I don’t want to get better.

I don’t want to get better because I think I can’t get better. Which logically speaking is false but I don’t think logically. I am realizing that have lived with my OCD for so long that I actually love it. Yes, I said it. I love my OCD because if I didn’t, why am I still allowing myself to live with it. My OCD causes me a great deal of suffering but I haven’t lived a normal life in over 20 years. I don’t remember life without OCD. This is something that I working to overcome because I want to live normally again. I am defining “normal” as a daily existence where I don’t believe “numbers”, “wall cracks”, “light flares”, “sounds”, “muscle twitches”, “ear ringings” are all forms of communication from something greater that is driving my life. Telling me what to think, where to go and what to do.

SportySpider

Date posted: 1y

I don't think you love being this way. You probably just find a bit of comfort and meaning in it. You can get better though. The peace you'll find when you finally take this weight off your shoulders is going to be worth it. I used to have similar concerns during my recovery. I had magical thinking OCD so it felt like my thoughts and actions had supernatural weight to them. I guess in a strange way it made me feel special. It wasn't worth all the suffering though. I'm not sure exactly how to advise you, but for me, I had to slowly accept the mundane reality of life. That there was no higher power playing mind games with me. That I had no magical influence over the decisions of others. I grew to appreciate just how little we really control in our lives. It felt freeing to lose that sense of hyper responsibility in every situation.

Waging War A...

Date posted: 1y

This is a normal human reaction. There is actually a terms called “institutionalized”, which is what happens to prisoners after they are confined for a long time. At first they hate prison, then they get used to it, then they eventually don’t know anything else. To the point that they don’t know what to do with themselves when they get out. I once heard a sermon about a man who was in prison for years and then got out and had an incredible life. I think he became a very famous actor if I remember right. They interviewed him much later and asked how he had such an incredible turnaround. He said he never let jail become home - he knew it was not where he belonged, and did not define who he was. Others would decorate their cells, but he never would - b/c he knew it was a temporary stay, that it wasn’t his final destination, and that it did not define him. I definitely get where you are coming from, and have felt the same way. As a Christian, I know that OCD isn’t my true identity. I am child of God, loved by the actual creator of the universe. Even if you are not a Christian, your OCD is not what defines you. You are loved by your family, by your friends, etc. You are not a prisoner of OCD, you just happen to have OCD but it is NOT who you are. You were created in God’s image, and were fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope this gives you hope.

intrusivetho...

Date posted: 1y

@Waging War Against OCD Thank you

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

Decades of OCD..confused about my next steps!!!

I have had ocd for decades! Could I still be cured???? (Of you can call it that?) I have seen different therapists but it never had fully left me...not by any stretch of the imagination. I do want to be free of this ocd and its power over me and all the bad that it brought into my life!!! Some days I am strong and feel like I am fighting it put other days...many days...I don't get things done or if I do I take a long time to-do the things I need to get done. I feel like I know this is just then ocd stopping me and that these are just thoughts but nobody in my family understands and though they have shared my journey and hated it a I do.....it just feels like I want so bad to be the best person I coukd be but I avoid places, people, things, that have any reminder of my ocd.......and so it restricts me from getting better and completing tasks the way I used to. Now UI might go and make 2-3 trips cuz I am worried to shop at a place and therefore it takes my time up. The avoidance I do is bad! When I actually don't listen to my ocd and don't avoid something...I feel great! ,However, it happens so rarely!!! I.dont know how finding a therapist through NOCD will help me. It is not in person and two be honest I almost think I need medicine to push me along. I don't have anybsteady and consistent improvements. However, I don't think I want to be on medication for the rest of my life! I am very confused!

anonymous2580

Date posted: 23w

Does it really get better?

I’ve been dealing with ocd my whole life, and just got diagnosed about a year ago. I feel my days becoming occupied with thoughts, urges, fears and worry that completely debilitate me. It’s getting to the point where i feel like it’s taking over my life. I don’t see this getting any better, even with the therapy and medication I’m on. I’m scared my life will be like this forever, I’m tired. My brain is tired of ruminating every second of every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

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