Such a low time

I know OCD is a hard thing for those around us to cope with, but man… I feel so dismissed by the people in my life. I actively stopped seeking reassurance from them — but they can still tell I’m sad, so when they ask me why, I tell them, and this is what I get: My mom: “Oh my god, you’re on this AGAIN?! You’re driving yourself crazy! If you refuse to go on pills, I don’t know what to say at this point.” My boyfriend: “This is just getting repetitive. You’ve been so sad lately, and if you’re gonna be a bummer to be around, then I don’t know what to say.” Honestly, I don’t feel like my support system is very good, but maybe I really am just driving them crazy and need to own it? Because, believe me, I wish I could just stash it all away and be okay, but the whole issue is that I can’t. Plus, ERP literally tells me to do the opposite, and I’m still learning how to do ERP properly, so it’s gonna take time. I started ERP therapy. I bought self-help books and I’m reading them. I’m doing meditation daily. I’m moving my body and trying to keep doing what makes me happy. But, it seems like if I’m not 100% better immediately, no one has patience for me.

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

First post... I ruminate all the time, getting triggered by the smallest things that remind me of terrible events in my life or fears tied to my compulsions. It could be as small as a lawyer looking at my LinkedIn profile and me convincing myself that means I'm getting sued. Or even an article about taxes that makes me spiral into thinking I'm negligent. I could be fine one minute & wonder if I'm making it all up and then cry for two hours the next, cursing people who are neurotypical and wishing I could be like them. I tried talk therapy for two years and now I'm doing NOCD + ERP because I'm pregnant and had to reduce my dose of medication. Pregnancy almost made my OCD mental compulsions worse, and I got diagnosised with MDD, too. Not to mention the skin picking disorder I've had since childhood. It's becoming really hard to be positive despite a daily gratitude journal, walking 5k steps a day, and doing calming yoga with the occasional meditation when things get really bad. I'm trying, I really am. But having three diagnosed disorders makes me feel like I'm set up to fail despite having a wonderful husband and life, plus my coming first baby. It makes me feel like a horrible person when everything around me is seemingly fine but I can't seem to focus enough on the present to appreciate it. I feel so lost about it all and am plagued by guilt and shame. Does anyone else relate?