PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Update

So its been almost a day and I just feel a little bit better but i still feel like this is not ocd, and i cant move on and forget the thing i was thinking about yesterday. I feel shame to move on and scared cause i feel like if i dont do something about this, this will come back in the future. I will hear people talk about their struggle with suicidal ideation and i will see myself in that. I started to read about Socd, i wanted to see others if they have the same feelings as me cause its annoying that people with socd feel just afraid. What i felt is so similar what people with suicidal ideation go through. Mine its not just what if thoughts. Its hard to see if i want it or not, cause right now i can say no i dont want but when it feels real, i cant decide cause i have that feeling that i dont want to live my life like this, suffering. I get really angry when things still feel bad and dont change, and because of anger i vent it out like i let this feeling of i dont want to live like this be fully there, but because of anger it feels so real, and i cant find anyone who relates to this and it sounds similar to ideation and thats why i dont feel good. I dont want to accept that its real suicidal ideation, that im thinking about suicide. I dont want to accept that. Yet i dont find anyone relating to me and experiencing it this bad. I really try to see the pattern and see what it is but when i feel like its ideation i just lose control and get emtional. I said before, i dont want to die. But in that moment when its really hard, i dont like something or i feel dissapointed and angry i feel like this is not how i want to live. And the thoughts gets real, the anger and sadness gets stronger, i feel sandess and that this is unfair and when it gets too much i vent out like yeah this is what i want. Then i feel bad and guilt, shame and im worrying that im suicidal. This is whats happening now. I think this is the best way i can describe it. If you want to help me with the "please contact a doctor or keep yourself safe, have a safety plan" dont write it cause i view these as compulsions. I talked with many doctors. I understand if its ocd this is another compulsion seeking post, but when you cant relate to anyones ocd cycle its okay to ask if others can relate to you. Cause if noone can then maybe its not ocd. And now i see it like noone actually relates with me.

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Are you doing ERP? The maybe I'm suicidal maybe not and just sit with it. I went through a time of thinking suicidal thoughts. OCD will make you feel depressed and anxious so you want it to stop. It's not that you want to die but you just want it to stop. If you have a therapist you can message them as well as the advocates. They are very patient and helpful.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I can accept that but some will say thats still suicidality cause you lean to death to avoid the pain... when i just know that no i wouldnt do it but it times it feels like it and not because im anxious that maybe i do it, because im angry and sad that i still feel worse day by day and things that i learned doesnt work. I feel shame when someone talks about their suicidal thoughts and i feel like i had the same but i have to say no i had ocd... this is just ocd...

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

It's hard not to ruminate and try to figure this all out. I hope you can keep going forward. One step at a time.

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I have accepted that it's OCD. It latches onto what we value most. So we value living so it causes us to think about suicide. If I felt bad about the thoughts I have I would feel bad all the time. And I have times everyday that I feel anxious and sad but I try to sit with the uncertainty and that I just don't know.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Oh okay...sorry... see i missinterpret things so badly... i have a really bad black and white thinking and when ocd hits hard its the worse. I was feeling really good about a month and its stressful that before christmas i feel like this, ocd just fully got back... i have to ket go of christmas being good cause it will just make me feel bad. Thank you soo much for helping :)

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Did you know they did a study? They had people with OCD and people without OCD to write down thoughts they have. The doctor, based on the thoughts couldn't tell who had OCD and who didn't. It's not the thoughts, it's the reaction. And I'm not saying not reacting isnt super hard, because it is. That's where we have to say I'm uncertain.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Idk, all the study i read about is that people with ocd just afraid of it and have what if thoughts but noone talks about when we get so low that the thoughts feels like we want it cause we dont want to feel like this. For me the triggering one is when i got so angry i vented as i didnt avoided the thoughts, i just went with it and bc of anger it felt real. There is low study about suicidal ocd

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

You are welcome. It's hard to feel good and have some set back but it's also completely normal. You're not alone. I'm here for you as well as others. Take care of yourself. Give yourself grace and try to gently guide your thoughts to a more positive place of you can.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Its kinda good for you that you say you knew it was because of ocd and anxiety, sometimes its hard for me to see as that too. So im in that group who doesnt know what it is and feels like its real

