- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It is worth it, my friend. Even if you don’t believe it yet, there is hope and you can come through this. You’ve come too far to give up now. Just hold on❤️
You know, this ocd is crazy. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed but I think I have pure o, it’s literally been the worst year of my life. First it was harm ocd, then now it’s hocd. The worst most painful thing of my life. Like some one said, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It’s crazy how powerful our mind is. It’s really scary. We’ll have to be okay, and we will be. You’re not alone, no one here is.
I’m going through HOCD and it sucks, I know! But I’ve also been through Harm OCD and it felt just as real as this. I used to pray for God to kill me and promise to myself I’d just kill myself if it didn’t end after three years. With a lot of ERP work though, I got over my Harm OCD completely. And let me tell you, I’m so glad I didn’t hurt myself. OCD SUCKS, but it has also pushed me so far out of my comfort zone, in bad ways and good ways. It pushed me to fight my fears and study abroad, and to become a sorority recruitment counselor, two of the best experiences of my life thus far. It sucks, but dying isn’t the answer. As crazy as it sounds, there are good sides to OCD, too. It makes you motivated and driven, and surprisingly more like to do things that make you uncomfortable. You’ll have bad days and good days and great days. But please believe me when I say the worst day with OCD is still a million times better than any day dead. What helped me most with HOCD was when my therapist said, “you don’t have to know your sexuality until the end of your senior year of college.” I’m feeling so much better now! You will, too! Postpone your worry for a year because you’re not in the right frame of mind to figure it out. Sending prayers your way!
I understand the fatigue ocd can bring. Find a professional to help you- it may be a long process and the first one or two may not be a good fit for you but keep going. Find a counselor at your school, college or in your community if you need a place to start looking for help. I don’t suggest any religious counselors as black and white thinking may make symptoms worse. Get to someone who specializes in ocd or at least anxiety in the meantime
Thank you all so much. It's awesome to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes it's hard to keep bottling everything, it's just too much going on in my mind. I just wish life was more simple, that I wasn't an overthinker, and that the future I want, by the side of a man, wasn't so uncertain. What ifs flood my mind 24/7.
There will be times of relief that make it all worth it- you will manage and recover with the right help!!!
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
I'm feeling awful. This simply can't be true. If I was in fact bi I'd feel good because of it, but I don't. I actually feel dread by this thought. I don't have any will in being with a woman. Today my childhood friend that I lost contact with told me she's bi. This triggered me so much, got all these images on my mind. I just want to be free from these thoughts, I don't want to keep wondering if I want to be with women, this messes me up so much. I don't want to keep asking myself if this is really hocd or denial or internalized homophobia. I can't deal with this anymore.
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