OCD while cooking

Trigger warning ⚠️ , Hi, I’m Anna, I’m a young adult in my senior year of high-school. I’m not sure what subtype of ocd this may be but my obsession changes, usually one lasts 3 months- a year and it’s been like this since I was a small child. For example it used to be an obsession over sweat, then over religion, then over getting ill. Now it’s strange, very strange but I’m afraid of my dad slipping something into my food. We have a rocky relationship and in arguments he’ll sometimes makes comments that scare me like “we should all 0ff 0urselves” or that he wants us “dead”. I also smoke pot time to time and he doesn’t approve and I’ve had this strange fear of him slipping me something stronger to “teach me a lesson” after I eat anything of his if I absolutely have too I wait an 15-60 minutes and look for any signs of illness or a high. It’s exhausting because he mainly cooks in the house and I’ve lost 5lbs this week due to this fear..it’s consuming me and may be my most exhausting obsession yet.

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

I have contamination ocd, and one of my compulsions is avoiding eating non-cooked food prepared by other people. I had a session with my family to plan accommodation reduction two months ago, and this compulsion was on there but we decided to focus on other accommodations first. Tonight my mom made fresh food (totally fine), but acted very offended and angry when I couldn’t eat it. I get where she’s coming from, she worked hard on the meal and it sucks that I couldn’t make myself eat it. But it also sucks that she knows this is a compulsion and can’t be understanding. Maybe I need to explain this compulsion to her better? In the family session we talked about the compulsion but not about the specific underlying obsessive thought (today my mom specifically said that I had to explain why I wasn’t eating and I didn’t). I’m really sad that OCD is affecting my relationship with her in this way.