Why?

I’m so stressed. And not stressed as in normal stress but im on a ledge and i’m so close to the end of it. These feelings in my soul are pushing me closer to that edge. I feel like i’m about to explode. Im sick of living like every god forsaken day. I see no point nor purpose to be here besides the fact that I would be a dead son, student, friend, and etc. Im only here because of other people and i’m so done. And i’ve had these god awful mood swings where one moment i’m happy sometimes even better than usual and I get stuff done and I smile. Then like the next day it’s back to where I was, cold dark empty and alone. I feel hopeless, I can’t control my emotions and it’s so overwhelming. I want to scream and cry and rip my hair out. Im only 15. Why couldn’t I be like other teens? Why couldn’t I just have a normal family life? Why couldn’t I have what everyone else has? Why do I fucking struggle while everyone else gets to exist as happy as ever. IM DONE. Im so sick of this constant cycle. And it doesn’t fucking help that my dad is gone. WHY ME? I have always been kind and loving to people even when they don’t fucking deserve it and this is what I get? I pray, I hope things change cause I don’t want to see tomorrow if this is what will happen.

SomaticSun🌤️

Date posted: 1y

I was a mess from age 12-15 Thought my friends were trying to kill me, afraid of my own shadow, random waves of panic for no reason, and that was BEFORE OCD even struck. Got OCD more in my early 20’s. Wait till your hormones settle a bit. I’d bet all my money it’s why you’re going from happy to sad to hopeful to hopeless.

landonw

Date posted: 1y

@SomaticSun🌤️ I’m glad to know that it could just be hormones. I’m going to see my psychiatrist, i’m hoping it’s not a mood disorder.

SomaticSun🌤️

Date posted: 1y

@🌕 Nah, mine was just anxiety manifesting in many creative ways. Once I was more settled in high school, I was strangely normal for a good 4-5 years. Then early 20’s hit and OCD struck. All somatic.

NODA

Date posted: 1y

@🌕 Bravo!!! Go and see your psychiatrist. You two might even consider you taking an anti-depressant like Zoloft,... They sure make life a lot more bearable. The anxiety almost disappears. You start seeing the beauty in your life. I know you are just 15. And it is very possible your hormones are causing havoc. No matter what causes it, you need to find a way to live with it or to make it as easy as possible. I see myself in your description. I am a lot older than you. But have always been like you describe yourself and those things still are happening to me. With other people. Mood swings are gone since I started SSRI Zoloft. Some consider the neurotransmitter serotonin a hormon. When there is not enough of it or isn't doing it's job properly in our brain, it can cause hell on earth. That's why serotonin meds help. Never give up. You were born because you were meant to be here. You might not see it yet, but you will learn the reason throughout your life. Sooner or later it will become clear to you. For now you might just want to look at it like this: you were born to show goodness to those self-centered insensitive egoists. If at least one of them realizes what a good person you are and decides to try to be more like you, you've done a lot. Maybe your purpose in life is to teach people how to be good or better. Most of them aren't ready to get it and change, but even if only one does every now and then, I say good job! You have changed the world for the better. Until you and your psychiatrist figure it out how to help you, you have us here for support. You will be fine. Life is great when you have NOCD community in it. 😊🤗

landonw

Date posted: 1y

@NODA That’s the thing! I’m on Zoloft 100mgs and i feel like it isn’t helping😭 thank you for your beautiful message I sincerely thank you.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

an emotional vent :(

I don’t know if it’s worth it to keep going. I have so many diagnoses, so little support, and constant struggles with finding the right medication. My immune system is weak, I have multiple deficiencies, and I’m dealing with so many physical health problems on top of severe OCD. It’s just too much. On top of everything, my family treats me so not okay. Every single day is a fight just to keep going—to wake up, to eat, to take care of myself even a little. I’ve lost over ten pounds in the last two weeks from how depressed I’ve been. And instead of support, all I get is blame. My family constantly throws my struggles in my face, calling me selfish, as if I’m choosing this. I am trying so hard to push past all of this. But after five long months of severe OCD, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and everything else making life unbearable, I am exhausted. And to be called lazy? Selfish? *Worthless*? How am I supposed to keep going when the people around me refuse to see how hard I’m trying? I don’t want this anymore. None of this suffering feels worth it. What am I fighting for just to be treated this way by my own family? To be yelled at for the look on my face, when my face reflects nothing but the stress, panic, and despair I’m drowning in? Am I still supposed to smile for them? This isn’t fair. No one should have to live like this. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I’m really trying to keep going, but I just want everything to end.

