Vent about nothing and everything

Hi, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling for the past month, it’s been a mix of ocd flare ups and depressive episodes. I recently got into a new relationship, one I was not expecting at all as I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend over the summer and was expecting the cycle of being alone for a few years and then dating again. But anyways, my current boyfriend is amazing and so caring and sweet, I told him before we even started dating about my ocd and how I sometimes need constant reassurance and that it can be a lot to deal with it and that I can become clingy and annoying and he didn’t even bat an eye, he just said he likes me as I am and that he will be able to help and support me. We’re dating long distance rn as I’m finishing up college but we constantly text and video chat/call almost every night. My ocd has been constantly gnawing at that and it’s causing my abandonment issues to flare up horribly, I’ve told him a little bit about my ex boyfriend as he was not a very good person, he was much older than me (12 years) and at the start of our relationship he was amazing and said he could deal with my mental health issues (I know no one is obligated at all) but I would communicate to him that it scares me when he doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, and at first he said he would try to be better about that but then it turned into him saying I’m annoying and clingy and that I bother him and that he just wants alone time but during that alone time I wouldn’t hear from him at all for two weeks. He also stopped caring about my interests and said I was annoying when I would talk about them and would even get mad when I tried to talk about my day. Anyways being in this new relationship has caused me to fear that my current boyfriend is going to leave me, lost interest in me or that he’s annoyed with me and hates me, which unfortunately has caused me to give into my compulsion of reassurance so I’ve been asking him a lot “do you still like me?” “We’re still together right?” “Have I annoyed you?” And I hate myself for doing that. He is so sweet and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to drain him, i genuinely have never felt this way about anyone I’ve dated but it’s like he was meant to be in my life and we clicked instantly like it felt like we’ve known each other forever and I don’t want to lose him. My avoidance is getting bad and I’m trying to stop myself from pushing him away but I just feel so guilty and ughhhh it’s so frustrating. I just don’t know how to handle this, I want to be with him and I want to make him happy but I hate that my brain works this way.

TRIGGER WARNING Made on Sunday: So, my brother just came home today from a 4 month stay because he had gone manic and made some major threats. He had attacked someone too…. So, I was super anxious. He seems to be alright, but I’m still worried that he’ll hurt my parents or pets, and that I’ll snap if he does. Maybe I’m overthinking it?? I just don’t wanna go into a rage episode and hurt him, because he is my baby brother. *sigh* Since I was anxious earlier, I kept passing out repeatedly and started seizing afterwards. I’m just exhausted and sad and feel bad because I get scared and frustrated and tell my fiancé to break up with me. I know he won’t I’m just scared I’ll hurt everyone around me unintentionally. I’m tired of being in constant pain, I’m tired of the constant emotional rollercoasters, I’m tired of not being able to do or help with pretty much anything; I’m just tired. I don’t mean to bring anyone down, I just needed to vent. And I’m sorry I’m not on here all the time, I have a very strict schedule. And that’s another thing!! I feel so helpless because I can’t do anything. Mom gets frustrated because I refuse to do things or have to do them later and I wish she could just understand. I am doing my damndest to even stand up. I have so much vertigo (dizziness) from the pain I’m in and it really takes a toll. I want to help, to do extra like I used to. But I keep falling and the pain becomes unbearable. The pain meds aren’t working and so that’s gone out the window. I guess it just hurts because she gives me that look like I’m supposed to know what’s going on. I know she’s stressed with having to do everything, taking care of my brother, and her insane workload, so I’m giving her some slack, but it’s still hard. I wish she new how bad I work just to live my life.

(I apologize in advance for my bad punctuation and ongoing sentences, but i actually dont really care because it doesnt matter to me) Anywho, Im brand new to this app, been on it for just a few minutes now so im not really sure what im doing but i just needed to get it out that i am so extremely stressed with my life right now but its like my mind tries to convince me that im not stressed because i know everything will turn out fine in the future but then the thoughts of "what if it doesnt?" Start flooding in and all of my thoughts just start going back and forth and back and forth and im just so confused about everything that im doing everything i say or do right or wrong everything i do or say that can or maybe has affected people i just i feel like i hate myself so much after thinking all those things and working myself up over it all and then im just like, its gonna be okay tho in the end. AND THEN IT JUST STARTS ALL OVER AGAINF i cannot do this i cant continue suffering with all my thoughts just completely takinh over my mind and everything that i do. i think im so in control when i know im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that i just feel like i have absolutely no control over, but i DO and easily have control over them, i just let myself believe that i dont, then i make it happen for some reason. I dont even know what else to say now that i just worked myself up into a sobbing spree. I am just so terrified.