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- 5y
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- 5y
I can relate to this as well! I think HOCD is one that has always come and gone for me but it hit worse than intrusive thoughts a year and a half ago after my husband proposed and I started worrying about if I was making the right decision blah blah blah ROCD and then HOCD got some major hooks in. I started worrying that “what if this doesn’t feel right? Is this how it’s supposed to feel? What if I only think it feels right but I am actually a lesbian” etc. I had recovered really well and then a lesbian started at my job, and I had read a story about a woman who left her husband and took her children to live with this other woman in New York. This new person starting at my job has sent me back into a spiral and I feel like I’m back at square one. I would trade literally any of my previous OCD themes or any other theme in a heartbeat.
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- 5y
I just can’t accept the uncertainty. If it’s possible, it seems probable, and if it’s probable, then it’s definitely going to happen. And I am fighting so hard to not be okay with that. I know it’s causing the cycle but I can’t stop
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- 5y
what does hocd mean?
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I do
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Can you please tell me about your experience i need to talk about this to some one
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I just can't take it
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- 5y
Anymore
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- 5y
Do you want to share your experiences or talk about it
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- 5y
I was suffering from dying ocd few years back and right now i just turned 20 and i am in a beautiful relationship with sweetest girl around 1 month back this question just popped up because i noticed something i dont cleary remember what. But since than i have been in conflict sometime it feels this is all real and i am in denial but my history doesn't let me believe it i did all sorts of things to get relief but it backfired i dont know what is real and what is fake now . I just dont want to leave my gf.
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- 5y
I’m so glad Lauren said she has dealt with this since being young because I remember being younger or in high school maybe and actually hearing about lesbians and stuff. I just always worried that there’s no way that it could’ve been OCD because if it was then it wouldn’t keep coming back, so clearly I must be in denial about something.
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- 5y
Actually it is a mental illness it can reoccur like hocd or some other ocd which our brain wants to obsess about
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- 5y
Well then I also tell myself “what if it never went away? What if they weren’t intrusive thoughts and just the real you that you’re in denial of”
Related posts
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- 19w
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
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- 19w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
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- 15w
So I’ve talked to a couple of gay people and they all told me the same thing. They ALWAYS knew they liked guys and they have ever gotten aroused by a woman in their life. In fact they told me that they always found a woman’s body disgusting. Looking back in my life I’ve been attracted to girls for as long as I can remember even before puberty. All my fantasies were about girls and I can’t remember a time where I felt the same for a guy (because it never happened). At the end I can still get aroused by women and you can clearly see how much stupid this obsession about being gay is. Gay people can’t get instinctively aroused by a woman and like it. Groinal responses and sensations don’t mean anything because they simply do not bring joy or a feeling of desire. Instead they bring panic. I once got a groinal when “testing my reactions” and I was sitting there crying like my life is over. That’s not how genuine attraction works and no one has woken up one day feeling different and no one has been secretly gay and never noticed it and spent his whole life into women instead.
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