I feel sick

I have this strong yearning to tell my mother all my thoughts and what I go through on a daily basis but then I get scared of what she'll think of me or that she'll worry even more and feel like it's her fault. I just want someone to understand what im going through but whenever I even begin to explain my thoughts to my therapist, she doesn't really get it and today it feels like no one ever will. like I try to make my therapist understand and bless her heart, she's super compassionate and understands how much pain it causes me but beyond that, it still feels like im not able to fully convey it. I'm sure this is something many people can relate to, but still. I feel alone.

Just feel like getting it off my chest since I was little I always felt like my mom was my enemy like she was always competing with me and was always boy thirsty she never really focused on me although it was always me and her because I would never rly see my dad since they weren’t together I feel as if she was never really their it was alway other people taking care of me not her and I hold a lot of resentment towards her because I feel like she try’s to play this role of innocent mom whos kid hates her for no reason but that could be farther frm the truth she would always just focus on her bfs and whenever she would fight with them she would take it out on me or if she would see them making a bond with me she would also get mad the other day too I had memories of when I was 8-9 she would take me to her friends house who had two boys 10-11 and I remember we would always play ruff but their would be times where I remember they would bend me over and hump me and I never said anything I also remembered this one time she took me with this random lady and I only went that one time but I recall a boy who looked to be 13 like a teenager he told me to go under the bed and at the time I was very little like probably no more then 7 and I rember he started touching me and kissing me I never got rapid or anything tho but very touchy and I was telling my bf about it and I started crying because I hadn’t thought abt those things since years ago and now that I remembered I can’t forget and no one knew because I never told anyone but my bf just comforted me and hugged me but it makes me really sad and I know my mom wouldn’t care if I told her she also has kicked me out about 8 times already and we even had a cps case which she still blames me for although it was her fault and she also always does stuff just to upset me on purpose she also made fun of me bien suicidal and would joke about it with anyone she could get the chance too theirs a lot more that I could talk about for hours but this is already very long point is I hold so much anger and resentment towards her and if I’m being completely transparent I truly can say I hate her I feel so bad about it because in the end she is my mom but I can’t forgive her for the stuff she’s done to me and the stuff I’ve had to go through because of her I wish I could fix our relationship but at the same time I feel hopeless and like theirs no fixing it

I don't know what to do .I don't know if my therapist knows about intrusive thoughts..I want to tell them and see what she says.I told her some of my worries..but not all.At this point it feels like I am in denial.I had a staring compulsion and made a parent upset and I want to apologise but Idk how And I pray I didn't upset the kid.And I think about a terrible thing when I fantasize..like the thoughts appear and I am so so scared.I hate them.