Trigger warning re: the thing past depression.

I couldn’t think of a title that wouldn’t be triggering, because even the word itself can echo into intrusive thoughts quite quickly. I want to talk about a difficult subject: suicide. PLEASE NOTE: I don’t want to harm myself. I do, however, have mild-to-extreme intrusive thoughts about it (which my psych agrees I can distinguish from non-intrusive suicidality). But off and on, and especially lately, my disorders (OCD-PO, ADHD-C, KLS) have affected my daily and long-term life to the point that I have more thoughts pushing me to beg and pray not to live. To have something happen to me in the dangerous city I live in. Stuff like that. (I don’t know the rules here enough to provide examples.) I could say so much more, but I fear the context might be endless. I feel that the harder I’ve worked on myself, and on life, and on what I’ve learned and been taught from experts and practitioners, the further away I’ve become from being a functional human being. I am depressed sometimes - but it’s now been determined to be a symptom, not a root cause. In my early to mid 20s my treatment focused almost entirely on it - and so I have skills to keep it at bay. But I feel like it really doesn’t change the reality: that I have exhausted my options and resources and that I will most likely be homeless unless I can find (or magically afford) more specialized treatment. My sleep disorder rules my life, and that’s mixed with ADHD to form a straight up oxidizer for the fuel that pushes my OCD. I have gone past anger, past frustration, past anxiety. I am now just afraid.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Wishing the best for you. I too feel bad. I don't like the thought of su1c1d3, but I also sometimes don't want to keep living either, and I feel I'm getting less motivation to as time goes on, and the idea of death has entered into my prayers a lot, not to get too in-detail. My family doesn't have much money. Not enough for me. I've always been a high-costing person, having allergies and asthma, and now OCD

oldin

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Wishing the best for you too. I am sorry that you experience that but am thankful that you’ve shared and seem to understand. Since you bring up family… I feel a lot of guilt myself for feeling like more of a burden than others. I also of course know that losing a family member is painful and horrible, but I struggle sometimes to keep from wondering which is worse. I know it’s illogical - I know that they would each prefer the stress of feeling bad themselves for not being able to help me. It’s kept me from talking to them before and pretending to be A-okay but I’m trying to work on it or find a balance.

oldin

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I can’t add newlines to split into paragraphs on the ipad version of this app…. but since it was a spun off topic I’m replying separately to say, go team allergies and asthma. Lol.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@oldin I feel guilt about "being a burden" too. I'm not gonna lie to you, it might be true that you and I are more costly than others, but that doesn't mean we're "burdens", and just about anyone will tell you that. But honestly I didn't fully grasp what you said after the thing about guilt, it sounds like it has to do something with su1c1d3 if I'm not mistaken, but maybe if you rephrase it I might understand better, but that's up to you -- either way I get that it's hard. And that's really weird about the ipad thing. I can add new lines in these posts on the android phone version -- but some places like the therapist chat I can't for some reason, the button just sends the message. But I've noticed if I type the message in another app and copy and paste it, it will keep all of the enter spaces in the areas I can't normally do that, just a little tip for ya

carrotroot12

Date posted: 16w

Rant (all over the place)

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 16w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

beloiter

Date posted: 15w

how do i survive this?

i want to get this out of the way; i’m not suicidal. i’m a 17 y/o guy whose been living with OCD for what i assume is most of my life despite only getting the diagnoses last year. i’ve been hustling on despite my mental health really consuming my life to moments in time where i question my sanity and self control. it’s the lack of control that really kills me with this disorder. each day i wake up, it’s the same persistent reminders; it’s the same meaningless conversations replaying; it’s the same small rituals that just barely let me breathe before the thoughts return. nothing i do is gonna stop that unbearable monogamy where i have to sit back and let my eyes be peeled open; i don’t know how to live with that. no pill has worked on me, and any response i give the thoughts just make them worse. right now i’m trying to just sit through it and not care. don’t let it effect me emotionally; try not to feel the discomfort. then it starts to manifest into physical pain where i feel the bones of my chest have this pressure—like staples entering them at the rhythm of a heart beat. i’m getting though this, but i’m not enjoying my life when doing so. i don’t know if i have a future where it isn’t just this repeating through the process of each day. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life avoiding the one thing i’m supposed to have control over. i also don’t want to drown my days in self medicating or get addicted doing so—like i already am. i don’t see the way to make this life of mine work, especially given how much i don’t have to do deal with at my age. of course that will come to. look, i’m not at risk; i really don’t want in anyway to die despite being basically hopeless. i’m numb to the pain of it, i don’t feel anything in my desire to escape these cycles, i just need an out. i’m not seeing a way to move forward. i’m willing to hear anything.

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Trigger warning re: the thing past depression.

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