Suicidal ocd/Christianity/Emotions/helplesness

I feel like noone can relate to me... everyone i see talks about having random thoughts at random times, maybe feeling like it and they worryi g about it, while I have this desperate feeling of i cant recover, i dont know how to do it, and then these feelings generate the suicidal thoughts. I try being sarcastic,but i feel more like i want to do it, actually i tried it to say "yes i will do that" to not be afraid of it, and working on losing the fear over it but i noticed im working on making the thoughts true... like im working on liking these suicidal thoughts. Many times i tried this agressive method and i felt like im making myself love the idea to kill myself somehow... and by that more thoughts came like how would i do it and what would i do and it was impossible to handle it. The feelings of i could enjoy these things scares me the most. Its that when i remember "i could do that right now, i feel like it, i just have to choose it" and this self talk makes me really scared that its in me, i could choose it, and when i try to be agressive and say "maybe will do it and i will enjoy it" the thought gets bigger, i move forward and i just entertain it with this.... The thing that its just a choice it scares me so much,cause i know many times im acting on how i feel, so its not that impossible that one day i could act on this. I still work based on emotions not choices,.and when i have these thoughts,it really feels like i could do it. Its the same when you feel like you could hit someone when you feel angry, maybe now you choose that its not good, but if they make you angrier you will do it, i feel the same about these thoughts and thats why im scared. Christians doesnt helped me cause it made me feel more that there is a dark side of me and i can act on this thoughts, its a war betweem good and bad,we born being bad, its in us, so this makes me feel.like im actually bad and this is a part of me what wants to act on the thoughts... again the feeling like i would like it make me spin... Idk how to do erp if this feeling of i want it is so strong, i say "maybe i really want it" and i vet scared that maybe i really want it, or, im not lying, i actually entertaining the thought that yeah i would do it... so then i get scared and avoid thoughts... If i cant even get an answer, it would feel good to hear if someone relates to me cause i feel bad that everyone just has the random thoughts,...

hen7

Date posted: 1y

I’m saying this as a fellow Christian: do not listen to the whole “OCD means there’s something wrong/dark” (or whatever words they use) narrative. Please. This is not helping people with OCD at all and I know they mean well, but they don’t understand what OCD is. It’s a physical problem in the brain, probably combined with genetics and circumstances. The intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, no matter where anyone thinks they originate from. In the end it doesn’t matter. They can not make you do things. Intrusive emotions, intrusive sensations….same thing. They’re just things generated by your body in response to your fear for them. The more afraid you get the more the thoughts, feelings etc. will come up. This is the OCD cycle. First of all: know that exposures are not meant to take your fear away. They are meant to drive UP your fear, so your brain gets the learning experience that even though you’re afraid, we’re not going to do compulsions and then we see that we don’t do anything dangerous. Your compulsions are mentally checking your thoughts and emotions to “make sure” that you don’t like the idea. But: A) The reassurance will NEVER come. Stop trying to get it. B) By doing these compulsions you are making the OCD worse and it will feed you more and more of the thoughts because your brain wants to get rid of the fear. I feel like your exposures are not quite working because you are still compulsing after the “maybe/maybe not” statements - You’re still analysing what happens inside when you say that. Next time a thought comes up, do nothing. No “maybe/maybe not” or “Yes I’m going to do it.” - Ignore the thought completely and make sure you do something that requires a lot of brainpower or something that gets you out of your head, like naming all things that are green around you. Smelling and listening to what’s around you etc. The thoughts and feelings will come up a lot at the start. Keep distracting yourself. Ignore them, pay no attention at all to them. Not because thinking about it is dangerous (it’s not), but because you need to get out of that checking habit. You need to stop the compulsions. At the end of every day, realize that you didn’t harm yourself. That’s all you do: noticing what didn’t happen. Then go on with your evening again. If OCD is especially naggy, tell it: “I’m not going to spend any time on you, OCD. I see you, but I have more important things to do.” You need to starve it. And THEN the fear will go away. Not before, unfortunately. Keep in mind during treatment that “fear is my friend” / “Fear will help me get better” - Again this is another thing Christians often say: “God says that we don’t need to fear.” I don’t think that applies to ERP and OCD. I think God asks us to *act* like we don’t fear. Which is exactly what we’re doing when we do ERP. It’s a choice not to fear, even though we still *feel* it (our emotions are hard to control but can be shaped through our repeated actions). Hoped that helped any.

