Does anyone get random thoughts of stupid drunken nights and cringe and worry that more happened or that you did something you shouldn’t have? I randomly got a flashback of this night where I was drinking and I remember talking to someone and now I’m worried “what if I inappropriately touched them?” And now I’m spiraling.
100 percent. Life is all about risk. The idea that you know anything for certain is an illusion. And I get it. It’s hard every time. I started reading a book called the self-compassionate workbook for OCD. The author’s mantra is, “today is a beautiful day to do hard things” and I just love that because it captures the brutality of what we do, but it’s also overflowing with love. To embrace scary things feels so wrong and goes against every evolutionary instinct, but it’s the only way, and you can do it and be kind, compassionate, loving and understanding toward yourself.
@adtappsy Do you also have OCD or are you just studying to treat it?
@Catlove9 I also have it. Moral scrupulosity, harm OCD, relationship OCD, pedophile OCD. And then the weird ones that aren’t as easy to categorize, like the need to complete, where I feel like I have to eat and drink things really fast, research things repeatedly or keep sharing funny thoughts or ideas if I have more to say, until the other person tells me to stop talking. Once I discovered ERP and how amazing and empowering it feels to look your fear in the face and not flinch, I wanted to work to help other ppl who are struggling experience the same thing and take back their lives from this thing.
@adtappsy Wow this is incredible! I have some of those harder to categorize ones as well. Harm OCD has been the hardest but false memory is right up there with it. And my theme can shift minute to minute. The hardest part is when it feels like I “want” these thoughts. It makes me sick to my stomach. I’ll be 36 tomorrow and I’ve had OCD probably since I was 4 or maybe 6. It really ramped up at 31 when I got Harm OCD after a horrible false memory LOL. since then it’s been pretty bad on and off. I can conceptually understand how to treat this but I’m struggling to just let go and not pay it attention. It pulls me back in.
Yes, it's awful.
@Anonymous It’s making me feel like this awful, disgusting person.
Maybe you did touch them inappropriately. If you can’t remember, then it’s entirely possible and you might never know for sure. Lean into that fear. What does it say about you that you did something like that? What’s going to happen because of it? OCD thrives when you try to avoid the scary thought or seek reassurance for it. Accept it and embrace it.
@adtappsy It would make me hate myself if that happened 😔
@Catlove9 And I’d feel awful for causing anyone pain or being uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want to ever do that 😭
@adtappsy But you’re right. I need to stand up to my OCD and accept the uncertainty and keep moving forward. I’ve been doing better with it but then I get these random thoughts.
@Catlove9 Good, lean into that feeling. Try to remember what happened that night, listen to whatever terrible thing OCD says about you and embrace it. If OCD says the other person hates you for what you did, say, okay, and then what happens? They tell my family and they are all ashamed of me? Okay, and then what? Just keep going down the rabbit hole and don’t fight it. It’s going to be very distressing and you want to continue to spike your anxiety. What happens is that the anxiety cannot last, so it starts to drop on its own. But it’s tricky because you can’t go into it expecting it to get better, you have to embrace that everything is terrible and will never get better. That’s when it starts to get better. If this is your first time doing something like this, I would recommend finding a therapist trained in this form of therapy called exposure and response prevention. The goal is to intentionally spike your own anxiety as high as you can without engaging in your compulsion and then letting your anxiety come back down. I sobbed during my first exposure. It’s really hard, but every time gets easier.
@adtappsy I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate you taking the time to write this out. I’ve done ERP, but the way you explained it makes more sense than I’ve seen before. It’s funny because I ALWAYS go into it with the goal of resolving the anxiety, which is wrong. So I guess I just need to be terrified and let it sit there.
@Catlove9 I’m so glad! I’m getting my masters in clinical mental health counseling and I’m currently working as a behavior specialist, who ended up unofficially specializing in OCD after I did an intensive training on it, so this is definitely where my passion lies. Yeah, if you are trying to fix it, OCD will always call your bluff. “You’re only doing this cuz you think it’s gonna help. But it’s not.” That kind of thing. I just double down again. “You’re right, OCD. It’s never gonna work and I’m gonna feel like this forever” but really accept that, embrace the uncertainty, like, maybe you’re the first person who this isn’t going to work for, maybe you found the one intrusive thought that doesn’t go away when you do this. This is your new life, feeling like this forever. That’s when it gets better. You can do this! Or maybe you can’t? 😏
@adtappsy Wow! This is super helpful! You’re basically speaking exactly what I go through. These are all the thoughts I constantly have.
