feeling hopeless (my story)

[MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of diseases, self h@rm, and su1c1dality] i’ll start by saying this has been the hardest three months of my life. i’ve had OCD symptoms since i was 12, but they’ve only gotten completely debilitating 3 months ago, when my geneticist looked at my eczema (that runs in my family) and said “this doesn’t look like eczema. this looks abnormal, and more like psoriasis.” so, i went to google, and looked up every type of dermatitis there was. and the only type that actually looked like mine was a type of precancer called large plaque parapsoriasis. and my entire life flipped upside down. first, it was parapsoriasis. then, i spiraled. i started looking up every ache and pain in my body. every bump, every muscle cramp, everything. “just to make sure.” and lo and behold, every single symptom had a reason behind it that was my worst fear. back pain? cancer. leg pain? cancer. sweaty at night? cancer. headache? cancer. dizziness upon standing? cancer. i thought i was losing my mind. i could no longer sleep at night— every time i nearly fell asleep, i woke myself back up. “what if this is the last time you ever fall asleep?” and then… that thought spiraled to other things. “what if this is the last time you ever open the fridge?” “what if this is the last time you ever watch TV?” “what if this is the last time you ever hug your mother?” i became frozen with fear. i began to confuse my worries for intuition, and the thoughts started to become more and more sure. i isolated myself entirely from the outside world, and trapped inside my home is where the compulsions began. i began praying every morning after waking up, and every night before going to bed (i’m agnostic). i began repeating in my head “i do not have cancer, i do not have cancer” at least 10 times each hour… and then it became 10 times each minute. i began trying to find evidence to prove to my brain that i don’t have cancer. i even went through a phase of being afraid of bone cancer, so i’d stop my foot against the floor/bang my arm again the wall with ALL MY MIGHT to see if it fractures or breaks, and when it didn’t, i’d say “could someone with bone cancer do THAT?” it was irrational, but i was desperate— i couldn’t sleep, i couldn’t eat, i was full of dread every waking moment, despite my health getting better and better at every doctors appointment i went to. “they must be missing something… a diagnosis is just a professional opinion, after all.” then… it got better, but it also got worse. my doctor listened to me talk about my horrible health anxiety and said “this is not living. this is no way to live.” and then started me on Lexapro. i made improvements instantly, but they didn’t completely take away the problem— they just stopped the stomach pain that comes with my constant panic attacks. they didn’t stop the obsessive thoughts… those got worse. every tiktok, youtube video, instagram post, song, etc that i got shown on my fyp that had to do with nursing, sickness, hospice care, or anything like that suddenly became a “sign”. a sign from god that i was dying. and that’s where i am now. terrified. tired. depressed. lonely. irritable. trying to pick up the exhausted pieces of the mostly happy person i once was. i’m so tired. i’m going to a psychiatrist in November to be assessed for OCD, as my mom, a few of my mom’s friends (who are all diagnosed with OCD), and my doctor all think i have it. and after joining this community… i finally think they might be right. i’m surprised i’m still here with these symptoms, there were times when i just wanted to give up. if i get diagnosed with OCD, i want to fund research into it someday so that way we can figure out what causes it and catch it early, so nobody ever suffers like i am again. sorry for completely venting here… i hope this didn’t trigger anybody…