naytaymo

Date posted: 1y

Hey I am a Christian who has dealt with this in the past would love to talk to this about you. 470-503-5433

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I dont live in usa sorry

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

First,I do know that exposures ment to get my anxiety higher, but when it gets so bad that i know i just would do a compulsion, i know its not good cause im just scaring myself Second, whenever i do that i just cant control myself to not focus on the emotions and thoughts, to act like its not there, cause i get really scared and then im angry why i cant do it the right way and i get hopeless Or i do what you said that i try to do something but that itself becomes a compulsion when i try to focus so much on something that i dont feel the feelings. Like kinda the emotions go away. If i do things with the emotions being there, i just behave like that and the emotions stay cause sooner or later i attach myself to them. Other thing whenever i use agressive method like "yes it is, im going to do it" i feel like im agreeing with them and i say its the reality, i dont say it in a sarcastic way, and then im behaving like the thoughts are true and thats just makes me feel worse about myself, or whenever i say the same thing im afraid that even if it goes away, i will believe what i said, that that is going to happen so in me this belief will stay that that thought is true, im just not afraid of it... Whenever i did react to ocd good, it was when i choosed that its ocd, i started believing it that its ocd and then quickly the thoughts went away and i could laugh at them, i didnt do any compulsion, i just was so tired of it that i got motivated and i guess my emotions changed and they worked for me... but this doesnt happens everytime, i can say i choose that its ocd, and even be sarcastic but if the emotions tell me its dangerous, whatever i do i just end up tired and hopeless... my biggest fear is that even if these thoughts go away it will remain in my mind that those things were true to me cause that was the last thing i said to them...Sarcasm works when my emotions work with me and i believe even just a little that its ocd, but when im fully anxious I just start to feel worse cause im agreeing with them... This is why i feel really bad, its really hard

misereri

Date posted: 19w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

PRIV8

Date posted: 9w

Questioning my faith or ocd

Since I started to accept that maybe some of the problems i deal with might be things that i should accept cause either way I feel shame if i have these thoughts, and i think that being that person is shameful. I'm struggling these days and I noticed I have thoughts about God not being real, not helping me, questioning if its real and these thoughts makes me feel shame. But i keep accepting it cause Im tired that i feel like im lying to myself and everytime i feel like im avoiding the truth, so I try to accept it that its okay that im having these problems(I do the same with suicidal ocd,I start to accept maybe its real) but since im doing this I noticed it makes me depreassed cause of shame. Made things worse, I always spin about shame that it might be true, i try tk accept it but it doesnt work, I feel like maybe i should go back and label every feeling and thought as ocd but i know i wouldnt be free cause i would feel like im trying to make myself feel better... But if its ocd, how can I decide its that if I have the emotions like im losing my faith, I get angry when i hear about faith, sometimes i feel like i really question it, have thoughts like i dont want to have faith...

Religion & Spirituality OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 7w

Religious OCD, ashamed of my thoughts

I am a christian guy who grew up in a christian community and family. For as long as i remember, ive had horrible thoughts about all kinds of things that i dont know where to begin. Due to my extreme thoughts, i feel as if i am unworthy of practicing my religioin, such as praying, reading, meditating, etc. I feel ashamed when i go to church, as if i dont belong there because i feel like i am secretely evil, and that God knows i am evil and i am committing blasphemy by going there, and refusing to "repent", from my thoughts. But then again, my thoughts are just thoughts, sure. So whats the problem? - The problem is that in my faith, i have been taught that we must control our thoughts, so they do not get power over us to make us commit sin. Such as "If you think lustfully about a woman, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart". This verse has killed my self esteem, due to the constant unwanted sexual and disturbing thoughts. It makes me feel like a monster, who secretely just wants to abuse and be horrible to people, even though i know very well i do not want this. Sometimes i think horrible things about the people i love very much, such as my girlfriend. It feels so wrong and evil, even though i know it isnt my true will.

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