- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It is worth it, my friend. Even if you don’t believe it yet, there is hope and you can come through this. You’ve come too far to give up now. Just hold on❤️
You know, this ocd is crazy. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed but I think I have pure o, it’s literally been the worst year of my life. First it was harm ocd, then now it’s hocd. The worst most painful thing of my life. Like some one said, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It’s crazy how powerful our mind is. It’s really scary. We’ll have to be okay, and we will be. You’re not alone, no one here is.
I’m going through HOCD and it sucks, I know! But I’ve also been through Harm OCD and it felt just as real as this. I used to pray for God to kill me and promise to myself I’d just kill myself if it didn’t end after three years. With a lot of ERP work though, I got over my Harm OCD completely. And let me tell you, I’m so glad I didn’t hurt myself. OCD SUCKS, but it has also pushed me so far out of my comfort zone, in bad ways and good ways. It pushed me to fight my fears and study abroad, and to become a sorority recruitment counselor, two of the best experiences of my life thus far. It sucks, but dying isn’t the answer. As crazy as it sounds, there are good sides to OCD, too. It makes you motivated and driven, and surprisingly more like to do things that make you uncomfortable. You’ll have bad days and good days and great days. But please believe me when I say the worst day with OCD is still a million times better than any day dead. What helped me most with HOCD was when my therapist said, “you don’t have to know your sexuality until the end of your senior year of college.” I’m feeling so much better now! You will, too! Postpone your worry for a year because you’re not in the right frame of mind to figure it out. Sending prayers your way!
I understand the fatigue ocd can bring. Find a professional to help you- it may be a long process and the first one or two may not be a good fit for you but keep going. Find a counselor at your school, college or in your community if you need a place to start looking for help. I don’t suggest any religious counselors as black and white thinking may make symptoms worse. Get to someone who specializes in ocd or at least anxiety in the meantime
Thank you all so much. It's awesome to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes it's hard to keep bottling everything, it's just too much going on in my mind. I just wish life was more simple, that I wasn't an overthinker, and that the future I want, by the side of a man, wasn't so uncertain. What ifs flood my mind 24/7.
There will be times of relief that make it all worth it- you will manage and recover with the right help!!!
I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.
I’ve honestly given up at this point. I mean, there’s just no way around this. I went to therapy. I’ve been on medication for 8 months. Yet, this topic is still the core of my thoughts every. single. day. It seems like I’m fighting something that’s true about myself. And, maybe acceptance will be the first major step to feeling better. Idk. I feel like maybe I’ve been bi my whole life, but was just focused on guys and now it’s developed into both if that makes sense. Like maybe it was always in me, but I didn’t realize until now. So many bi people talk about this. They talk about feeling ashamed (me too) and always liking one sex before and then it changed. I know I have OCD, but, I’m not sure that this is a subset I have anymore. Everything is too real. I’ll miss the way I was before, but maybe I was never that girl before. It’s time to just accept I guess. No matter how heartbreaking it is.
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
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