A question for everyone here

Do you remember how you felt about your days before OCD? Before everything was difficult because of OCD? I remembered how carefree and cheerful I was towards my days and I don't really get that anymore. I'm content, but I know I could be happier. I could have more confidence and self esteem in myself. I just don't feel like that anymore. It's always less than that. Not having a lot of self esteem and constantly remembering my regrets and shame doesn't really help. It makes me not want to pursue much. Some days I can, but other days not. Physical symptoms are also not great either.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

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BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

How do you use it as motivation? Thanks

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@FinneganFox90 I'm very happy to hear that you've gotten the help you need and that you've seen ways that ERP works with a therapist. I'm still working to get a therapist that can help me get this journey started. Focusing on the little things is a challenge for me. I can't help but think about the past all the time and it takes me out of the present. There are times where I can sort of forget about all my worries and very very rarely feel like I don't even have intrusive thoughts though. Another problem is that most, if not all my concerns are based on real things that have happened that I've done or had happened to me and it's more than just thoughts. But I also know that I've been told the events aren't what matters in the long run. Again, I'm glad all of that has gotten easier for you and that you've managed to find so much joy in the little things. I hope when I get help I can get that again.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@FinneganFox90 I would've never guessed you had to deal with real events as well. For me, it's a little bit different than what you described. There's definitely a fear of what if it happens again but my main concern is the lasting damage I've done to myself or others because of the stupid choices of mistakes that I've made, whether it's from a very compulsive behavior that was based on urges and not thinking of what had happened many years ago. It's hard to get passed these events because if feels like they're still bothering me today, even though they happened a while ago. What also doesn't help me is the way I think about things. I've noticed that it's almost all negative thinking and it's anxiety induced thoughts that don't help ease me. They all stress me in one way or another. It's hard to be optimistic about things or look forward to the little things because of what my thoughts have become for me. It sucks. I try my best not to believe them but that's not good enough. Besides real event worries, I'm having a lot of concerns about my health that don't seem to ease. I want to see a doctor but I just haven't.

Feraro

Date posted: 1y

Yeah. I feel like it all just naturally changed with puberty for me.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 20w

Missing when I felt ok.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

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