- Date posted
- 1y
Suicidal ocd/Christianity/Emotions/helplesness
I feel like noone can relate to me... everyone i see talks about having random thoughts at random times, maybe feeling like it and they worryi g about it, while I have this desperate feeling of i cant recover, i dont know how to do it, and then these feelings generate the suicidal thoughts. I try being sarcastic,but i feel more like i want to do it, actually i tried it to say "yes i will do that" to not be afraid of it, and working on losing the fear over it but i noticed im working on making the thoughts true... like im working on liking these suicidal thoughts. Many times i tried this agressive method and i felt like im making myself love the idea to kill myself somehow... and by that more thoughts came like how would i do it and what would i do and it was impossible to handle it. The feelings of i could enjoy these things scares me the most. Its that when i remember "i could do that right now, i feel like it, i just have to choose it" and this self talk makes me really scared that its in me, i could choose it, and when i try to be agressive and say "maybe will do it and i will enjoy it" the thought gets bigger, i move forward and i just entertain it with this.... The thing that its just a choice it scares me so much,cause i know many times im acting on how i feel, so its not that impossible that one day i could act on this. I still work based on emotions not choices,.and when i have these thoughts,it really feels like i could do it. Its the same when you feel like you could hit someone when you feel angry, maybe now you choose that its not good, but if they make you angrier you will do it, i feel the same about these thoughts and thats why im scared. Christians doesnt helped me cause it made me feel more that there is a dark side of me and i can act on this thoughts, its a war betweem good and bad,we born being bad, its in us, so this makes me feel.like im actually bad and this is a part of me what wants to act on the thoughts... again the feeling like i would like it make me spin... Idk how to do erp if this feeling of i want it is so strong, i say "maybe i really want it" and i vet scared that maybe i really want it, or, im not lying, i actually entertaining the thought that yeah i would do it... so then i get scared and avoid thoughts... If i cant even get an answer, it would feel good to hear if someone relates to me cause i feel bad that everyone just has the random thoughts,...