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i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.

Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.

TLDR: The title. I often feel rush or excitement and curiosity about my OCD thoughts, and I am not shy of it. Do you have experience like this? I think I often feel a lot of excitement when I start to engage with some obsesive thoughts and when obsesive episode starts for me. Like I often find the idea or image very interesting and I am curious about it. But often there is a neat line between excitement and anxiety. Also often it may at first start with excitement but after a while I may feel anxious or traped of being in the loop and then also being anxious about the idea itself and possibilities or ruining things I care about or loosing them. And those aspects can come in various successions or sometimes multiple at once. I encountered some materials about people enjoying their obsesive thoughts but it was usually something else. They had this obsesive fear of possibly enjoying those obsesive thoughts. But I have it different. I know I do have this excitement, rush and curiosity. I know I may somewhat like them. And I do not shy away from that. Also sometimes enjoy compulsions, even lone compulsions without link to obssesions. Like I very rarely need to organize stuff or order them or place them perfectly, but sometimes I just get into it and it is more like I find it fascinating and funny that I can try for the impossible precision and I can feel urge to do it for nonsensical amount of effort. (But I am usually very messy, disorganized and careless about organizing physical stuff) The ocd is still very debilitating and taking a lot of time. And the OCD is still very anxious and sometimes desprate-like experience. The excitement about the ideas might be a good thing because maybe I might accept them better or perform some kind of exposure through it but it may also reinforce a loop. But it is fact that I sometimes enjoy my OCD thoughts, invite them, await them at smallest glimpse. It is just mostly matter of fact. And I am curious what this might mean for me and my OCD and for how I can work I'm with it and interact with it's what changes and options it gives. I am 30 year old and I struggle with OCD from at least 15 years old. I got myself officially diagnosed quite recently and I am on waiting list for a therapy. I have mostly pure or predominantly obsesive OCD but I still go through many mental compulsions and compulsive behaviors. I experienced many subtypes of OCD although not so much of the more traditional ones. My first subtype of OCD was a kind of meta-ocd. I remember how I like the character of detective Adrienne Monk. I liked the character. I did not have it formulated for myself at that age but he was so sensitive, fragile, perceptive, clever and a sort of inventive. The ocd seemed fascinating. Although his neuroticism regarding his environment would be total pain for me, since I was and I am a very messy and disorganized person. But I still vibed with him and sympathized with him. I felt interest and curiosity in being possibly sort of like him. But I felt fear of it as well. I feared I was like him or that I would have ocd. I feared performing rituals and I would sometimes perform them,.sometimes as the relief of confirmation sometimes as examination, sometimes as a sort of exposure therapy before knowing what exposure therapy was. I just had this conflicting fears, obsessions and compulsions about the prospect of having ocd. That was when I was around 15 years old. But through my whole childhood before that, I was already focused a lot on managing and controlling my own emotions to keep away from disappointments. And I was very socially and romantically anxious and had sort of low confidence or fear of low confidence. So those were childhood experiences that were not yet obsessive-compulsive like but which were on the way there. Also know that it is very probable I have some form of ADHD. My mother and siblings have it diagnosed. And I exhibit almost all classical symptoms despite being conflict-averse and diplomatic and therefore considered well behaved child. But doing some less serious and shalower testing with one psychology consultant, I scored way higher and clearer on ADHD test than on OCD test. I also just love novelty, and experimentation and exploration. And I may sometimes engage with obsessions and compulsions out of procrastination. Also my obsessions and compulsions are often chaotic, I often encounter dilema where I don't know what course of action would be compulsive and what would not. Or I am not sure If I am exposing myself and getting familiar with unwanted thought or if I am actually just fulfilling some other compulsions. Like if I am not turning exposure into another obsession. Like anything can become anything. And honestly? I probably do. And why not. Yes I am sometimes perfectionist in the most nonsensical ways. Thanks for reading through this whole thing and paying attention to what I had to say.