@Catlove9 I’m so glad :) OCD is relentless and will jump on any weakness you show. So, don’t fight it. You touched somebody inappropriately and you’re a terrible person and you know it and everybody knows it and there’s nothing you can do about it. The other person will never forgive you. God will never forgive you (idk if you’re religious), and yet you have to live your life anyway. At the training this woman told us that she kept having intrusive thoughts about hurting herself and others with knives, so her therapist had her bring knives into sessions and got to the point where the therapist was laying on the ground and had the client hold one of the blades to her throat and then describe what it would be like slicing her jugular and blood going everywhere etc. Kind of extreme, but OCD is extreme and it worked. She is no longer afraid of that and when she gets the intrusive thoughts, she knows how to respond. She said she invited her therapist to her wedding and she gave her a box of knives as a gift. What an absolute savage.
Haha that is savage. I also do suffer with harm ocd. I do try to ride the wave but when it comes in and is so terrifying, it feels like something bad is going to happen. But I guess that’s where I need to take the risk.
Without trying to seek reassurance, I’m wondering if anyone has insight on identifying an intrusive thought vs reality. Something that’s always really helped ground me in moments of false memory ocd is clearly remembering the exact moment the thought arose and how it started as “what if I cheated and don’t remember.” Then the images come and are extremely distressing, but I’ve always found some comfort in coming back to that moment of “this started as what if.” It feels like my brain is almost getting more creative with the thoughts now, and I’ve been having probably the worst anxiety of my life the past couple months after another intrusive thought entered my mind. I woke up after a night drinking and thought to myself “did you kiss your friend and don’t remember?” (Didn’t happen, undeniably proved). The rest of the day I stayed anxious about other things I could have done and poured over all my memories of the night. Then the next day I finally had found some peace based on all the evidence from my friends who were with me that nothing bad happened. I then thought “what about when you went to the bathroom,” which I hadn’t really been thinking about before, and then my mind immediately started flashing with images of me performing sex acts in the bathroom with some person who has no name, face, details, or anything I remember about interacting with them. I think I’m just concerned that this was a moment of genuine memory recall since I hadn’t been thinking about the bathroom before, and it was more of a sudden flash of images and “did you do that” vs “what if you did that.” I’m wondering how others are able to identify that something is an intrusive thought vs reality.
Basically when I was drunk I was flirting with this guy I usual flirt with he was telling me that nothing could happen because he’s friends with my cousin, so I got really close to him and said oh resllr so you don’t want me, and I can’t remember what he said but I then kissed his like cheek or near his ear to like flirt with him and I’ve convinced myself because he said he couldn’t that basically I’ve harassed him. I left him alone after we’d finished talking but I’m so worried that me sorta going are you sure to him because he kept saying “maybe one day but right now I can’t” and saying “it’s not that I don’t want to” But I’m really scared that I’ve done something wrong. I keep picturing me kissing his cheek and him going like ugh fuck off when I don’t think that happened? I just have the worst anxiety around it right now
18+ so, i just had this memory pop back into my head after suppressing it and now I’m obsessing over it and cant suppress it, it feels so weird that i dont think i can even tell my therapist. so a few years ago, i was high, and laying in bed and my dog was laying in front of my face back to me and i kissed his back like mimicking making out, and dont get me wrong this is not a zocd concern it was not attraction im not worried that i touched him sexually im just really weirded out by that memory like someone gauge how weird and immoral that is for me and like i was not a kid, i was an adult its freaking me out like??? tf i do not know how i manage to suppress shit like this like i didnt think it was weird when i was high and i think i remember waking up spiraling about it and then decided to shut it down bcs i had what felt like bigger ocd shit fish to fry and it just popped back up and im spiraling
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