Need someone who got through suicidal ocd

Decorating the house made me trigger cause i rememberd last year when i had ocd and suicidal thoughts was i was decorating the house. Because of a setback, i was already worked up by ocd, so when suicidal ocd came i was like this is too much for me now, i cant do this, and then something happened that i cant understand. I got hopeless and my thoughts went to thinking about "i cant deal with this, maybe i should do it" and i remember a year ago i had obsessions about doing it, like i had thoughts about what and how should i do, but it wasnt plans, it was random thoughts coming to my head. And beacuse i was hopeless it felt like starting to consider it cause i cant deal with these thoughts. I know consider is a big word, i dont know how could i describe it, i would like if when im having this someone would be here helping me realize what do i feel, cause how i interpret it is that i feel hopeless and im actually considering doing it. Which ofcourse makes me more anxious, and what i misenterpreted before too, it was that when i push away this hopeless feeling, i get angry and i understood that as im angry that i didnt hurted myself... i didnt had this bad for more than half year and now i got triggered and idk where to put it. Also some days ago youtube popped a video up for me and it was about someoene who wanted to die bc of ocd. I didnt watched it but i just remembered it now and i started to compare myself. Also whenever people talk about suicidal thoughts, they just mention "i had thoughts about suicide" and they see that as they were suicidal or wanted to die, and others react to those people with care and "oh you poor thing" mentality, which is understandable but because suicidal ocd i have those thoughts too, and when it gets so bad that im starting to lose my hope that i will recover, it gets real like im considering it, ofcourse i compare myself to those people cause it sounds the same... i feel hopeless and i have suicidal thought...my brain is like buuumm your suicidal too, and it hits me. So someone who dealt and got through suicidal ocd, did you had this thoughts too when you were hopeless like "maybe i should do it cause i feel hopeless, i will never recover, this is annoying, i want relief"? I know it sounds the same as suicidal thoughts, thats why im worried too

Suicidal OCD

FIMILI

Date posted: 1y

Are you working on your OCD with a therapist? When our thoughts go to a dark place, it can be super scary, so I hope you have a professional that understands and is helping you through this. You are not alone, and you can get through this!

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I had but the therapist i had(who claimed to understand ocd) said a really stupid thing, it said the thoughts are real but ocd stops me to do it... so that just scared me more. I went to alot of therapists and none of them understood ocd, i just had enough of them. It shows how much they know when someone on the internet helps me more in 3 months than 8 months of therapy...

FIMILI

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Was that therapist trained in ERP and OCD? Maybe that therapist meant that when you're having these thoughts, all of your fear you feel is real. But deep down your OCD knows that you value being alive and not killing yourself, so that's why it makes you have these suicidal thoughts. Your OCD wants you to be afraid and wants to be in control. It wants you to keep trying to search for the meaning behind these thoughts. And the searching and ruminating about these thoughts are the compulsions, so then your OCD just keeps getting refueled. It's also possible to experience suicidal thoughts without the OCD component to it. That's the truly scary part. I know sometimes I get to a dark place and just want everything to be over. So then it's like..if I have these dark, suicidal thoughts sometimes, how do I know it won't get so bad that I act on them? And we just want to know for certain what the truth is. But we can't..and no answer will ever be good enough for our OCD. So I have to accept that maybe things could get so bad that I act on these thoughts, but I have to also accept that I don't know for sure. However, if you're actually self-harming and have a plan for suicide, then please seek emergency help. This is why I asked if you have a therapist you're working with. If you have therapy regularly, your therapist would have a better understanding of what you're going through day to day and could help you better if you're dealing with depression.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@FIMILI I dont understand the part where you say its possible to have these thoughts without the ocd component but they you say when we try to be sure that we wont act on it, no certainty will be enough for ocd. So its all part of ocd then, thats ocd too

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 If you dont have ocd then you wont struggle with being afraid of maybe i will do it. I also shared a post now about the low times when i felt tired that my life sucks and then i experienced suicidal thoughts, i felt like what you describe, that i just want to avoid the pain, i dont deal with that now but now i deal with fear that i experienced real suicidal feelings. I talked about this in that post that it sounds the similar to me what i experienced with what real suicidal people talks about when they tell you about their struggle, like things feel hard, you feel like you cant live a life like this, you want to change cause this is not an enjoyable life, you had enough. And thats when suicidal thoughts came in my mind. So i struggle with wondering if it was ocd or i really thought about suicide

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd tips

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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Need someone who got through suicidal ocd

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