Rough day

*venting* I’m so tired of life. I just woke up, and I feel like going back to bed and sleep until this nightmare passes. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I can face another day of intrusive thoughts, fear, anxiety. I need some moments of relief, but there are none. I wanna have a life again. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have killed my social life, my ambitions and desires, my happiness. I’ve been fighting for the past 6 months for nothing. I don’t see any improvement. I’m on day 3 of Lexapro and of course i can’t tell if it’s gonna work for me or not. I’m on the first stages of ERP therapy and I still haven’t got any assigned homework to work on, which I really need because I need to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself with ocd and Gad. I just hope someone could just take out whatever part of my brain isn’t working properly and replace it with a new piece. I don’t wanna feel like a burden to my family or boyfriend anymore. I can’t believe all the damage that I’m causing. I don’t know what to do with all this self hate. I don’t know where to turn to. I seem to have all the help that one could need - therapy, medication, support system. Yet I feel like I can’t spend another day living like this.

I’m new to being as open with my ocd as I have been in the past, and I think this is the place to feel safe. I’ve been tackling my ocd with ERP (exposure response prevention) and it’s been extremely successful in the past and now. Just right now, and I’m about to start new medicine for my ocd that I’m hopeful about, I just feel tired. I’m making myself get up and do things but it’s almost like my body is on one big come down from maybe all the anxiety added up over the weeks. It’s just making me feel slumped and like I could almost start feeling depressed. I just wanted to know if anyone had any personal successes on how to overcome this feeling. Thank you all and much love to all who deal with this.

I honestly do not know how to get through or do better anymore. I’m really hoping therapy will help, I hope ERP will help, but I’ve been so bad off for a while and it’s only getting worse. I hoped I could be okay during this weekend with my brother’s wedding and all, but having it in Vegas and and all kinds of things around me that were new and/or not my speed just wrecked me. I have snapped and I feel like im just lost. All the time. I ruined Thursday night when my brother and I had a fight. It’s okay now but I still feel the guilt (and ruminate on the whole thing). My friend that came with me is really worried about me because she feels like im getting more and more self destructive and when I told her about how bad the thoughts in my head were she was like “holy shit I love you and I’m here for you and I want so bad for you to get help cuz it’s scaring me how bad off you are.” But I don’t know if anything will help. For so long I was okay and I was going forward and I felt like I had a handle on myself and my mental health and instead I’ve backslid into this disastrous cycle of thoughts and like even through it could be just ocd talking (I mean the amount of doubt if I really have it or not is high) or if it really is all my fault. I don’t know. I don’t even know what shouting into the void will do. But im slowly feeling like I can’t function and im scared of going back to work Tuesday and I’m scared of trying to take care of myself even though im so tired of always feeling like everything is my fault and that I can’t do anything right and that if I do try to express myself I can’t do it correctly anyway so why bother. I’m just so tired. I was doing so well for a bit and now im just tired. Like I said. I don’t know if talking into the void of this app will help. I don’t know if anything will. But honestly it can’t hurt anymore than it does not trying *something* and I am so tired of how much I hate myself and my mind and my lack of function. I guess im just shouting into the void. Thank you for reading if you did and no worries if not.