person, I had an intrusive thought about a friend of mine. that was with me. and I freaked out. I thought I had acted on the intrusive thought the next day. I asked my friend for confirmation but they said nothing happened. but the memories about it feel SO REAL. so VIVID. but they swore that nothing happened and they had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts for my whole life. so fast forward to now, that ‘false memory’ from my friend randomly popped up and I started obsessing about it, and my childhood ‘memories’ that have popped up. and then I was reading an article of someone doing something horrible, and then it sounded ‘familiar’ and so then I’ve created this whole memory of me doing something similar to the article involving my partner doing it also. the memory keeps adding new things and conversations around it. when it involves an actual real memory. but it’s like it’s been twisted from what I remembered before. I also suffer from bad anxiety. I’ve stalked pictures. my search history to figure out what I was doing that say when the real event happened. and I’ve found some things but I can’t look through my texts because I got a new phone. it has been hounding me for months. MONTHS. trying to figure out if this new ‘memory’ is real or not. if it’s been fabricated by an intrusive thought from reading the article and thinking ‘what if’ or if it actually happened and because I’m no longer in this relationship it’s a ‘repressed memory’ but the thing is I have horrible horrible anxiety and I don’t think I could have gone this long knowingly that that happened without remembering it until now. because I remember a lot of the horrible things that they did. this ‘memory’ is fuzzy, but it brings me horrible anxiety when I think of it, like I feel like it happened. but I also feel like it didn’t happen. because I know I would never do anything like that. but WHAT IF I DID, because I was manipulated. idk. is this a false memory. I really need help. because it’s been debilitating. that relationship was really traumatic. and I got manipulated into a lot of things. but I wouldn’t have just went forward knowing that that happened??? there’s no way I could have just forgotten it. because before when I would think about that night it was different, until now. but what if I just made myself forget what truly happened?? I’m a pretty self aware individual, but somehow that relationship really REALLY put me into a trance somehow where I allowed things that I have no idea how I would even allow because before I met that person I would have never allowed someone to cheat on my constantly or talk to me the way they did. or allow abuse. like I don’t understand it.
Can it feel like you literally remember a false memory happening? And it feels like the memory has always been there and you vividly remember it happening that way? Because I don’t even know if I’m experiencing a false memory or not but god it feels so fucking real. Like I literally remember it happening. But what’s weird is the original memory was kind of different. 2 years later, the memory is not the same, but it feels like I literally remember it happening. And in this memory, I’m fucking snapping. I’m acting on my thoughts. I feel like a fucking psycho. I hope this is just OCD
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