It's all different, everything. Don't know who I am, what I am, why I am. I don't believe I'm capable of having relationships with people. There's just no purpose for me.
You're not alone in feeling that way. I hope things get better for us
I feel like I need people in my life who understand what I'm going through. It's like family and everyone and everything around me just goes on normally and I'm just a spectator or something. Ever feel that way?
I completely empathize of what you’re going through. Hopefully what I say is not reassurance, however, just hear me out. I drank for over 13 years. I kept suppressing my emotions and traumas. I thought that the alcohol would help me be more confident and popular with people, extroverted. I recently am three months, sober, and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I am, and I don’t know what’s the future for me. However, be that as it may, I feel that I could become whatever I wanna be. Actually trying to find myself and the people that care about me will also come with. I get that right now it’s daunting and you’re nervous with anxiety, however, you deserve to find who you are and also, find out what you want to be now. And believe me you will because when I was a drunk and loser, I lost my family, I lost my girlfriend, and worst of all I lost myself, and now people are proud of me, and I got my family back.and I’m so grateful for it every day. I have faith you can do and also that you mean more. You are stronger than you think and you deserve to give yourself more credit. May God bless you.
Thanks for your kind encouraging words!
It’s good you don’t have a label to use of who you are. You are a feeling, caring, viable human being who is working on living a full life. You just are, that is why, that is enough. Right now you think you can’t have relationships, but that will change too. It’s hard work, I won’t say that. Your purpose is to learn, grow, help yourself and others and live life fully, to do so, you must have trust in yourself and give yourself permission to feel bad/sad from time to time. Life is none stop uncertainties. There is only awakening to the fact that you do your best each day. You have more power than you think you do. You choose each day how you react or don’t react. Observing is just fine, observe your presence by just keeping quiet and still so you can ground yourself and recharge. It is easy to get lost in this world, with all the noise (tv, text, email, social media, car horns, traffic, work/school demands, family issues, friendship issues and more). Take time out for yourself. Regroup, go somewhere like beach, quiet room, earplugs, aromatherapy, bath, book, nap, yoga, observe nature etc. This will enable to reset and focus on what matters and what is working, what is comforting, what helps, why you need time for yourself, which is a gift to yourself. Hope that helps.❤️
It does, thanks!
I'm sorry. I've felt like this before
My body has done weird things during interactions and sometimes it feels like the movements came from me, like I controlled them. It’s freaking terrifying. Sometimes I believe I’ve gone psycho. I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. Maybe I should just accept that I’m a danger to society.
This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday
I don’t even say I have OCD anymore because it feels like I’m lying. Maybe this isn’t about OCD anymore and is about accountability instead. Accountability for how twisted and sick I am. Sometimes I force myself to admit that it’s not OCD and that I’m just dark and twisted and need to protect the world from me. I mean god this feels too real to be OCD. Sometimes I look back at my memory and wonder if I did certain stuff on purpose and ask myself who could do stuff like this? Everyone says it’s OCD but it feels too real. I have a gut feeling that I’m a deviant psycho. I want to be gone.
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