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Oh it feels real. And I don't know that it's OCD but I accept that it is. I can't know if it's me or OCD for certain so I sit with the uncertainty.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I remember the biggest problem what brought me back here was that i started worrying that i dont actually do ocd work right and i just avoid cause choosing its ocd felt like a compulsion... and some said to me it is so i started not choosing to view as it is. And after that everything got bad

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I can relate. This OCD journey takes time. And it's a marathon not a sprint is what my therapist tells me. And your suicidal thoughts could very well be OCD. It's sitting with the not knowing that is hard. But some things you may have to be uncertain about.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Yes thats hard cause if i say maybe its right then i worry about why i dont get help then? Im in danger, i shouldnt do this and that, i should create safety plan blahblahblah. I learned that yeah you cant feel certainty. But you have to choose that this is ocd, cause if you choose that i dont know maybe im suicidal or with any ocd type, then you will be afraid. You have to choose that you will view this as ocd, and then sarcastically you will say maybe is maybe not, but deep down you do this by choosing its ocd. You wont feel it but in times it works. Really not knowing is what we are going through now and it will just open up to more worry. And also i tried to deal with this as real suicidal thoughts but it doesnt helped cause many times i was like okay im not suicidal i know. But when i work with it as ocd i get reminded when i was low and i had similar experience(this is what my mind says) than suicidal people cause i had enough about ocd...

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Did you dealt with your suicidal thoughts as ocd thoughts or you dealt it like real ideations?

Confused on ...

Date posted: 1y

There are not many people in the world that at some time in their lives have not had thoughts of suicide. I think it’s normal for humans. But thankfully the vast majority don’t do it. As I heard someone say yesterday, “ we have to have hope and faith and keep praying and hoping until God makes it right “. Hang in there, it’ll be better.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

The problem is that anyone will say suicidal thoughts has to be viewed seriously, its a big problem, so when you ignore it and dont give attention to it it makes you feel guilt and anxious that you dont take yourself serious and you are in danger but you dont want to help yourself

ElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I guess I just knew my suicidal thoughts were from the anxiety OCD was causing. As my OCD improves so have the suicidal thoughts.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

But doesnt that made you feel bad that you have thought that? Cause with ocd we cant control thoughts and thoughgs arent our desires but in these kind of situations it is. Doest that made you feel worse that you have to accept that you really thought about that? Its hard for me and i dont want to

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I am going thru this to at the moment, the fear of should i be taking this more seriously than if its OCD and by maybe, maybe not am i putting myself at risk, its really scarey but it just having to sit with the uncertainty and not knowing. Its all about needing to know for certain that is the problems

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Help?

So, I don't know if anyone's going to comment on this post, but I've been doing pretty badly lately. I suffered from a second relapse of OCD around nearly a year ago, back when I first experienced OCD, I had all the symptoms, researching, crying none-stop, suicidal, etc, but now that it's been almost four years of this same theme. It doesn't feel nearly as bad anymore? It's almost like it brings me happiness??? I see people saying with confidence that they'd never do their intrusive thoughts but I can't agree with them, I'm not confident I won't do them, a few years ago, I'd say I'd NEVER do them and I would rather kill myself before doing them but now I can't say it. I don't know what's going on anymore and what makes it worse I think is that my feelings are all over the place, a part of me wants to give up while the other part of me is still fighting and I'm crying right now as I write this but I don't even know if I'm scared. Sometimes I just let myself "enjoy" the intrusive thoughts because I'm so tired and everytime I look at a reddit post about someone saying that they felt guilty for enjoying an intrusive thought, I don't feel that same emotion, and I keep researching and researching. It doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I can't even say I'm scares for the right reasons, my brain keeps telling me that I'm only scared because I don't want others to look down on me and the truth is that I actually "enjoy" the thoughts and I simply don't want to be looked down upon on society. I don't know what to do, I want to go in the bathroom and cry until I disappear

"Pure" OCD

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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