shirleyCstar

Date posted: 23w

I should get help

This past week I realized I have not friends. It makes me feel lonely. I’ve been homeschooled my whole life, so my only social life would be work or church. I don’t have a job right now due to medical reasons. But I feel like such a fucking loser right now. The voices of my family and myself are making me feel horrible. “You couldn’t even kill yourself right.” Is what my brother said. He told me I need to grow up and realize that nobody gives a fuck. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Am I really just a sensitive piece of shit? Am I just being dramatic? I feel so lost right now. I can’t stop comparing myself to others who seem to be doing so well. It’s not like I haven’t been searching for a job. They’ve all turned me down. I’ve gotten help and I know my resume is great. Maybe my dad is right that it’s really just how I am. People are hired because of the way they are. I am not outgoing or friendly or approachable and it makes me hate myself so much. I know I can’t kill myself. I can’t put that financial and emotional burden on my family. I’m already enough of a burden as it is. I know that I’m “never a burden,” but the truth is I am. My mom even admitted that I was the most burden of a child and it makes me feel so guilty. I wish they didn’t love me. It’s so selfish and horrible to say that. I know there’s someone out there who deserves my life and family more than I do. I deserve punishment and failure. But I want an answer. It’s impossible to know the future. Am I right? Am I really destined for failure? If only I got that answer I’d be relieved. It’s not the ideal answer, but it’s still an answer. I don’t have to try anymore. It’s fucking tiring. I know I’m not alone. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I need to realize that this is real life and life’s not fair.

🖤BrokenChaos🖤

Date posted: 23w

False Memory/Real Event/Vent

Okay. So, for those who have seen my previous posts, you are probably well versed in what I have been going through, but I feel like venting again. 😅 So, my brother came home from the hospital (because of SI), and I'm extremely on edge from that. Bro has the F*CKING AUDACITY to mock me when I'm in pain, sigh, cry, or laugh. When he used to do that, he would smack/punch/kick/etc. me, and I got in trouble with DCFS for hitting back (1 1/2 years ago), so now I can't have kids until I'm 21 (I'll be 18 in 9 days), otherwise, they'll be taken away. I cannot laugh, joke (I'm the queen of dad jokes), cry, TALK in a silly voice, sing (my main stress relief, even if it's excruciating), or anything along the lines of expressing myself without him becoming "triggered" because it's a "boundary." I AIN'T DOING SH*T TO HIM. I MOSTLY STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET SNAPPED AT FOR TALKING TO >OUR< PARENTS. I don't want to go home at the end of the day, to be honest. I'm soo f*cking DONE with all this BULLSH*T!!! I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks my brother and I are just "faking" and "attention seeking." HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FAKE A SEIZURE??? OR MY LEG RANDOMLY CONVULSING. I DON'T F*CKING WANT BRUISES EVERYWHERE! I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN THE F*CKING >>STAIRS<<!!!! So then my OCD goes into overdrive, telling me that I'm not in pain, that I am faking everything, that there is nothing wrong with me, and to stop lying. That the memories of falling down the stairs are just fake and lies, even though I have the bruises to prove it. I don't get dizzy, I don't stumble, and I don't see stars when I CLEARLY AM. I'm so TIRED. My anxiety is going INSANE, so of course my BPD mood swings have to as well, so that's just f*cking PERFECT!! Absof*ckinglutely PERFECT. I'm tired of my body not working properly, I HATE my body. I HATE my personality because of how insanely unpredictable it causes me to be. I HATE how helpless I feel. I just want to make my family happy. I want them to love me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. 💔😢

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