Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

Venting

I cannot even be happy meeting someone new because all I think about is if one of my false memories are true and I’ll get arrested or if I’ll finally turn into the monster my harm ocd tells me I am. Everything good that happens is overshadowed by how crappy I feel about myself for having these thoughts. How can I ever get over the false memories or harm ocd when it feels so real? Why would I even have them or why would my mind even go there if it wasn’t real? All I want is to appreciate simple things in life, like going to get a coffee with my boyfriend without feeling I’m going to hurt him 😭. I wish I could reflect fondly on nights I may have had a little too much fun instead of thinking that I did these heinous crimes that now dictate my view of myself. Why can’t I just have normal drunk memories like anyone else? I’m fighting every day and really trying to not engage in compulsions but I feel so outside my body and so exhausted. I don’t even know if that’s good or bad. But I feel “weird.”

Abraham.c

Date posted: 1y

Your not the only one trust me I’m the same way I feel like I’m not in my body anymore is not how I use to be before I was always the fun guy starting the party but ever since this happened my life turned around 😢 I wish I could have an explanation for this but every day is a fight we got these 💪🏽

Abraham.c

Date posted: 1y

Just keep smiling and focus on the present something ocd don’t want you to do bc it looses power over you is hard but trust me just keep on smiling even through your darkest times 😢

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@Abraham.c Thank you. I will keep trying.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

Would you like to share more, want any advice, or talk about something else?

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord I guess I just wish I knew why this was all happening and how if it’s not real, why does it feel so real?

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Catlove9 Maybe it’s like a new perspective you never thought of? Or really grasped. Maybe low self esteem? Also, bon OCD ppl have these same thoughts but they are not concerned with them because they are not swayed by the what if they’re true. They believe they aren’t and or aren’t concerned with the possibility if they are. They believe in themselves. Easier said than done. They feel real because we engage them and latch onto them as if they 100% are. The brain is imaginative and it can imagine every single doubt imaginable (ha) and spin anything for us to doubt ourselves. It’s just how our brains work. We just have to learn to manage them. Kind of like other ppl deal with issues that you or any of us can handle smoothly without a second thought. When we engage these thoughts our alarm system goes off and makes it feel like it’s reality and it’s a threat. Kind of when we watch scary movies. We still get scared and worried but literally all actors and it’s fake BUT we experience symptoms as if we are there.

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord That’s very helpful. The false memories are horrible because it feels like I’ve done these horrible things when I was drunk and I just wish I knew for certain but I do realize I will never know. And I guess the same could be applied to the harm ocd.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Catlove9 Could you elaborate if your comfortable for the harm OCD? I don’t want to sign off on that since I don’t know your experience with harm OCD. Also, alcohol definitely amps up my OCD personally and I know others where it does the same thing

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Sure. With my harm ocd, it comes at me like oh you want to hurt someone or you’re going to. It terrifies me. Sometimes I’ll get the harm ocd urges Where it feels like it’s going to happen. I get so scared.

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@Catlove9 My false memory ocd also has Harm elements. Like “what if I hurt someone when I was drunk and don’t know.” And then it morphs into this elaborate “memory.”

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Catlove9 Ohhh ok! Makes sense. Thank you for sharing. Maybe you can cut back on the drinking til you feel like you are more comfortable with your OCD. But yes it’s still applied

Catlove9

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Yah. I had quit for 2 years and then over the last summer tried again. All it did was spawn two new false memories. So now I’ve gone 2 months without it again and I’m going to keep that going until I’m better with my OCD.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Catlove9 That sounds great. It’s awesome you have a plan

flowerpetals

Date posted: 25w

frustrating

harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.

Harm OCD

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 24w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

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