Deserved Guilt (18+)

As someone who can relate to what you're going through more than you know, I hope to offer some advice. The fact that you're beating yourself up 4 years later is a symptom of OCD. We can't receive forgiveness and grace, it's not possible. Until you stop replaying and reliving the event from the past in your mind, you'll never begin to heal and will never be able to move forward. Life is full of mistakes, they should make us better as we learn from them, not tear us down. I'm sure there's a lot going on here you're not telling us, but your gf is correct, you've suffered enough.

Thank you so much for your comment and advice! I know I need to stop digging into it, but the guilt I feel after a few days of trying to be ok can be crushing. I guess one of the things I worry about also is that when I come here, there ARE some things I haven’t talked about, and that makes me fear that the people here don’t understand the severity of my actions and are offering me too much sympathy/empathy. I’ve posted my main event here a couple times and got 0 comments, which solidified the idea in my head that none of these thoughts are OCD and this is how anyone would feel if they did what I did. It made me start spiraling and thinking people on here were as disgusted with me as I am with myself. I know that’s compulsive and not helpful, but it’s so hard to resist in my lowest moments. Thank you so much for listening to me and talking with me <3 I hope you’re having a great day :)

Those people online are saying that more for themselves than for you. Punishment ("I deserve to feel bad forever, I don't deserve love") generates pain and doesn't actually help people grow or learn. Think about it: your gf is saying it's time to move on. The person you hurt wants you to move on... And in your actions, you're acting like her opinion (when she was the one hurt presumably, unless this happened in a different relationship) is less than the opinion of people who aren't her. When someone is full of pain, they don't have the mental space to learn and think clearly. Everything goes through the pain filter. You holding onto this idea of deserved guilt is literally preventing you from growing from whatever it is that you have done. OCD extremely has you in it'd clutches right now. I don't feel like you actually believe that you deserve punishment forever because if you did, you wouldn't be seeking help right now. You need to advocate for yourself internally, because it sounds like you want to but are too scared to admit that.

Whatever you did, what’s important is that you apologize and take whatever steps are needed to not repeat the action. And if the person you hurt has told you it’s time to let go, you’re now just hurting yourself, and you as a person deserve peace and self-love just like every other person on this planet. Your mistakes aren’t you. The only thing you accomplish by continuing to beat yourself up is abusing someone who doesn’t deserve that treatment.

Forgive yourself