I have really bad HIV OCD. I had a really low risk "hiv exposure" when I was a kid (16 or 17) with my high school boyfriend. This was 7 years ago and I've taken 2 BioSURE HIV tests since then and both were negative, but I just cannot accept it. Anytime anyone I know gets ill I think it's because I've passed on hiv to them somehow, and it's worse with my brother as we used to rough and tumble all the time as kids/teens. I'm back in that place where everything feels dark and I'm riddled with guilt and anxiety.

I noticed I’ve been posting a lot these past few weeks. I just hate my brain and been having a lot of ocd I’m very picky who I’m intimate with. I also have a strong fear of stds/hiv very heavily. I am afraid of lots of things but I can’t live in fear so I decided to engage in intimacy last night. (TMI) I thought the condom popped, but when he showed me it was closed and sealed but my ocd brain is thinking some of it ripped. Now I know that you have to expose yourself to situations that threaten you. I also noticed that I beat myself up heavy when I do an exposure and im still paranoid and then become grateful I’m so tired of my brain and not being able to enjoy anything sometimes: I sometimes feel like leaving this earth.

I’m new to this page and have been experiencing some thoughts which I think can be associated with health anxiety or OCD I recently participated in sexual intercourse with someone and I can’t get the thought out of my head that I contracted an STD The one night stand was about 7 weeks ago and it was “protected” however, I can’t shake the thought that I have and STD/HIV I’ve tested 4 times since the encounter and they’ve all come back negative however every time you read something on the internet it says you may have tested too soon! Now I find myself wondering if I have bad results. Also, I find myself wondering if every physical aliment I feel is related to an std that hasn’t shown yet. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.