REALLY SCARED

Ok so I know this is bad but I was mentally testing myself to see if I would do something that I obsess about. I got this powerful feeling in my chest that felt like a gut feeling mixed with anxiety and I was like “yeah I would probably do that if I was in the situation” and it wasn’t an intrusive thought. but then I was like “that would never happen though” and now I’m like ok why would I feel that way? Ocd doesn’t feel like that usually and why would I react so calmly? Now I’ve been obsessing about ok why would you think that? And now I feel like thinking that is just as bad as doing it I feel so scared. I wasn’t intentionally practicing response prevention.

plock

Date posted: 1y

I find that purposefully thinking about my intrusive thoughts allows me to be more calm than when they're just wildly appearing in my mind. But calm does not equal rational. Your thoughts being more chill about it does not mean those thoughts are reflective of the truth. You having anxiety about if you'd actually do that thing more indicates that you WOULDN'T do that thing if it came to it.

Anon>:

Date posted: 1y

@plock I understand, what really tripped me up is that it felt like a gut feeling similar to the one I get when I feel like I was or was not gonna do something

plock

Date posted: 1y

@Anon:> I wouldn't trust your gut feelings regarding your intrusive thoughts here. Your OCD is very capable of messing with that, even if it felt like your normal gut feelings. I know you hadn't experienced it like this before, but keep in mind that OCD can definitely affect this. I know it's hard to think that it wasn't your true intuition about it since it felt like other legit feelings you've had. I've struggled with the same thing and it's always just my OCD taking a more subtle form to terrorize and try to convince me. It doesn't mean it's a real gut feeling!!! Trust me.

Anon>:

Date posted: 1y

@plock Thank you I just am worried because i believed it for a little bit and I’m worried that because I believed it, ir would play out because it would become my beliefs

plock

Date posted: 1y

@Anon:> Nah, that's not how that works :) Just because you think you can do something doesn't mean that you actually will. It's easy to think things, wayyy harder to actually do things. I would try to put trust in yourself that you won't actually do these things, because OCD specifically chooses things not reflective of our actual behaviors and personality. You're afraid of these thoughts because they're not things you would want to do, and it takes actual conviction to go through with actions. You wouldn't do those things even if you believed you could. But I wouldn't try to run away from these feelings you have. Logic might make you temporarily feel relief but it'll come back. The only way to treat OCD is to embrace the thoughts and desensitize yourself to them. Trust that you won't actually do those things, trust that it takes a lot more than just belief in yourself to do those things, and let the thoughts come. https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-violent-obsessions/ I don't know what your specific obsession is, but this paper on treating harm ocd has some good examples on types of exercises you could model your own after.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

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