I said something and the word I used came across so wrong, and now I can’t stop shouting at myself that im a disgusting horrible gross human being and that I really fucked up and that I should crawl under a rock and perish. When I DIDNT EVEN MESN IT THE WAY J BRAIN IS TELLING ME I SAID IT! Idk if that makes sense but I’m really stressing myself out and I wanna forget about it but I CANT
What was it?
@Someone99 Was literally about using the word “it” wrong within the context of the conversation as it sounded like I called a person “it” when I meant “it all” like “look at it all” but my brain didn’t think about that until it was too late even though nobody thought the same thing I did and I know I’m just overthinking it. I can’t be a horrible person so it attacks everything
@Ruminationstation It's good that you recognize it's OCD and not you. This way you can separate the thought. I like to imagine putting the thought on a table in front of me, then just letting it sit there, don't yell at it, don't try to explain it, don't react to it at all, maybe get to the point where you stick your tongue out at it and give it the middle finger. It's a pest who shows up unwelcome, just allow it to pass. Now, that being said, there's a healthy place for this type of self reflection. We say or do something we feel bad about, apologize if we need to, ask forgiveness of we need to, and move forward as a better, more apathetic, compassionate person, as you are. :-)
I do this all the time!
@Godsgood Thank god I’m not alone, it’s like sometimes it sounds different in my head and then when it comes out that’s not what I meant at all!! And now I’m cared I’m the worst person on the planet
@Ruminationstation It's not about what you said or say. It's the reaction after and he continued ruminating about it. This is what we can work on to manage our thoughts in a healthy way. Are you able to speak with an OCD therapist?
@Someone99 I’ve noticed I do this, like someone can say something and then carry on with their lives but with my ocd I just can’t, I do ruminate and ruminate and call myself horrible things. I talked to my sister about it and she said “no don’t worry it didn’t come across as mean at all and he didn’t take it any way” but it’s like I still keep thinking about it. Unfortunately I can’t, I don’t have the money to do so and I’ve tried normal therapy (I live in the uk and there’s a place where you can get 6 sessions for free) but after the 6th session I just don’t change and can’t. I want to have healthy thoughts because rn I feel horrible
@Ruminationstation See my reply to the comment above. You can begin a process of retraining your thought patterns. It has to begin with learning a new way to respond to these pesty thoughts that cause us to ruminate, otherwise it's just another compulsion. When you begin to succeed, you'll actually experience a feeling I described as sober. At that point I was able to begin to restore healthy, positive self talk, including prayer, Bible reading, and worship, which for me was what I missed most. I'd love to help you anyway I can.
@Ruminationstation yess same, but no don’t let your mind think negatively about it
I’ve been doing okay, I’ve been a bit emotionally numb honestly. I’m stressed, tired, and just ugh. I was talking to my bf about exs and he was making a joke. An immediate comeback came into my head and for a second it felt fine. I was smirking. I felt like I was about to say this. It was a terribly mean thing that attacks things he’s told me in confidence that he’s insecure about. A comment comparing him to an ex. He saw when it hit me because I was genuinely too shocked for it to not be apparent. I had such a strong urge to confess, but I couldn’t because it was *so mean*. He’s been numb too and we honestly seem to hate each other in a loving way, and that’s somehow comforting. So, he pushed me to confess out of curiosity. I ended up telling him. He didn’t care but I’m still in so much distress. Had it been a moment where he wasn’t apathetic, had it been then and I spoke without thinking, I’m sure he would’ve cared, I know it would’ve hurt him. I feel so shocked at the cruelty my mind creates. I don’t even know if this was intrusive because I energized and felt good until a few seconds later when it felt like I got ice water thrown at me from the shock. I genuinely could’ve said this and I know there’s no point in dwelling on it now but it’s still so scary. I can’t seem to breathe properly right now. I feel so panicked. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost a week. My brain is a bully. I don’t want it to be apart of me. I feel so awful for having that thought and I feel like I’m drowning.
hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.
I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.
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