- Date posted
- 1y
Feeling alone
I have been sick lately with what I think could be bronchitis or something but I can’t afford to go to the doctor, and in times I’m sick or sad my grandma and my mom are two very different people (I’m 24 work full time and in college full time staying at home) My mom when I’m sick ignores me, gets mad at me, won’t ask me if I’m ok or if I need anything, does not support me and makes me feel worse than I already feel by making me feel hopeless and alone. I had told my grandma who stays downstairs in our house that I hadn’t eaten all day yesterday because I was upstairs asleep and she said I should of let her know so that way I didn’t have to be alone and could have support while I’m sick and she would have made me something to eat and put it by the door or something so I could eat (which I’m capable of making it on my own and the just the idea that she would of been there for me) Needless to say I don’t want to live here. My mom has always been emotionally distanced or detached whenever I tell her I’m upset, sick, mad or whatever she just gets so pissed off to the point of telling me I’m passive aggressively blaming her or it’s all in my head or threatens me, and so on. I can’t afford to live on my own but it hurts to feel like my mom hates me and I really do think she does because I refuse to ever have children one day and them feel the way I have felt my entire life. I feel like giving up when this happens because I feel like I’m alone and have no one who even cares. Just the idea of my mom hating me makes me just done. I wish I could get out but I’m stuck and I don’t want to leave my grandma and my cats too (which only me and my grandma take care of she doesn’t even get their food or give them water or litter). My mom has helped me money wise but it always comes back up in some way. Anytime I do anything for her comes back in an argument. One time I worked really hard to get everything cleaned in the house for her so her boyfriend could stay with us and she said it looked like nothing got done and she would just do it herself which hurt my feelings so much. Another time that really hurt my feelings is when I told her about the ocd and all it entailed especially a certain theme that has hurt me so much, she didn’t believe that I had ocd, she told me my room was a mess so their was no way I had ocd because she had clients that have ocd, and would continue to call me horrible names that were very triggering and hurtful. I told her I wanted therapy because I felt like I needed help she told me that I didn’t need it and then when my dad had cancer she supported him and told him that he could get a therapist which I understand and I miss my dad so so much because he supported me more than anyone, but I was so sad because I told her I needed therapy and she just didn’t care so I eventually got a therapist all by myself through NOCD and got diagnosed so now whenever I have a bad day she just tells me it’s “my ocd” or it’s “all in my head” so I don’t talk to her about it anymore and I wish I never did. I’m sorry to rant about all this but it has been weighing heavily on my heart and I have no one to talk to. I just really needed to get it out 💔